Conversations With Mother

My mother is a big woman. In Starbucks terminology, she would be considered 'grande'. So, after years of ignoring my pleas, she finally went on a diet one week ago. She is following a protein modified fasting diet that usually results in rapid weight loss. She's stuck to it and I'm very proud of her, but...

She has become Satan incarnate.

Today I get a phone call from my edgy mother. The conversation is as follows:

Moi: "Hello?"

Mom:"First of all, before I tell you this, let me just say, I know I was wrong."

Moi: "What's going on?"

Mom: "Well, I think this diet has got me all messed up, because I am ill as a hornet. Today, as I was leaving the dollar store, I saw this truck coming down the street really fast, but I backed out of my parking space anyway, and I know I shouldn't have done it, but I did. Well, anyway, he gets right up on my bumper and stays that way until we get to the red light, where he is still just sitting right on top of me. So, I get out of the car-"

Moi: "Mother! Don't ever do that! People get shot for less than what you did. That was crazy!"

Mom: "I know it, but now listen...so I walk up to his truck and I say to him, 'Back off!' and I pointed down at the ground with my finger to show him I meant business, and do you know what he told me?"

Moi: "No telling..."

Mom: "He told me to get in my fucking car. "

Moi: smothered laughter

Mom: "I told him that he was NOT going to talk to me that way, because I was a Christian and I didn't talk that way and I didn't deserve to be spoken to that way either. So then he says, 'I'm sorry mam...get the hell back into your car' and I just went off."

Moi: "What did you say?"

Mom: "I told him he needed Jesus!"

Moi: "Mother...you're acting like a maniac and you tell him he needs Jesus?"

Mom: "I sure did! I told him he also needed salvation!"

Moi: "Do you know what you need mother? A cookie. "