Ridicluelessness

2008-10-09T11:11:00.002-05:00

Tears Of A Clown

Cameron it's no secret I LOATHE you, but in the interest of basic human decency, I offer you a suggestion: take that necklace back to whoever sold it to you because it did not bring you good luck.

If it had, the individual who did your 'make-up' wouldn't have applied your make up with a trowel and your hair wouldn't appear as if it's been styled with a Brillo pad.

2008-10-09T10:52:00.005-05:00

Woooo Girl...

No mam. Visible pubes are never acceptable. You're cute and all, but evidence of your journey through puberty DO NOT enhance that Pocahontas shirt in any shape, form or fashion.

2008-10-09T10:46:00.003-05:00

Belly Chain? Really?

With this particular pose, I think it's safe to suggest Brooke Hogan ('ho' being of particular importance) believes the rest of us should pack it up and go home because the epitome of 'coolness' has arrived.

Brooke would be wrong.

Aside from the fact that belly chains went out with Coca-Cola shirts, she successfully managed to skank up a sweater cardigan.

The only thing this ensemble is missing is one-inch acrylic nails.

2008-10-06T08:12:00.003-05:00

This Is For You B13

Jessica's looking...quite healthy these days. I actually find it refreshing that someone in HO-llywood looks like they eat. I still don't like Jessica or the way that shirt/dress/high-class stripper suit hangs.

Is that...Battenberg lace? I think I see what Jessica's going for here: she would DO it on a table cloth, so why not look like one????

You saucy wench.

2008-10-04T08:47:00.005-05:00

OPEN LETTER TO McCAIN CAMPAIGN AND RNC

I am a life long Republican and a committed McCain/Palin supporter. While I am passionate about politics, I don't pretend to know the logistics involved in getting a candidate elected, but I do have an extensive background in advertising & marketing. I've made it my business to find out what people want and what compels them to purchase my clients products. My instinct for being able to 'push the right buttons' has enabled me to enjoy significant success on a national level. (It aint braggin' if it's true, right?)

I understand and appreciate that McCain is a good man and would prefer to win this election based on his policies and his desire to clean up Washington, but it is absolutely critical that his campaign hit Obama EVERY SINGLE DAY on his Chicago connections, his Jeremiah Wright connection and Obama's fascist comments. It has got to be smash-mouth, bloody-nose, iron-skillet, controversial warfare for several reasons:

1. His base wants it. They need it. They are begging for it. Their support is waning and they are disheartened because the MSM has hijacked the conversation. They feel this election is slipping through their fingers and McCain is not fighting back. How can he expect his supporters to fight for him if he wont do it himself? Why should they knock on doors, volunteer at local campaign headquarters, make phone calls, donate to the campaign when they feel like the election is lost anyway? That's what the media and polls tell them and we all know perception is reality. Respectfully, this campaign seems to be devoid of LIFE. If McCain is unwilling to do this, someone needs to do it on his behalf.

2. If McCain's ads court controversy, then the MSM starts talking about McCain. If their talking about McCain, then their not talking about Obama. If McCain relentlessly exploits Obama's Chicago 'thuggery', then Obama will be too busy calling McCain's tactics outrageous and deplorable to wax poetic about 'change and hope'. When McCain picked Palin, his judgement and sanity were questioned and every vile accusation imaginable was lobbed at Palin, but the McCain campaign enjoyed record poll numbers and the base circled wagons.

3. The McCain campaign has a gift no Republican Candidate has ever had: PUMA'S. These women (and some men) are as passionate and committed to McCain and Palin as any Republican. The media calls them bitter, but they are truly concerned about this country and the direction it's heading. They want to be used and are volunteering at GOP campaign headquarters in DROVES. They are committed to making sure what happened to Hillary does not happen to Sarah, but they need a reason to keep fighting. They loath Obama and his politics and they want blood. They DESERVE blood for the way their candidate was cheated out of the nomination. They want Obama exposed for what he really is. They get under the skin of extreme left-wing democrats worse than Republicans ever could and as you know, Republicans love to annoy the left-wingers. The McCain campaign or the RNC need to find away to utilize the PUMA's. The Hillary supporters have the opportunity plead McCain's case to moderate Democrats and the media will hate them for being 'traitors' and that, in turn, will energize the base even more. There can be no greater example of McCain's ability to reach across the aisle than his ability to bring over Hillary's supporters. The 'Deborah' ad was effective for a reason.

4. Find a way to publicly address how the McCain campaign and the RNC plan to counter voter fraud. Horror stories are circulating all over the internet about bogus voter registrations and a large number of McCain supporters are at risk of adopting the dangerous mindset of 'why bother?'. They have got to be assured that they are not working for naught, and that the RNC will do everything in it's power to root out every single instance of voter fraud. Allow the supporters to focus on getting to work for McCain instead of worrying about having the election pulled out from under them.

Hopefully, you've gotten to this point in my letter so I may humbly thank you for taking the time to read these suggestions. Some may have stated the obvious, but I could not rest until I sent this email to as many people in positions of making a difference in this campaign as possible. For me, this election is about good vs. evil and I will do everything in my power to help McCain and Palin win the White House.

Respectfully,

Maddie Kaddison

2007-11-29T09:53:00.000-06:00

Baby In A Belly

The way women's body responds to pregnancy always amazes me. Christina looks great here although I think she's full of shit because no pregnant woman is going to willingly put heels on.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I gained 65 pounds and was pretty much a raging bitch the entire time (just ask the waitresses at the Waffle House. "I'll cover and smother you, whore if you don't get me my hash browns!" I was put on bed rest about six months into my pregnancy so I pretty much sat around my house in my maternity panties and a t-shirt with the thermostat set on 4.

What happened to the good old days when pregnant women lived in sweat suits and rarely brushed their hair? I mean...it's the only time in a woman's life when she can let herself go and not care.

But this...this display by Christina Aguilera puts added pressure on pregnant chicks to actually make an effort to look presentable, which I think is unfortunate.

Resist the temptation ladies and let it all hang out. This is the moment many of you have dreamed about...unlimited ice cream, sporadic showers and ever-present house shoes...just the way the good Lord intended it.

2007-11-28T17:12:00.001-06:00

Calling All Techies

Unbeknownst to me, some individuals viewing my blog using Internet Explorer see a messed up template. My profile and side bar are at the bottom of the page. I've tried to fix it, but I can't. Anyone have any idea or suggestions on what I should do?

2007-11-28T17:08:00.001-06:00

Guess The Celebrity...

I'll give you a hint...at one point her body was a wonderland.

2007-11-27T16:53:00.001-06:00

The Chronicles of Wynonna

Love may be able to build a bridge, but I pray that hatred can build a big ass steam liner to take me as far from this image as possible. I'm not sure if the dress was really supposed to be red or if someone took one look at it and bled out.

See the thing is...why do large ladies wear large clothes? The last thing you need is a dress that billows or something with enough material to clothe an entire third world country. And what pray tell, is that lavender head band doing besides not matching?

Look Nona...can I call you Nona? I know your hubby was a perverted sicko and all that, but when you adorn yourself as thus, it's not hard to imagine why. There is nothing wrong with not being a size three/four, but neither should you strive to wear size huge/huger.

Don't hide your light under a bushel.

2007-11-26T23:49:00.000-06:00

Dancing With The Stars Finale...Thank God It's Over

I'm seriously at a loss over tonights show. I may not be a professional dancer, but I know what I feel. Several times throughout this season, I've felt as if the performers gave me a gift or that I was witnessing living, breathing art, but tonight might as well have been the pilot episode of Dancing with Inanimate Objects. Where was the passion? Where was the drive? Where is my Immodium?

Mel and Max- Loved the Cha Cha. Mel is a beautiful performer and Maksim is hotness personified, but would you like one hit of acid or two when you rewind the tape to watch their freestyle? Everything about it was strange...the singers, Max's white shoes (they were white right? Perhaps it was a visual aura warning me that a migraine was on the way), the expression on their faces. But in the end, they both knew it wasn't up to their standard and I can appreciate that. Overall, they've been consistent performers and everyone is entitled to an 'off' night. And Max is hot.

Marie and Jonathan- Lord have mercy. Whew. I can appreciate that she has a large fan base and hey...that's the beauty of America...you can vote for who you want, but don't insult us or reward those that voted for you by that RIDICULOUS business you tried to pass off as a dance. There is not ONE PERSON on this board who could not have done what she did. I think all the Rag Dolls should unite and demand an apology. She's done very well on several of her dances and I enjoyed watching her, but she is rude, loud, and egotistical. I'm sorry Marie fan's, but placing her WALKING aside, after her behavior tonight with the judges, I wouldn't vote for her if the show was called Dancing With Marie and she was the only contestant. But y'all have at it. And Max is hot.

Helio and Julianne- Technical Schmecnical. Helio may have been clod-hopping all over that dance floor (if one were to believe the judges), but at least he came out awake...I mean fighting. The choreography was difficult, the routines incorprated aspects of what he's learned over the past three months and it engaged me. His dance just may prevent me from waking up in the middle of the night screaming for help because a giant Marie Osmond doll tried to strangle me with suspenders. I wish Julianne would stop with the fantastic body and give us at least a token flaw. And Max is hot.

The Judges- I think Carrie Ann thought she was reprising her role as Fook Mi in Austin Powers and did she seriously call out the Spice Girls? Was she trying to make Ginger Spice go Zig-A-Zig-Ah on her? In all likelihood, at this moment Len is cruising the streets looking for an eight ball because he looked DIS-GUS-TED. Bruno was rather tame tonight, but that's probably because he'd already sat through the rehearsals and had to be revived with smelling salts. But just like the dancing, their comments were inconsistent with the rest of the season.

The good news is... we have tomorrow night.

The bad news is...we have tomorrow night and Marie has lots of relatives.

We should prepare ourselves for the fact that very soon...Donny could be gazing at his reflection in the mirror ball on his sister's shelf.

2007-11-25T12:35:00.001-06:00

What If?

Radar Online performed cyber-surgery on a few celebrities and adjusted their 'flaws'. As you can see they gave Kirsten Dunst big lips. I personally think she looks like that cha cha chick whose like 80 now (what is her name?), but at least her fangs aren't as prominent.

If you'd like to see other celebrities...click here.

2007-11-24T00:18:00.001-06:00

Child of My Loins

Progeny Two is currently obsessed with two things: Flatulence and expelling the contents the afore mentioned usually suggests is on the way. He answers questions with the word 'farts' and suggest everything contains the ingredient 'doo doo'. It's gotten to the point that I've seriously considered seeing if there is a support group somewhere.

"Hello...My name is Maddie and my son is obsessed with poo."

He has even googled 'crap'. I'm scared to death when I think about what he might have seen.

The other night I was trying to read a book and he was sitting beside me. I wasn't paying a whole lot of attention at the time, but at some point, I was jerked from my vampire romance novel (you don't have to say it...I already know) when I realized I'd heard 'fart' about forty-seven times in the span of sixty seconds.

"Son! I do not want to hear that word come out of your mouth one more time! Do you understand? Not one more time!"

He giggled and got off the couch. I'd just gotten to the part where Natalie just arrived to the conclusion that John is really a vampire and she's repulsed, but secretly intrigued when P2 taps me on the arm and hands me a piece of paper.

Scrawled in big block-letters was: F A R T S

"I didn't tsay ith." He said with the biggest shit-eating grin, if you will forgive the analogy in light of the situation.

It was almost as if he knew he had me. I could hear him in my head saying,"Look, I know you are well within your rights to beat me, but you can't, because technically I didn't disobey you. You can't touch me. "

And what does it say about me, that when he walked off I was beaming, thinking to myself, "My Gosh, it's me at six! He is JUST like me!" instead of being concerned? Does he have any idea how cute it is to hear the word 'farts' when uttered with a lisp?

Have I been too transparent?

2007-11-24T00:01:00.001-06:00

Angling To Beat An Ass

Mary Mary (Delgado) feeling quite contrary are we? You may remember her from the Bachelor and like myself, you may have held out hope that Mary and her fishing-fanatic boyfriend former Bachelor Byron Velvick would make it. They still could, but their past will now posses a bloodied nose and a drunk mug shot. Never mind that they were just on TV this week talking about how she now loves to fish because she loves him so much and...excuse me for a sec...I need to hurl in my garbage can. Hey...I've been married for ten years...it's been a while since I've had romance and it doesn't settle well on my stomach these days... (I'm just sayin' honey...)

You know, I love it when stuff like this happens and it's not in Alabama.

2007-11-23T23:46:00.001-06:00

Forty-Eight Hours And Counting...

That's how long I've spent trying to find a ballroom gown that I can wear for my Cha Cha.

I've been working my bum off for nine months taking ballroom or 'dancesport' lessons (apparently the pro's get real offended if you call it ballroom) and my first show is in two weeks. I have got a MULTITUDE of people coming to this thing because it's the first time anyone will have really seen me dance (including my husband) and I know they are expecting some sort of kindergarten recital.

I was originally asked to do the Mambo and I've been training about 20 hours a week, thanks to my type A personality. Then they asked me to do a second dance, the Cha Cha, and like the idiot I am, I agreed. I'm trying real hard not to think about the fact that the choreographer lives in Atlanta and wont be here to teach me the routine until the week of the show.

Please pray that my instructor/partner cleans under his fingernails for the event. I have enough to worry about without thinking about the questionable content underneath this lengthy nails as they grasp my hand.

So anyway, I'VE GOT TO FIND A DRESS THAT DOES NOT COST $2200! I have searched under every conceivable phrase that might encompass "Ballroom + Latin + gown" and there is simply nothing out there. It has to meet two requirements: short and sexy. There are a few out there but one, I wouldn't wear them to a cock fight and two, they are in Hong Kong and I doubt they would get here in time.

SIGH...I'm seriously considering taking up recreational drugs.

2007-11-22T01:16:00.001-06:00

Conversations With Mother

God love my mother. For all of the things she does that annoy me to no end, she really does love me.

This past Sunday I had to make a little trip to the ER because I was having intense pains in my side that lasted for two days. My honey stayed with the boys so I just drove myself. I went about noon thinking they'd do an ultra-sound, tell me everything was okay, give me some pain pills and send me on my way.

I get called back pretty quick considering I've waited five hours before when my son needed stitches in his face. The doctor came in about thirty minutes after that and poked around on my side and declared he suspected a kidney stone and pain medicine was on the way. In the mean time he would order a CT and we would go from there.

The nurse comes in and starts laying out the stuff for an IV. She tries to do it in my left arm and can't get in the vein. So next she tries my forearm and gets nothing their either. She calls in another nurse who puts one in my hand and the vein blows. Moving on to the other arm and we finally have a line. She's got three ginormous syringes and I ask her about each one just out of natural medical curiosity. First is saline...she's flushing the line...second is Toradol which is an anti-inflammatory (crappiest shot ever) and then the third which should be carried on a gold plated tray. Dilaudid. Allow me to put this wonderful gift to mankind into perspective: this was Elvis' drug of choice.

Come to mama.

So basically I'm out of it. I remember talking to someone in my family, but can't remember who and I remember randomly drunk calling all my friends. At some point the CT happened. Couple hours later, the doctor comes whizzing by my door, turns around and comes back to inform me he's got me some more pain meds on the way. I instantly fell in love and if loving him is wrong I don't want to be right.

Second shot occurs. Doctor comes in and informs me he needs to do another CT but he needs to do it with the dye. I have to drink a gallon of hell, wait two hours, then repeat the CT.

Sure. Whatever. Do what you have to do Doc, but in the meantime I'm going to step outside and smoke.

At least I thought I was until Mr. I couldn't hack it in medical school so I'm Head Nurse of the ER informed me that if I went outside, I would not be allowed back in. Some asshole decided that it was too much of a liability to let patients outside if they've had a narcotic.

Flash forward to 7:00 pm. Add seven hours, five IV's, and not one morsel of food or drink since the night before except the syrup I had to drink, no nicotine and it all equals emotional wreck. I called my mother crying.

"I'm starving to death and they won't let me have anything to eat or drink." I wail.

"Well baby, why don't you just explain that you weren't expecting to be there that long and you didn't eat before you went?" my mother asks.

"Because it won't do any good. I have to take this test. And on top of that, they wont let me go outside and smoke!"

"Why not?"

"I don't know, but I'm about to lose it. At least a cigarette would curb my appetite. "

"Do you have a window in your room?" She asks hopefully.

"Mother, I am not hanging out of a window at a hospital to smoke a cigarette. Aside from the fact that I might blow the hospital up, I would look like a bigger redneck than I already do for smoking."

"Do you think the doctor knows the nurse told you no? Maybe you could ask him?" She insisted.

"Mother, I'm going to hang up with you now because you keep giving me suggestions that really shouldn't require an explanation and it's getting on my nerves." I informed her as nicely as I possibly could considering the circumstances.

"Okay baby, but you tell that doctor you want a cigarette when he walks by and I mean it. I can't stand the thought of you sittin' up there wanting one and them not letting you have it."

2007-11-22T00:56:00.000-06:00

Oksana Baiul: A Lesson In Denial

And I'm not taking about her either. I'm talking about me. I refuse to believe that anyone would purposely and in a sober frame of mind choose to adorn themselves in such a manner. She looks like a giant Nexium pill wearing a fur coat. Or a glow in the dark condom (or con-dome if your my mother). For someone who could be accused of wearing a prophylactic, she sure is showing lots of teeth (why I have no idea) and it's because she's either:

a) drunk
b) high
c) excited that her photo is being taken (even though she probably thinks it's because she used to be a famous ice skater and not an atrocity upon fashionable society.)
d) drunk

I wish her people would take this situation in hand and bang her over the head a couple of times like Tonya did to Nancy's knee.

We *whack* do *whack* not *whack* wear *whack* purple *whack* moo-moo's *whack* in *whack* public *whack * unless *whack* your *whack* name * is *whack * Marsha *whack* and *whack* you *whack* are *whack* dragging *whack* your *whack* husband *whack* out *whack* of *whack* a *whack* strip *whack* club.

*Whack*

2007-05-07T09:35:00.000-05:00

Ode To Sequins

Thou doth not know thy power over all other embellishments,
Thou catcheth the light and transport me to decades past.

Thou hath traveled the world and seen many a wedding and a prom,
Thou cometh in little plastic pouches so that I might replace you if you come undone.

Thou colors rival the rainbows that appear after rain has fallen,
Thou come in red like apples and yellow like pollen.

Tho some would say, "NAY!" and see your presence as a curse,
Thy beggeth you to adorn my jacket and my purse.

Thou maketh thy plain tank have pizzaz and spunk,
I know I am not alone for my partner is 'funk'.

Be ye flower or butterfly, oh sequin, thou is always cute,
and ye perfectly compliment my little black boot.

2007-05-07T09:22:00.000-05:00

Poor Wuttle Paris

"I was treated unfairly," Paris Hilton says of her 45 day jail sentence. I have to agree. She's a celebrity. She should have been able to get four more DUI's before she was even slapped on the wrist. What is the world coming too when celebrities are no longer given special treatment? It's a world I don't want to be apart of, I can tell you that. Jail is for regular people who have jobs and problems. Not people like Paris who should be encouraged to disregard the law and safety of citizens. Who cares if she could have killed somebody? She is on the Simple Life for God's sake. That should count for something. Who needs a valid driver's license when you have your own CD? People. Please. Let's get things under control before something crazy happens and celebrities have to start paying for stuff.

2007-05-04T19:43:00.000-05:00

The Hills Are Alive With Music

There is something about watching the sun rise that makes you feel whole and new. One need only look at the early morning rays as they stretch to touch towering trees and gently nudge the flowers awake. It's not hard to think about innocence and joy.

I'm sure that 45 days from now, when Paris Hilton exits the Women's Detention Center in Linwood California, she will be thinking of none of these things, because hopefully she will be somebody's bitch and her fingernails will be broken and chipped from wiping shit off the walls of the jail cell. Her vocabulary will have expanded to include words like "work" and "contribution to society" and "I'll beat yo ass if you look at me again you rich bitch" as well as "solitary confinement".

So bask in the warming rays of the Sun and know that for at least a month and a half, all is right with the world.

2007-05-02T21:37:00.000-05:00

Food For Thought

No, this is not another post about Britney's poor choice of fabric or lack there of, I only wanted to point out the obvious: Britney has probably earned more money at two of her ten minute shows these past two days than Kevin Federline earned his entire 'career'.

Discuss.

And no matter how much you may beg, I WILL NOT weigh in on Britney's decision to pose topless with two fake flowers over her duckies. No! Shhhhh. Your attempts to drag me into your sordid web of ridicule and cluelessness is futile. Stop. Not another word. Nothing you say will make me post the heinous picture that set the female population back thirty years. And I most certainly will NOT look to see if she's wearing those DAMN boots.

It's over. Let it go. What we put into words today cannot be undone tomorrow. Go and rest my child. You will thank me in the morning.

2007-05-02T07:26:00.000-05:00

Change Of Heart

Recently, I've noticed that the pictures of Cameron Diaz floating around having her looking positively...human. If you'll notice, she's doing something I've never really seen her do: smiling at a photographer. I kind of miss the old "I'll beat your ass with my purse and make you like it" Cameron. Ever since she and Justin Timberlake broke up, she's tried to project an air of...youth (not happening...sister is hagged out...I'm just sayin') and innocence. My personal opinion is that she's hoping Justin will see she's A) not bothered by their break-up, or B) not bitter. She also could be acting like a big mean barracuda and lulling the photographers into thinking she's okay with them taking her picture right before she takes those big firemen boots off and bludgeon's them repeatedly with them. I can think of no death more sad then being struck with a camel pair of slouchie's.

2007-05-02T07:21:00.000-05:00

Guess The Banged Up Feet

I'll give you a hint: She has fangs and her initials are KRISTIN DUNST.

What is that? Scabies? Road Rash? Carpet Burn?

2007-04-30T07:53:00.000-05:00

Dear God

To be honest, I'm not sure where to even start. It's so obvious what needs to be discussed so I don't want to insult any one's intelligence.

First, let me point out that Britney Spears looks like she's a beekeeper. That...net...or whatever that crap is bubbling out of her neck in conjunction with that hat makes her look as if she's about to submerse herself into Angry Bee Land. I know she's on her way to dance class, but who dances in Cowboy boots for crying out loud? And I'm not talking about the occasional Electric Slide (shudder) at your local watering hole either.

There is entirely too much black...sheer...some'en going on. Fish net hose, black lace shirt from Express, black sheer shorts. I know she needs clothes that 'breathe' while she dances, but has she ever heard of Under Armour?

I seriously doubt her feet are breathing in those shit kickers either. She is probably all corned and bunioned up. And you just KNOW her feet are grotesque. I bet her polish is chipping off and her heels look like the coral reef.

Lastly, nothing screams devoted mother of two like a red triangle top modestly displayed in public.

2007-04-30T07:38:00.000-05:00

Skint Up

I always knew there was a little bit of white trashy-ness in Jessica Sierra, formerly of American Idol fame. She just had that 'look' you know. I see enough white trash around my home state of Alabama to know it when I see it.

Just goes to show that no matter what fancy clothes you put on or how cute your hair is styled...white trash urgings will not be denied.

Over the weekend, Sierra was arrested in Tampa, FL on drug and assault related charges. Had she just been arrested with a little blow in her possession, I would not be so quick to claim WT status, but home girl cracked a man's head open with a glass bottle. Hum hum. My first reaction when this story broke was only a mere lift of my carefully-waxed eyebrows. Jessica has gone from being on American Idol to looking like just another Southern girl getting off the Greyhound bus because she ran away from her redneck boyfriend.

2007-04-27T18:40:00.000-05:00

Earth To Fergie

I'm all about working on my fitness, but what is Fergie doing? She looks like...dare I say it aloud...a suicide bomber on her way to blow up Gold's Gym. How many...contraptions...does one need when running? What could she possibly have in that fanny pack? Judging the size of those headphones, it's probably a boom box.

2007-04-27T08:09:00.000-05:00

Broadened Horizons

So here I am at 32 and I'm...bored. Bored with everything. Work doesn't challenge me anymore...I could do what I do in my sleep, and I have so much free time on my hands, something I haven't had since I started working at 15 bagging grocery's at Kroger (worst.job.ever).

I decided to take ballroom dance lessons, and so far, I'm loving it, except for one tiny problem: My instructor has fierce body odor. My first lesson was later in the day, so I gave him a break, but my subsequent lessons have been earlier (in fact...I'm his first lesson of the day) and homeboy's pits are kicking it.

Yesterday when I got home, his B.O followed me around all freaking day. I washed my hands raw, I took a shower, I did everything I could think of and I could still smell his nasty ass. HOW CAN ANYONE HAVE RANK PITS THE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING???? I shudder to think of why he, in Southern terms, rurnt.

I had an epiphany when we were getting ready to practice the Tango and he held his hand out and there was dirt in his fingernails: he doesn't bathe. I couldn't even concentrate on 'quick, quick, slow, slow'. He even commented that I seemed pre-occupied and it was on the tip of my tongue to say, "You think? I'm about to faint from taking four tiny breaths per minute."

So what am I to do? Call his boss? I would DIE if he knew it was me. I thought about writing an anonymous letter telling her, but what if he figures it out? I have to do something though...I spend too much money for these lessons to be inhaling noxious fumes the entire time.

If I don't figure out something soon, I'm wearing a Hazmat suit to my next lesson.

2007-04-27T07:47:00.000-05:00

Hooked On Phonics

Britney Spears is so upset over her failed relationships, that's she writing a book about it and naming the people who 'done' her wrong. I have, in my possession, a sneak peak of the first chapter:

"Hey Ya'll! I bet ya'll never thought this day would come: the day when my name and 'book' were mentioned in the same sentence! It's a lot harder to write than I thought. I wasn't sure how I should hold the pencil but I made some notes on a paper towel and it's kinda hard to make out some of my scribbling now. You may ask yourself why I'm writing a book. It's for my kid's. I want to leave them this legacy. So if anyone sees them or knows where they are...tell 'em I said that, okay?"

2007-04-27T07:28:00.000-05:00

People's Most Beautiful

People Magazine has named Drew Barrymore the most beautiful person in the world. When asked for her reaction, Barrymore responded, "My peacock feathers shine in the golden-hour light and extend to the heavens". Too bad her boobs didn't follow suit. She also suggests that happiness is the key to beauty. "Happy people are like a mirror and they reflect that happiness."

I'm a pretty happy person, so I took Drew's advice and looked in the mirror. I was very disappointed. All I saw was a sheet imprint on my left cheek from sleeping way too hard, mascara smudged under my eyes (I obviously didn't get it all) and an angry zit on my chin.

People's special edition hits stands today.

2007-04-26T18:55:00.000-05:00

It's Already Been Brought'ed!

Meow! Fox News is reporting that Reese Witherspoon told Jennifer Aniston to take herself and her chin away from Jake Gyllenhaal and up Brokeback Mountain. Evidently, she's a little upset over the kiss and hug Chinifer and Jake shared at the 18th Annual Gladd Media Awards and feels 'humiliated' by the passionate embrace between the Good Girl co-stars.

Yawn. I honestly don't know what all the fuss is about Jake. The man rode a bicycle with spandex on for God's sake.

2007-04-26T08:16:00.000-05:00

American Idol Gives Back

Boy did they. So, there I was, crying over all the suffering in the world, and Ryan Seacrest comes on and begins to introduce Celine Dion (don't hate...I love her) and he said she was traveling back to 1968, the year of her birth, to perform a duet with the world's greatest idol. My mind was racing and I kept saying 'surely not!' over and over again (well, 'over and over again' as many times as you can in three seconds), when my body became one entire chill bump. Celine Dion did a duet with Elvis Presley and it was the most magnificent thing I've ever seen in my life. I made my children get out of bed to come 'witness history'.

I'll have the video posted soon. In the mean time, go here.

*Forgive the big cheesy picture...that's from a year or so ago when I was still in radio and we were giving away a trip to Graceland for Elvis Week. Yes, I was there and yes, I slobbered all over his GOSPEL CD and had impure thoughts. What can I say...I'm human.

2007-04-23T11:28:00.000-05:00

Hot Mess

Why do celebrities think they can just roll out of bed, root around on the floor with their arms outstreched and their eyes closed, and walk out of their house wearing something like this?

Every season is being represented here: Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall and the transitional periods in between each one. The only thing worse than high-waisted pants is high-waisted shorts. With Boots. And A Shawl. And a brown and white striped shirt. With another shirt underneath it.

2007-04-23T08:12:00.000-05:00

Identifying the Badasseyerectus

Avril Lavigne is such a bad ass. I bet all the girls in school were scared of her. I would have been if I saw her walking toward me 'all bowed' up like that. If you have previously wondered if Avril was a true rebel or just pretending to be one...check out the black shoes and the Bermuda Shorts. In an effort to aide my dear readers in discerning between actual bad-asses and posers, I've elected to break down Lavigne's entire...ahem...ensemble. Let's get started:

1. Eyeliner-One key to identifying the species badasseyerectus is by gazing into the kohl soaked eyes. It's very tricky, but if the eyes can be described as 'pee holes in the snow', chances are...you're looking at the real deal.

2. Sweater-I assume this is some form of knit..it's hard to tell for sure but it appears to be of the woven type. Only a genuine bad ass would wear a sweater snug enough for her to show her cobra-esqe back. It's important to look at the sweater in conjunction with the eyes...the eyes seem to say, "Look...I just got my swole on and this sweater proves it". We're getting closer.

3. Black And White Sash- This particular sash has two functions. The first is, a bad ass would wear a sash that clashed with everything else. That's key. It must clash. Second, at any given moment, the bad ass can rip the sash off and wave it around forcing you into a photosensitive seizure. Badasses are tricky and resourceful. I urge you not to get to close to the sash.

4. Bermuda Shorts- This is probably the most cunning trick of a badass. The bad ass lulls you through her benign hem line. How can she possibly be a bad ass? Her shorts go to her knees? That is your first mistake. Anything that is longer that two-inches above the knee might as well be a poison soaked dagger. Quietly back up and proceed the other way.

And finally...

5. Black Tennis Shoes- If your first thought is: "I would cut my feet off before I ever wore those shoes" you, my friend, are in the presence of a bona fied bad ass. Run. Don't pass go and don't collect $200. An Ass whuppen is imminent.

2007-04-23T07:30:00.000-05:00

Saving The World...One Leaf At A Time

As I reflect on the days of my childhood, I can't help but smile. I grew up in the country where you didn't have to worry about getting kidnapped or run over. You could ride your bike for miles and stay gone all day and your parent's didn't care. The breeze teased the trees and the smell of wildflowers and honeysuckle were your constant companions.

But, because you were gone all day, your constitution occassionally revolted and you would find yourself with two options: A) Make a mad dash for home and hope you can make it (my friend S. R never could make it...many a pair of her pants have been ruined), or B) Find a nice quiet spot in the woods and use foliage for toilet paper. I can remember balancing on my legs, frozen with shame and degridation while my own personal sounds of 'nature' mingled with the chattering of some offended squirrel. I would look around to make sure some rogue bear that had just escaped from a traveling zoo didn't crash through the clearing and interrupt me before I could 'bury' the evidence.

If Sheryl Crow has her way, we will all be taking to the outdoors in search of leaves to supplement our measly one-square toilet paper rule. That's right folks. Sheryl Crow wants every one to be limited to one square except for those 'pesky situations that require two or three'. Forgive me...but has there ever been a situation that only required two or three? Has she never eaten at Taco Bell? I'm all about saving Mother Earth, but not at the cost of mistaking poison ivy for an innocuous three-tiered leaf because my measly one-square is not enough insurance against the bean burrito I had the night before. (Yes, I've done that too.)

Before we get crazy and the cost of two-ply goes up to $200 on the black market, why don't we try things like...not having plastic cases for Cd's or not riding around in tour buses.?

I don't care if it is 'bio-diesel' Sheryl...it still emits more fumes than a Corolla.

People, for the sake of our children, our dignity and most of all...our trees, it's imperative that we resist Operation Stingy One Square. How much good will limiting toilet paper really do if the ground is stripped bare and tree's have stopped producing leaves out of protest from the wild-eyed maniacs that feverishly rips her leaves off while clutching one square of t.p?

Madness begets madness.

2007-04-19T11:12:00.000-05:00

Forgive Me Lord...I Knew Not What I Did

As I was perusing pictures for my romance novels, I came across this little gem. Me. In White Shoes. I wish I could claim this picture was taken pre-1990, but as you can clearly see, it was taken ten years ago. I will claim extreme mental duress at the time because it was the day before I was getting married and I was obviously out of sorts.

In an earlier post, it was my assertion that no matter how much you paid for a pair of white shoes, they will always look cheap. I stand by that statement.

Remember how Celebrities tried to bring the white shoe back this spring? How long did that last? Five minutes. I was so proud that many of us refused to submit to their evil machinations. Sadly, even me at one point in time was unable to ignore the lure of white pleather.

This picture will be forever branded in my cornea, because I will no longer be able to go to it in a photo album. I'm having a ceremony this afternoon and burning this picture to rid my house of the evil spirit of Pay-Less. Be gone!

Thank God there are no visible scuff marks. I would have taken to my bed for the rest of the day with my trusty bottle of Xanax with in fingertip reach.

2007-04-19T10:34:00.000-05:00

Your Eyes Are Like Stars Twinkling Through The Cloud Filled Night And Can I Touch Your Breast?

If you have ever wondered what you would look like on the cover of a romance novel, now is your chance. (That's not me on the cover btw. I'm still looking for a picture.)

Click Here.

I have a list of people who will be getting their own covers sent to them whether they like it or not.

Update: Couldn't find any scandalous pictures of me and hubby (well...I could...but...). There was one of him sitting in his underwear playing spades on the computer that I was tempted to use, but he begged me not to and I am nothing if not benevolent.

I could do this all day.

2007-04-19T09:07:00.000-05:00

Flash Dance

Forgive me for stealing this picture off Perez's website, but I was unable to find one that didn't have his scribbling all over it. This post is not about Britney's bald head or the fact that she appears to look sober, it's about Britney's final decent into the world of insanity.

WHO IN GOD'S NAME WEARS LEG WARMERS OVER COWBOY BOOTS? How can you dance in those unless it's to do the Electric Slide? (Man, I wish that dance would die. Go to any club whose patron's are over 30 and they freak out and rush the dance floor every time someone plays it...it's sooo embarrassing. The only thing that could make it worse is if they were wearing soft drink inspired clothing, but I digress).

Yes, Britney you look healthy and not greasy. Yes, you look like you've lost a few pounds. Yes, you look like you are no longer follicly challenged, but you are wearing KNITTED LEG WARMERS OVER COWBOY BOOTS...WITH PANTY HOSE. Isn't that a little redundant?

If I were Britney's...anything, I would take those boots, place them in the middle of an open space and waste two tanks of gas doing dough-nuts on them. It's the least I could do.

2007-04-18T14:43:00.000-05:00

Busted

Evidently Larry Birkhead plays for both teams. Can't say I'm surprised. I can't stand people who come out with private information after someone gains notoriety. Obviously it doesn't bother me too much because here's the link to the store.

What DOES surprise me is that Larry is luuvvvvin some Howard K. Stern now. They should start their own sitcom and call it "My Two Dads". Wait...that's already been done.

2007-04-18T14:34:00.000-05:00

Waiting On The World To Change

I'm content to wait on the world to change as long as Jessica Simpson would change her sailoresqe "vulva" loving pants. That's just nasty. By all means Jessica...hike 'em up some more. It's not like the button at the waist band isn't chafing your chin.

Also...and I'm trying to think of a delicate way to phrase this...but...is that...sweat?

2007-04-14T09:17:00.000-05:00

It's Ova!

Prince William and Kate Middleton have split, sources close to the couple are reporting. The parting was amicable after the couple had reached an impasse. The parting was said to have occurred because of the immense pressure put on the couple and Prince William's obligation to the Army for the next three years.

All I want to know is, what's going to happen to all of those plates that were printed up announcing their engagement?

For the full story, click here.

2007-04-12T16:44:00.000-05:00

Let's Get It On

About six months ago, I adopted a cat from my local animal shelter that happens to be a direct descendant of Ernest Hemingway's famous Maine-Coon cat. I had no clue...I took the cat to the vet for her shots and the vet told me he knows this because the cat has six toes on each of it's paws. He called the cat a 'Hemmy cat'. The paws look like little mittens.

And it would appear that I will soon have lots of little Hemmy's. To be honest, I didn't think there were any cats in this neighborhood. I have never seen any, but this afternoon when I came home from work, there were four sitting in my lawn eyeing each other as they waited for my slut of a cat to use the doggy door to to get outside. I tried to shoo them off, but one particularly brave cat looked at me like "Oh heeellll no. I ain't going no where!" and proceeded to walk to my front door and sprawl out on my door mat. Cheeky little devil.

I've heard the mating ritual's of felines are quite...violent. I guess that would explain the bald spot on the top of my cat's head.

2007-04-12T16:33:00.000-05:00

Fantabulous Website

Beware...this website is seriously addictive. Find A Celebrity Death takes you through every step that led up to any celebrity death you care to research. He takes you to the road they were killed on, the sidewalk they were shot on, the bench they sat on before they were murdered...really neat stuff. There are a few gory pictures (Chris Farley, Left Eye Lopez, Jayne Mansfield, John Lennon etc.) if you are so inclined. Chris Farley's death pics are especially grotesque so I stopped looking at the actual death pictures. But don't worry...the site is not gross at all. The webmaster gives you plenty of warning before you click on any pics.

I learned that I ate at the same Cheesecake Factory in Chicago that Chris ate his last meal in. That was pretty neat.

2007-04-12T16:27:00.000-05:00

The First Cut Is The Deepest

You ain't never lied. Girl...hold up...wait a minute...let me put my scissors in it. That nasty ensemble is beyond every negative connotation I can come up with. The health department needs to SHUT YOU DOWN. Do you want to know why that little flap of material is pointing toward the ground? Cause that's where that entire outfit needs to be buried. Right up under that AstroTurf.

2007-04-12T16:19:00.000-05:00

Come To Mama

Brad Pitt is reportedly a little upset with Angelina 'Ho'lie because she doesn't show Shiloh as much attention as she shows her other adopted children. Honey...I could have told you that. Any woman who calls a child a blob is not emotionally attached. The recent pictures floating around of him playing with little Shiloh recently are said to have been taken around the time that Brad WALKED out on Angie because of the rift.

On a side note...I saw Babel last night and have been depressed for most of the day. I thought it was the actual movie until I realized it was the horrendous bags they put under his eyes. Through out the movie, I kept saying to myself, "That is really what he's going to look like in a few years."

So sad.

2007-04-12T16:15:00.000-05:00

Bringing Britney Back

I am so freaking excited. Justin Timberlake admitted that he called Britney Spears to wish her well while she recovers from her numerous addictions (drugs, drink, food, sperm, hair clippers etc.). He said he called her because he was concerned and that she's a really good woman. Hm hum. This from the man who wrote TWO songs about her on TWO different albums.

It's all going according to my plan...dump Kevin, get rid of Cameron, announce to the press that you have in fact been in contact, stage a comeback. I just got up from my desk and did a cartwheel.

Mark my words...they WILL get back together. I just peed my pants at the mere thought of it.

2007-04-10T08:56:00.000-05:00

Do You Hear What I Hear?

If you were listening very closely on Monday, you could hear hundreds of people whisper "Oh, shit!" when Lin Wood announced he would be representing Howard K. Stern against the media who has systematically destroyed this man. I for one, began rubbing my hands together and licking my chops at the prospect. Greta Van Sustren and Nancy Grace would be on my long list of bitches...I mean reporters who'd be centered in my cross hairs.

When it was only a rumor, Greta tried hard to warn Howard from filing suit against her and other's like her by not so subtlety reminding Stern that he would open himself up to depositions and questioning by those he's accused. (Lin Wood addressed this in his official press report and simply said, "Howard ain't scerrt.") I still don't think she gets it. Why would that bother him if he has nothing to worry about? She's already convicted him in her mind, so her narrow view does not allow for the possibility that he's not guilty.

See, the thing is L. Wood does not play. He quit school because they had recess. If you will recall, he represented Richard Jewell, the tubby guy who was falsely convicted by the media of the Atlanta Bombings, of which Eric Rudolph was later proven to be the culprit. Fact of the matter is...L. Wood has never lost a case.

And he's really hot.

But the mainstream media is not the only one who could be targeted. Anyone whose made claims against HKS, be it bloggers, po dunk radio reporters, po dunk television reporters...anyone who has published any kind of report are at risk.

If you will recall, I published a post in defense of HKS back in March. I did use the word enabler and I'll admit...I felt a twinge of concern, but then I realized it was gas. (My husband's gas...'cause I don't 'do' that sort of thing).

So, have fun scrambling Nancy, Greta, Court TV and everyone else. Your day of reckoning is at hand.

2007-04-10T08:29:00.000-05:00

Love The One You're With

Angelina Jolie is hopping mad at Jennifer Anniston for having the AUDACITY to send her newly adopted son, Pax, a bus load of books and games and a nice congratulation's card. Jolie reportedly threw the card into the trash seconds after glancing over it. Papa Pitt is said to be less than pleased by his girlfriend's reaction considering Billy Bob Thornton recently revealed that he and Jolie still talk occasionally.

In an unrelated story, Oprah is also miffed at Jolie for not promoting her prison...I mean school in Africa. Sources say that Jolie has never forgiven Oprah for taking Anniston's side after her divorce from Pitt.

Personally, I've been waiting for the day that both Jolie and Pitt would get theirs. I think it's pretty shitty what they both did. Now, don't get me wrong...I think Anniston played the victim waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy to long, but it's easy to be a back seat driver.

I think it's safe to say the bloom is falling off of the little Pitt-Jolie rose. Instead of the sweet, lilting scent of a summer bloom, the relationship is starting to smell like a pail of dirty diapers contributed to by four children under the age of five.

2007-04-09T20:49:00.000-05:00

Hello: My Name Is Britney And I'm Addicted To My Brown Boots

Okay, this story is really not about Britney's love of bovine skin, and nor do I care that this picture is a week old. I drug my sorry sniffling-ass out of bed to post something before my four readers think I've reverted to old habits.

The purpose of this post is to teach and instruct. There are two main points to this:

1. Wear a bra when you wear white.
2. Wear a bib when you wear white.

Okay, three:

3. At least act sheepish when you spill something on your shirt.

Hey...we've all done it. God knows I'm a crumb magnet but for the love of all that is holy...dab at it a little at least.

Now, I'm off to watch Dancing With The Stars while I add to my growing mountain of tissues on my bedside table.

2007-04-05T07:42:00.000-05:00

J. Lo Hits New Low

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Remember the days of Bennifer? Remember the big booty days? Well, their gone. All gone. I hope Jennifer Lopez made a scrap book of those days because they are ova.

Her new album "Como Ama Una Mujer" sold only 49, 452 (why is anyone surprised?) and finished at number 10. Not bad if you ask me but when you consider that she finished behind a repackaged Elton John's Greatest Hits, it puts things in perspective for you.

Remember the buzz about Scientology? Some reports suggest Lopez buddied up with Tom Cruise to fuel speculation even though she had no interest in joining. Looks like it didn't help.

Ever since she married Lestat...I mean Marc Anthony...her career has been in the casket...I mean toilet.

2007-04-04T20:29:00.000-05:00

Burn Baby Burn

Stephen Cole is a Firefighter. He's faced death head on as a blazing inferno charred structures and lives.

He has smelled the death of bodies, of hopes and dreams as they crumbled to ash and floated in the air before settling on the ground.

He's felt the hair on his arms singe as he clung tightly to the long hose bursting with water in desperate and sometimes futile attempts to salvage people's homes.

His muscles have ached from holding scared children too tightly as he rushed head first through the eager, greedy flames hungry for more tragedy.

He's fallen into bed exhausted, yearning for sleep only to hear shattering, bone-numbing cries shred the curtain of slumber.

Stephen Cole knows what a fire is capable of and he respects it.

He does not, however, respect the fact that the Target bikini he's wearing is all wrong for him nor does he appreciate the fact that his wig is crooked. He did attempt to bring the entire ensemble together with pink flip flops and pink lip gloss, but he went a step to far with the gold locket. The most pressing question I have is did he use a razor or did he use Nair? That is the cleanest bikini line I've seen in quite some time.

Stephen is from Rhode Island and was arrested yesterday at 5:00 while driving under the influence, public intoxication and disorderly conduct. He stated to police that he was on his way to a gay bar to compete as a woman for a $10,000 grand prize.

I for one am insulted. How dare he think any woman in her right mind would wear her hair thus? And no woman, sirrah, would ever allow her falsies to play peek-a-boo with her top.

2007-04-04T08:07:00.000-05:00

Hagatha

Just to prove that age finds everyone, check out Pamela Anderson's stomach. Now I know I am certainly not without flaws, but it does one good to see that even celebrities have 'issues'. Her legs still look great (damn her!) but me thinks the days of white bikini's are slowly drawing to an end. The dog knows it too. He found that cup on the beach and he was seen begging for coins to give to his master so she could buy a one piece.

2007-04-04T07:50:00.000-05:00

Seer Sucker

Liz...it's time to cut the cord and put the child in some big boy clothes. I know in England it's the 'thing' to dress your kids up in little linen blazers and patent leather shoes, but at some point they need to be introduced to denim. A little trim would be nice too. He looks like a miniature Shaggy from Scooby Doo.

You see, little boys need to get dirty. They need to wear the knees out in their jeans, the need dirty fingernails. I'm concerned that if you don't take the situation firmly in hand now, your son will grow up TiVo'ing every episode of Martha Stewart. The time is now.

Last...I think someone needs to tee tee.

2007-04-01T11:43:00.000-05:00

The Tudors

Showtime Sundays 10:00/9:00

Beginning April 1st, Showtime will air episode one of the much anticipated series, The Tudors. I've seen the first two episodes and I must say, this show promises to live up to it's hype. Rich in historic detail, The Tudors delivers sex, scandal, political intrigue and all the sordid details Henry VIII's court was known for.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers is a powerful king (don't forget he played another king..the king of rock and roll), oozing with sex appeal. He commands both the screen and our attention as he settles comfortably in Henry's slippers. He even makes those ridiculous costumes look appealing. Even knowing what we know of Henry's penchant for swapping wives like men swapped cod pieces, Meyers manages to make him sympathetic to say the least.

You are drawn in from the first scene and and hanging on with whitened knuckles, begging for more by the end of it.

Seldom do movies as rich in cinematography, costume, score and dialogue originate from the small screen.

Off with your head if you miss this sure to be award-winning masterpiece.

2007-03-30T11:33:00.000-05:00

Jenna Gets Her Petunia Fixed

Production on the movie "How To Make Love Like A Pornstar" has been derailed by a little surgical procedure gone wrong. Jenna Jameson had some work done on her hoo hoo and is said to be less than pleased with the results. Someone from her camp said, she 'was very unhappy and holed up in her house.' Their choice of words, not mine.

If you, too, need some work done on your See You Next Tuesday, click here.

2007-03-30T08:30:00.000-05:00

I Feel Like A Woman

Announcer: Ladies and Gentleman...the moment you've all been waiting for...SHANIA TWAIN!

Crowd roars.

J.Lo: Marc, honey, who did they just introduce?

Marc: Shania Twat or something. Have you seen my plasma?

J.Lo: Who is Shania?

Marc: You know...that woman who wears horrid clothes and sings country songs. I know I left it around here somewhere. It's in a white plastic bag and it's real red. Have you seen it? I've got my IV in and I'm ready to go.

J.Lo: No, I haven't seen it. Why is she here? This is my concert. Why is he introducing her?

Marc: I have no idea, but I really need to find that blood. The sun is coming up in five hours and I've got to get two more bags in before I lay down in my casket.

J.Lo: Could you think about someone besides your self for a moment?! Xenu! You make me loco sometimes. Who the hell is Shania and why is she at my concert?

Chick in a headset : Mrs. Lo...I think he's talking about you. He must have gotten you confused when he saw your outfit.

Marc: See, it's no big deal. Go out there and break a leg...but put some concealer on those bite marks on your neck before you go out there.

2007-03-30T08:19:00.000-05:00

'Sligh' of Hand

Chris Sligh wanted to be booted off American Idol. At least that's what he expects us to believe. He stated in a telephone interview that he 'never wanted to win it, and only wanted to make the top ten so he could get on the tour and make the big bucks. He said that is the only reason he didn't quit two weeks ago when the judges lambasted his arrangement of Diana Ross' 'Endless Love'.

Of course you did Chris. Of course you did. It's all about the music man...it's the music. Forget the screaming fans and fame...if they can't appreciate your rendition of Endless Love then you. are. outta. there. Can't say I blame you.

Like most of America, I personally hoped that Sanjaya (in my mind I call him 'Vanjaya as in 'vagina') would get the boot, especially since the Hula Master has been telling people HE IS GOING TO WIN, but Sligh made the cut.

2007-03-30T08:09:00.000-05:00

Free Bird

Forgive my sacrilege for using a Lyynard Skyynard song as my title for a Britney Spears post, but once the pain in your side goes away, it's quite appropriate.

Britney and K-Fed have settled for $1 million dollars, with both sharing custody of the children. The couple reached an agreement after a five our meeting with their lawyers in L.A. Don't think K-Fed didn't try to get more (as in $19 million more)...he did. But Brit's pre-nup was air tight and K-Fed knew it was time to cut rope.

If you'll notice, Brit not only appears to have left her drug addiction at Promises Rehab, but she also left her double chin. It's reported she dropped ten pounds during her stay, despite the cases of Coke she was drinking each day.

One thing I've wondered though, is this: They have rehab for alcohol, drugs, bad behavior...but why has no one created a fashion rehab? Seriously Brit, why are you wearing a throw pillow on your head? And could you please share with the rest of us where you got the Bedazzler for your hat?

Oh, before I forget...your great-grandmother called, she wants her shawl back.

2007-03-28T00:07:00.000-05:00

Bludgeon Me

Would someone please take a 2 x 4 and repeatedly beat me in the head until I pass out? Make sure I don't return to consciousness until the following things happen:

1. Lindsey Lohan's petunia goes back into hiding.

Has she not got the message yet? We. Do. Not. Want. To. See. Your. Snaggle. Ever. Again. It. Looks. Gross. And. Worn. Slap. Out.

2. Panty hose are once again collecting dust in the plastic eggs at the supermarket.

2007-03-27T21:51:00.000-05:00

Conversations With Mother

My mother is a big woman. In Starbucks terminology, she would be considered 'grande'. So, after years of ignoring my pleas, she finally went on a diet one week ago. She is following a protein modified fasting diet that usually results in rapid weight loss. She's stuck to it and I'm very proud of her, but...

She has become Satan incarnate.

Today I get a phone call from my edgy mother. The conversation is as follows:

Moi: "Hello?"

Mom:"First of all, before I tell you this, let me just say, I know I was wrong."

Moi: "What's going on?"

Mom: "Well, I think this diet has got me all messed up, because I am ill as a hornet. Today, as I was leaving the dollar store, I saw this truck coming down the street really fast, but I backed out of my parking space anyway, and I know I shouldn't have done it, but I did. Well, anyway, he gets right up on my bumper and stays that way until we get to the red light, where he is still just sitting right on top of me. So, I get out of the car-"

Moi: "Mother! Don't ever do that! People get shot for less than what you did. That was crazy!"

Mom: "I know it, but now listen...so I walk up to his truck and I say to him, 'Back off!' and I pointed down at the ground with my finger to show him I meant business, and do you know what he told me?"

Moi: "No telling..."

Mom: "He told me to get in my fucking car. "

Moi: smothered laughter

Mom: "I told him that he was NOT going to talk to me that way, because I was a Christian and I didn't talk that way and I didn't deserve to be spoken to that way either. So then he says, 'I'm sorry mam...get the hell back into your car' and I just went off."

Moi: "What did you say?"

Mom: "I told him he needed Jesus!"

Moi: "Mother...you're acting like a maniac and you tell him he needs Jesus?"

Mom: "I sure did! I told him he also needed salvation!"

Moi: "Do you know what you need mother? A cookie. "

2007-03-27T05:35:00.000-05:00

More Than A Handful Is A Waste
The Sun

Have you ever been felt up by the future King of England?

I didn't think so.

2007-03-27T05:23:00.000-05:00

Back To Basics

Courtesy of Us Weekly

Okay...let's see...we've done the 'I'm innocent but I really want to rub your genie and make it come out of it's bottle' routine, then we did, 'Watch me while I writhe around on this dirrrty floor and make you think dirrrty thoughts about my leather chaps', then we decided to do the 'my look may be pre-world war, but my red lips are fierce' and I thought we had agreed to settle on that one. Then, you pull this...this...'Nothing says sexy like my Top Gun jacket, sheer panty hose and visible bra' two months ahead of schedule. I thought we decided, together, that 'Your blow up doll ain't got nothing on me' was next?

2007-03-27T05:19:00.000-05:00

All Shook Up

Do you want to know the real reason why Elvis died? Because, as he was 'making a deposit' on the toilet, he saw a vision...of Linda Thompson...in a white, sheer, peek-a-boo dress...with overly Botoxed features...and it scared him. Real bad.

2007-03-26T22:43:00.000-05:00

Am I The Only One Who Doesn't Hate This Guy?

Howard K. Stern was an enabler. He had a penchant for using the video camera at oddly inappropriate times. But was he a murderer? If you listen to Greta Van Sustren or Nancy Grace repeatedly re-word the same question to Dr. Perper over and over again in an effort to find one tiny syllable that might indicate foul play, then yes he was.

First, let me say, Howard K. Stern has many faults. He should have grown a backbone and stood up to Anna Nicole Smith, as opposed to meekly standing by while she shoved pills down her throat. But, I think I understand his position.

I have a friend who is a drug addict. She was in a car accident and got hooked to prescription drugs. Four DUI's later, she still keeps the road hot, despite the fact that she has evaded state prosecution on a technicality. By law, she is a felon and should do jail time.

I had neck surgery and take muscle relaxers and Lortab regularly to manage the pain. I've caught her stealing my badly needed medication.

I caught one of her drugged out friends (that she brought over) with her hand down my purse.

The local manager at Krystal's (oh, the indignity) found her passed out in the drive through and had to retrieve her cell phone and redial the last number to get someone to drive her home.

I offered her a job at my advertising firm and took her with me to a very important meeting so she could get the feel of things. She dug out her fingernail clippers and cut her toenails during the meeting.

She passed out in the only lane in front of City Hall with a half eaten hamburger in her mouth. After a driver got tired of waiting for her to go, she got out to see if everything was okay and promptly called the cops when my friend was startled awake with McDonald's falling out of her cheek.

I know that my friend drives. I know that she should not. She's been in numerous car accidents involving drugs and luckily, has not killed anyone...yet. But if she does, am I culpable? After all, I should call the police and tell them to be on the look out for her and provide them with her tag number. Why don't I?

Because I love her. Each time she tells me that 'this is it' and she's going to be clean, I choose to believe her. I want her to get better so bad, that I fall for her story each and every time. All of our other friends have left and have urged me to do the same, but I keep hoping that one of those times she tells me she's going to get clean, she really will. That's the optimist in me.

Perhaps Howard K. Stern suffers with the same problem that I do.

The media's decision to condemn this man, even before the cause of death was released, is scary. Maybe HKS is a murderer, maybe he did shove that medicine down her throat to keep her manageable...but where's the proof. Not speculation...proof.

Despite her theatrics, I have enjoyed watching Nancy Grace during the coverage of Anna's death, but tonight, she crossed the line. In the segway leading to the discussion, she had 'serious' music and pictures of Anna. She included video of HKS pulling a hair out of ANS mouth, but blurred it to make it look like he was putting something in in her mouth. Nancy's message was clear.

"Whether the evidence supports it, you are guilty. I'll make sure of it."

If I may borrow your own phrase Nancy Grace, and put my own personal spin on it, I find you not in contempt, but contemptable.

2007-03-24T23:08:00.000-05:00

And The Cause Of Death Is...

If one considers the National Enquirer and Star magazines as credible sources, Anna died from an overdose of sleeping medication (commonly referred to as the 'date rape' drug) and a raging blood infection that would have killed her had she not OD. Evidently, she used a dirty needle to inject herself with some form of medication on Monday afternoon, hence the 105 degree temperature on Wednesday.

I have a feeling things are just getting started.

2007-03-24T23:02:00.000-05:00

Guess...Hiccup...Who?

Guess who did one too many crack baby vodka shots?

2007-03-24T09:37:00.000-05:00

Could It Be...

That I've been spending way too much time with my feet propped up (sans grocery store funk)? Work was crazy for a while, but I found the urge of celebrity criticism impossible to ignore. I tried to block Brit's siren call to return to blogging, but I finally reached my personal boiling point when Britney shaved her head and broke an umbrella. I'm only human and I can only take so much. I knew I had to come back.

Obviously, there is much that has passed that I can never regain (rehab, crotch shots, Anna Nicole, Jessica and John Mayer...I have to stop. It's too painful to go on), but we will forge a new path into the future together.

2006-12-04T08:39:00.000-06:00

Meltdown

Over the weekend Jessica Simpson attended the Kennedy Center Honors to honor Dolly Parton. As much as it pains me to admit this, she looked very pretty. Jessica was to sing "9 to 5" as tribute to Parton. But somewhere along the way, she lost her nerve. In the middle of her performance, she begins mumling something to the effect of 'so nervous' and abruptly leaves the stage mid-song leaving nothing but a silent and shocked audience in her wake. No applause...nothing. Later when she had to return for the end of the show and perform with the other artist, she was said to be in tears.

Never fear though...I heard that her daddy french kissed her back stage and made it all better. Okay not really, but I'm sure he thought about it.

The show will air on CBS on December 26th. I'm sure Jessica's performance will be edited out. Dang it.

2006-11-16T08:27:00.000-06:00

best ever seatbelt ad campaign

This is really neat!

2006-11-14T08:10:00.000-06:00

You Can Have Great Hair Like MJ Too!

Is your hair dry and brittle? Do split ends drive you crazy? Is your hair flat and lifeless despite everything you do? Then you need "Jesus Juice" for your hair! Jesus Juice is an eco friendly shampoo that bathes your hair in minerals and extract from little boys that will make your hair stand up and say "Yes! I'm a pedophile!". Get your bottle of Jesus Juice at any jail cell near you.

2006-11-13T16:23:00.000-06:00

Piece of Poo

We all knew that Kevin Federline was a blood sucking loser living off of his wife and I'm sure most of us expected him to try and squeeze every possible cent from Britney that he could. But his latest stunt shows his true colors. Sources close to the pair are saying that Kevin is threatening to sale a four hour tape of them having sex on their honey moon. He has already been offered $49 million from a local distributor who wants to make the tape available online.

This makes me so mad. I can't believe anyone would do that to the mother of their children and I sincerely hope he gets run over by a bus.

Read the entire story here.

2006-11-10T11:19:00.000-06:00

Work...it?

Who decided that burlap sacks tied with an extension cord were going to be all the rage this year?

2006-11-10T11:12:00.000-06:00

Call Me Crazy...

But when one is embroiled in a custody battle for their children, I don't think modeling the latest lingerie selection from Wal-Mart ('cause you know that's where she shops) is the image one should convey. BUT, I will give Brit Brit this:

She looks like she has bathed recently
Her hair is only partially matted
Her fingernail polish has been completely removed
There is no grease visible on her T-Zone
She looks moderately stylish

I do wish, however, she would lower her skirt. I'm not really interested in seeing where Sean Preston and Jayden James came from.

Side note- When I spell checked my post, Jayden came up with 'Saddam' as an option.

2006-11-10T08:49:00.000-06:00

K-Fed's Checks Are Gay

Now is your chance to own a piece of history. Stop reading and go to Ebay and bid on this check written by Kevin complete with "Insufficient Funds" stamped across it. Notice the quaint design in the background. Is it a bear? Or a doll? Whatever it is, it appears to be a glimpse into The Fed's economic life. Insufficient indeed.

2006-11-09T10:49:00.000-06:00

Conversations With Mother

The above nail polish is my current color of choice. It's called 'Lincoln Park After Dark' by OPI and I've been wearing it on my toes for about a year. Well, recently I decided to paint my fingernails the same color. Something I rarely do. I'm a clear coat kind of girl. Most people don't like it in the bottle but quickly change their minds when they see it on. It's a great color for fall.

So mother comes over and she is aghast to say the least.

"What is that?" She said pointing to my fingernails.

"It's not black...it's eggplant," I said in a weary voice. "It's called 'Lincoln Park After Dark."

"I don't care if it's called Halleuliah Highway! It looks evil." She exclaimed.

"Well, it's not. And it's what's in your heart that counts anyway," I played the 'what's in your heart' card which was usually her argument when she said 'shit' or other words unbefitting of a genteel Southern Lady. It was okay for her to say 'shit' because 'shit' wasn't really in her heart I guess.

"You need to wear colors that proclaim life and uplift Jesus! Jesus is life and I don't think he would wear that color."

"Mother, I don't think Jesus would wear any color." She made it too easy for me sometimes.

"You know what I meant. There's victory in Jesus and you need to wear polish that reflects that! He's alive!" She was really getting wound up. I could tell I needed to end this as quickly as possible.

"Well. There's a new color coming out called 'Lustful Lucifer'. I plan on trying it out next month."

2006-11-09T08:32:00.000-06:00

Have You Missed Me?

With all of the breaking news on celebrity divorces, poor wardrobe choices and Faith's freak out, it has been REALLY difficult for me not to blog. I've resorted to leaving messages all over message boards like K-Fed spreads his seed (I know..that was gross. See what happens when I go too long without a creative outlet?) So I'm thinking I may come out of retirement for a short while and just get it out of my system.

2006-10-07T13:42:00.000-05:00

The End of A Chapter

Well, my lovelies, the time has come for me to say good bye. Real Life has intruded and I can no longer update my blog as frequently as I'd like and it worries me when I know I haven't done so.

I started my own Marketing and Advertising agency almost two years ago and in the past three months, my business has literally doubled. I guess I should be thankful for that but Ridicluelessness has been my baby for quite some time now.

Now, I'm not saying it's over. I'm just saying that my bitchiness must give way to hard deadlines, tv and radio production and keeping ornery clients happy.

I'm sure I'll be back at some point. Never say never.

Thank you for the support, the comments, and the laughs and the wonderful friendships I've developed.

Hopefully, I'll see you some time in the future.

Goodbye. For now....

2006-10-01T11:52:00.000-05:00

At Least I'm Honest About It

I was visiting another blog and the topic was Real Women Lie. As I perused my response, I realized I would be doing my fellow ladies an injustice by not sharing it with you. I'm sure there are plenty tips you can add as well, so please do so. I need all the help I can get.

"I don't really lie about my weight or my makeup (who does seriously? I never knew lying about makeup was an issue with women) but I will own the fact that I tell BIG FAT BLACK LIES (as opposed to white) to my husband when it involves a purchase that I'm sure will constrict his heart. But I have picked up a few ideas over the years that prevent me from lying. It's more along the lines of 'creative truth telling'.

1. Keep your purchases in your trunk for a minimum of three days. When you take them out, you can say "Oh, I've had these", and you won't technically be lying.

2. If you are unable to keep your items in your trunk for three days, keep a red pen in your glove box. What happens to that $140 shirt? You just got it on sale for 75% off. The beauty of this, is you still don't have to lie. If he asks you how much an item cost, simple smile and show him the tag. Is it your fault he didn't ask you if you are in possession of a red pen in your glove box of which you used to deceitfully mark down your item while you sat in the car before you brought it in and erroneously assumed up only paid $35 for the shirt? No. It's not.

3. Allow him to purchase one ridiculously expensive item. You can get YEARS of mileage out of this. My husband purchased a paint ball gun for about $350 not counting the paint and gear, which I think brought the total close to $1000. If I don't feel like an elaborate ruse, I simply breeze through the house in my stunning but sinfully expensive shoes and proudly boast that I paid $200 for them yesterday. If he opens is mouth in protest, the following response should be adequate: "Oh please! You bought that stupid paint gun for $500. At least my purchase will do something productive like preventing my feet from being ripped to shreds on the pavement. What does YOUR purchase do?" Derision is key. He will in most cases, return to his game of Internet Checkers."

4. Purchase one small item for your husband to keep him busy while you bring in your other four bags of boutny.

Word of warning: If the sale was so fabulous and you didn't think to impliement any of the above tactics, sexual favors always work.
Always.

2006-09-27T21:27:00.000-05:00

May The Fug Be With You

Scarlett...the next time you come to pick up my trash, would you please stop taking the DVD's of your movies out of my trash bags?

2006-09-27T21:01:00.000-05:00

That Blows

Kate Moss attended her rehabilitated boyfriend's concert last night and several concert goers noticed a little white dust in her nose. I must say it does look visible in this picture and people around her were saying it was 'talcum powder'. Talcum Powder! I didn't even know you could get that unless you ordered it trough Avon. Further more, if someone went around telling people that I wore talcum powder, I would lie and say it was cocaine.

2006-09-27T20:44:00.000-05:00

The End Draweth Nigh

Dustin 'Screech' Diamond is the proud owner of his own forty minute sex tape that features him and two other women. This descent into fornication is tentativly titled Saved By The Smell. I think it should be called I Think I'm In Hell out of respect for those who view it.

2006-09-27T19:31:00.000-05:00

No, I'm Not Dead

I know it feels as if I have abandoned you but alas, I have not. THE HOUSEKEEPER HAS RETURNED. WOO HOO! Thank you so much for all the emails asking about me...makes a girl feel good that so many people miss the bitchin'.

So I'm off to work on a few posts for you my friends. I've got a lot of animosity pent up, mainly at Lindsey Lohan for INSISTING to show her crotch at every conceivable angle.

2006-09-13T13:34:00.000-05:00

Warning: Political Rant Ahead

Some of you may be aware of a film that debuted at the Toronto Film Festival last night entitled Death Of A President, which features a simulated George W. Bush being assasinated by a sniper bullet. Most Americans, regardless of their political leanings, are offended greatly by this mocumentry. Myself included.

What bothers me most is that those in the British media refuse to speak out against this film. I think it's irresponisble and from the clip I've seen, it's evident the filmakers are guilty of wishful thinking. What I find so ironic is that some Britians accuse Americans of being uncivilized and barbaric. Hello Pot.

No offense to my UK readers...you know I love you dearly!

2006-09-13T09:15:00.000-05:00

Brooke Sheilds Eats Her Eye Boogers

OMG..this is the most disgusting thing ever (aside from the recent Lindsey Hohan crotch shot that's floating around). There is an entire series of pictures of Brooke Sheilds picking her eye booger and then sticking her finger in her mouth. I'd hate to know what she does after she gets though poo poo'ing.

2006-09-11T21:43:00.000-05:00

Awakening

I will always remember because I could never forget,
the blood that flowed through ash and made our streets wet.

I will always remember my countrymen who lost their lives,
The sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, the husbands and wives.

I will always remember the screams that filled the air,
when it became obvious that help could not get there.

I will always remember the silence that soon came,
as we watched the towers crumble in a concrete filled rain.

I will always remember the cries of agony and pain,
as each one of us realized life would never be the same.

I will always remember the firemen who rushed into their tombs,
and in my sleep I hear their children say, 'Will my daddy be home soon?"

I will always remember my president standing on the rubble,
who assured us Al Queda had found what they sought...trouble.

I will always remember the first year, the second and the third,
and as the tanks with soilders roll out, I'm glad he kept his word.

I will always remember the charred ground from flight 93,
and I know that easily could have been you or me.

I will always remember the lives that were lost that day,
I pray that God shines His light and we let Him lead the way.

Author Unknown

You may not agree with everything that happens in this country, but please remember that we are all united in one cause. Freedom. Thank you to all the men and women who selflessly give their time and in some cases, their lives. I salute you and you are the reason I enjoy the freedoms I do. I promise to teach my children to respect and reflect on what you've done and the sacrifices you've made.

May God bless our country, our cause and each of us as we navigate our way through these treacherous times.

2006-09-09T09:16:00.000-05:00

What A Tangled Web We Weave

And no I don't mean Jessica's hair. It seems that everyone knew Jessica was dating John Mayer...except John Mayer. The relationship between the two is over before it ever really began. According to sources close to Mayer, he sees her publicity blitz about their 'relationship' as questionable due to the fact that Jessica began talking a few days before her record hit the shelves. Strangely enough...Jessica was extremely open about her relationship with Mayer then suddenly asserted they weren't really dating. The ploy didn't work though...she only sold 92,000 copies as apposed to Nick's 175,000. John Mayer said he's no longer interested in Jessica and things her tactics were 'desperate'.

2006-09-08T16:53:00.000-05:00

Rave

Guess which star is playing the role of a lifetime? And by that, I mean the opportunity to dress like a woman.

2006-09-08T10:23:00.000-05:00

So Long My Friend

When my parent's house burned to the ground in May, I inherited my father's dog, Bill Bob. Bill Bob was fifteen years old and he was featured occasionally on this blog. Bill Bob's stay with us was temporary until my father could have a privacy fence built at their new home. In the meantime, my father would come over everyday after work and spend about an hour with Bill Bob to make sure he knew my dad hadn't forgot him.

Sometime between last night and this morning, Bill Bob was struck by a car and died. My neighbor, who has become very fond of the dog, knocked on my door and shared the bad news with me. My heart broke for my father. He loved this dog. So I got Billy to go check and make sure it was really Bill Bob although I knew deep down it was. As soon as I got the confirmation call, I threw on some clothes and headed to my dad's business.

"Hey dad...I have some bad news." I said in a quiet voice I didn't even recognize. I looked him in the eye, praying that he would guess so I wouldn't have to say the words.

His face instantly grew serious. "What is it?!" Still, I waited.

"Bill Bob's dead," I informed him in a near whisper. "He got run over by a car. Billy's going to get him now and bury him for you."

"Don't tell me that! Don't tell me that!" my father demanded, pacing back and forth. "I don't want to see him...I can't see him. It'll kill me."

My mother was in the background crying softly before becoming angry. "What was his tail doing out of the fence anyway?!" She asked no one in particular. Bill Bob was an escape artist. There was no fence that could keep him in, despite our numerous attempts. Our yard looked like Sanford and Son from all the things we had put in front of the fence to keep him in.

My father sat down on some boxes, buried his face in his hands...and cried like a baby. "Well, I guess my boy's gone. I gotta move on now. He was my best friend but I can't let it get me down. I gotta move on. But I'm through with dogs. There'll never be another one like him." I looked at his hands. They were soaking wet. I put my arm around him and waited for him to gain his composure. We sat together for a few minutes before my father took a deep breath.

He picked up the phone and called Billy and requested that Bill Bob be buried where he was born...the empty lot where my parents house once stood on the hill a few short months ago. He said he wanted him taken 'home'.

2006-09-07T09:29:00.000-05:00

Where's Maddie?

This is a picture of the University Of Alabama football stadium. It was taken this past Saturday night at the UA vs. Hawaii game from a helicopter. I am somewhere in this picture with my bonus child, "D". Top deck, left side. There I am...see?

So we're sitting there watching the game and it is so crowded...largest attendance in the schools history. And it's hot. And we're sweaty. And we are on the side that faces the sun (which as just gone down minutes before) and we are sandwiched between a woman and her daughter on one side and a couple on the other. The wind starts blowing and funk assaults my nostrils. I'll try to describe it without going into all the graphic detail...you know how when a woman is...having an intimate relationship with Tampax or Kotex? Well...obviously the woman (not the one with the child) was having one and she was hesitant to depart from it. She had been sitting out in the hot sun and had not made any trips to the bathroom to 'take care of business and freshen up' in a really loooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnggggg time. Everyone following me?

So my nose hairs are burning and I want take my shirt off and make a makeshift gas mask. The bitch is rurnt. D looks at me and goes, "Dude...what's that smell?" What do you tell a seventeen year old young man? I tried to be as delicate as possible but I told him what I thought it was. So obviously the woman knows her knickers are kicking it, cause she leaves the game early. She has to walk in front of me and D. When I tell you the woman's bum passed not even three inches from our noses...D and I both looked at each other and D goes, 'Oh my God," as if he cannot even comprehend something smelling so foul. The wind is blowing hard to.

So our noses stop bleeding and the wind settles down. Then, the bottom fell out. D looks at me and says, "Dude...somebody's baby farted." I look around...no babies are anywhere in the vicinity. I'm thinking someone has a skid in their underwear after that one, cause it was horrific. I tell D to take his shirt off and wave it around in surrender. So for the rest of the night, we listen to the little girl beside us scream cheers the entire time, at the top of her lungs, even when we were doing bad, and she smells like poo.

Ah...nothing like football in Autumn.

2006-09-07T08:27:00.000-05:00

Welcome To The Jungle

Hey Mischa? My grandmother called...she wants her beat down, 1970's, Dolly Parton, coat of many colors purse back. Did Cisco tell you that the gold lame shirt worked? Cause the only thing it's working is my cornea. How much does a quarter bag cost these days?

2006-09-06T17:27:00.000-05:00

Poor Babies...

My poor readers. I'm sorry I've abandoned you in favor of Tide with Febreeze. I've thought about each of you every day so don't despair. You may personally thank T-Girl for the removal of John Mayer's picture. My posting may be sporadic for the next few days but I promise I will be back to my normal, bitchy, regular posting self as soon as my housekeeper returns. I may even try and sneak a few posts in today if I can get the FRUIT OF MY LOINS TO CLEAN UP THEIR ROOMS.

Ladies...I don't know how you do it. My hat is seriously off to you. I will defend stay at home mothers until the death. I dare someone suggest there is a harder job. Although I'm not technically a stay at home mom, my office is in my home and without my housekeeper here...let's just say I've increased my anti-depressant dosage.

Please don't go away. I'm coming...just pray that Mrs. E's stitches heal fast.

2006-08-30T08:55:00.000-05:00

Shotgun On The Short Bus

Ladies and gentlemen..."Your Body Is A Wonderland" artist, John Mayer who is now dating...Jessica Simpson. Sources claim she's never been 'happier'. Now, I'm not saying that John is ugly, but I have no problem what so ever saying I wouldn't let him escort me to a dog fight.

2006-08-30T08:41:00.000-05:00

75,000

Stars may be blind but they sure ain't deaf. Paris Hilton, despite her self-cry inducing record, has sold only a mere 75,000 copies in the U.S. If you need that put into perspective for you, Nick Lachey's first solo recored, entitled SoulO (gag) sold 80,000. Maybe she should change her boasting from she's an 'iconic' blonde to she's a 'colonic' blonde.

2006-08-30T08:38:00.000-05:00

Psst...

Christina...when you go to a costume party, the purpose is to dress up in something you don't normaly wear. Also, ain't no other man got club feet like your hubby either.

2006-08-29T19:15:00.000-05:00

I'm Sorry

My lovlies...please forgive my absence. I have been %$#&%$%$ crazy at work and other stuff and I've pretty much had the worst week of my life but I have missed you all! Please bear with me...as soon as I get through with the laundry (my housekeeper is off for God knows how long and I am getting in touch with my inner domestic diva. I hate her (my domestic diva...not my housekeeper). I've missed you all but I simply haven't had time to watch Flava Of Love let alone update my blog.

So check back in an hour or so...and I'll be my beautifully bitchy self once again.

2006-08-25T07:10:00.000-05:00

J. What?

The Atlanta Journal Constitution is reporting that some little boy singer Jesse McCartney or something like that, accidently spilled the beans about why J.Lo is no longer working on the movie Dallas. When asked by a Star 94 jock if Jesse's girlfriend, Katie Cassidy(yes, it's David Cassidy's daughter) knew the details on why J. Lo was fired he responded, "She didn't get fired. She's pregnant." He then had what witnesses call a major "Uh oh" moment. He was later heard asking his handler "Was I not supposed to say anything?"

Ironically, the name of Jesse's single is "Right where you want me" and I have a feeling it's going to be attached to Jennifer Lopez's boot.

2006-08-23T08:31:00.000-05:00

I Wanna Dance With Somebody

If you needed further proof that Osama Bin Laden is crazy, Page Six is reporting that the terrorist is not only obsessed with blowing up the United States, but he is also infatuated with Whitney Houston. So much so, that he even contemplated taking a hit out on her husband. Kola Boof, one of Bin Laden's former sex slaves, asserts that 'although he claimed her music was evil, he spoke of someday spending vast amounts of money to go to America and arrange a meeting'. He spoke of breaking his 'color rule' and making her 'one of his wives'.

Maybe Whitney should at least toss the idea around. Bin Laden has enough money to keep her in crack for years.

2006-08-23T07:50:00.000-05:00

It's Ova

Paramount has severed ties with Tom Cruise and calls his behavior 'unacceptable'. Cruise has stared in over 27 films with an average box office draw of $99 million each. He received $75 million for his role in Mission Impossible 3 and his behavior prior to the film has been blamed for the films perceived flop despite the film grossing $395 million worldwide.

Batten down the hatches folks...Xenu is pissed.

2006-08-22T14:22:00.000-05:00

Gayer Than The Gayest of Gay

Lance Bass is obviously feeling footloose and fancy free since he admitted to being a homosexual (good for him...although we already knew it). He also claimed to be a 'straight acting gay guy'.

I don't think so.

2006-08-22T12:27:00.000-05:00

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Us is reporting that Madonna and Guy Ritchie tried to rid the world of Nuclear waste by offering "magic" Kabbalah elixer to British Authorties.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHA.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

2006-08-22T08:22:00.000-05:00

Pick up your toys

WOULD DIE....

2006-08-21T16:35:00.000-05:00

Calgon Take Me Away

Nelly Furtado gives the co-HO of the Teen Choice Awards, Jessica Simpson a big hug. I wonder if those wayward stripes made Jessica dizzy? Because after studying Nelly's dress for a few minutes, trying to decide where I should start, I had a seizure. See...the general rule is you wear vertical stripes because they make you appear slimmer. I guess Nelly couldn't make up her mind and decided to go all out and wear stripes of every imaginable degree. I'm torn between prison wear and the movie Bettle Juice. I literally want to stab myself in the eyes with a very blunt object.