So I am trying to quit smoking after fifteen years. Not fun. Its been four days and my desire to smoke is just as great as it was twenty minutes after my last one. Why must everything so fun be bad for you? Too make matters worse, I am obsessed about gaining weight. I like to think that I am anorexic with out the not eating part. I love to eat I just think I am fat when others assure me I'm not. Whatever. I would rather be obsessed aboutgaining weight than complacent.

I joined Quitnet.com for support while I try to quit. It has a life calculator that tells you how much life you have lost based on your years of smoking and how much you get back as you remain smoke free. Hardly encouraging. After smoking 15 years I have only lost a month of my life. That's all? I have managed to get seven hours of that back though since Tuesday. But I have lost countless hours since then just imagining cigarettes.

My thoughts have morphed into a giant cigarette with a man's face coming toward me, tempting me, begging me to come to him. I hear porn music in the background and I feel quite tawdry. But I want him. Badly. I have managed to fight him off thus far.

I have tried to quit before going 'cold turkey'. That to me, is like having a baby without any medicine. Utter stupidity. This time I am using the patch and I even managed to listen to the enclosed support CD a few times. I must admit, listening to the CD almost made me want to pursue other avenues of assistance because the CD is so stupid and the acting is horrible. I would prefer not to be associated with something so ridiculous.

I have been a bitch pretty much to everyone I know for the last few days but it is fun having a legitimate excuse to be one. No matter what you do or say, understanding dawns when you say "Sorry...I'm trying to quit smoking. Now hand me those #$@ing fries."