Southernisims

On occasion it has been prevailed upon me to defend my Southern heritage, which at times, has been made extremely difficult by my Southern brethren. I freely admit that. So I would like to take this opportunity to put to rest and shed light many of the assertions that surround our proud people.

ASSERTION: All persons who live in the South are married to their brother/sister/father/mother/insert close relative here.
FALSE-While I am sure that can be said of some persons residing in the South, we try to cut off the familial connection at first cousins.

ASSERTION: All Southerners live in trailers
TRALSE-I cannot lie and say that we do not have an abundance of 16 x 80's with underpinning and astroturf, but it would be narrow minded to include all of us in this categorization.

ASSERTION: All Southerners have cars on blocks in their front yard.
FALSE- I do concede however, that this could be a false negative as some individuals grass is simply too high to know what they have adorning their lawn.

ASSERTION: All Southerners think tornadoes sound like freight trains.
FALSE: The national media does help to perpetuate this fallacy when they interview individuals who've witnessed nature's wrath while dwelling in a trailer park and have four teeth (two in their mouth and two in their pockets) whilst holding a pig under their arm.

ASSERTION: All Southerners are uneducated.
FALSE-Now this here is just ignernt. I ain't even gone sanctify this comment with a response.

ASSERTION: The prettiest women are in the South.
TRALSE: I must say that Southern women are beautiful, but I think that has a lot to do with the fact that we wont go to a colon cleansing with out doin' it up. But now we have some Trailer Puddin too so that prevents me from declaring this unequivocally correct.

ASSERTION: Southerners talk too slow
TRUE: Yes. Yes we do. But it's the freaking heat people. It's hard to even think when its so humid outside your hair looks like a Brillo pad. Yes, it takes us thirty minutes to ask for a glass of sweet tea but cut us some slack for crying out loud. Oh and by the way...we may talk slow...but we don't hear slow. There is no need to talk R E A L L Y L O U D A N D S U P E R S L O W to make sure we understand you. We ain't ignernt.

ASSERTION: Southerners can't handle the snow
TRUE: This is very true. If the Anti-Christs (plural) who are in cahoots with the grocery stores, I mean meteorologist say we might get an inch of snow...you can kiss that loaf of bread and gallon of milk BUH BYE. Kid got a birthday present you need a battery for? Nuh huh. Not happening if snow is in the forecast.

ASSERTION: Southerners consider football a religion.
TRUE: Roll Tide.