United Way Won't Be Able To Help You

You know...some people might assume that a woman who is of small frame (5'2") and weighs approximately less than eight stone, would not be a concern. In most cases, this may prove true unless one of the following things were to happen:

1. You mess with her children
2. You mess with her husband

Well guess what? Someone messed with my husband and I am mighty fired up about it. Forgive me if I revert to redneck lingo as it is difficult for me to retain my tenuous grip on human decency at this point. But let me state as clearly as I possibly can: I will beat a bitch's ass. I may be of short stature but let there be no doubt...you simply do not mess with what is mine.

For example. The stripper who was at my husband's bachelor party who tried to 'bow up' on me? She was face down in the jacuzzi in two seconds flat and while it was only me who had my fist in her face, she repeatedly begged, "Ya'll stop." Now please don't confuse me with a Redneck Rita (see sidebar) but I was pushed beyond my limit. In fact, that incident was the first time I have actually struck another human being in anger. You may be a stripper sweetie but I'm from Coker and I have been known to ooze trailer puddin' on occassion.

Which brings me to today's incident. Some women simply don't understand when a man, a married one at that, is simply being a nice, courteous professional. Some women simply don't understand that when you leave voice mail messages on their phone (whom the husband has encouraged is wife to check as the individual in question has made repeated calls) that state "I really had no purpose for calling...I was just thinking about you," will incite the wife of said husband to violence. But the woman who is calling has no idea that I have seen a picture of her and her hips are the size of a double wide and her hair looks like a Brillo Pad...fried, dyed and laid to the side. While I am certainly no beauty queen, I do not require my own zip code.

So my message to anyone who would dare attempt to mess with my husband...be forewarned because I am nothing if not tenacious and I'm not scared of nutthin'.