When Harry Met Virginia Gail

My mother is a very loud, boisterous woman. When she hates something, she can't hide and when she loves something she lets evvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrbody know.

I had a Sales Managers meeting in Atlanta at a resort and I took mother with me. Biggest disaster of a trip EVER. First she got me lost (she was reading the map), then she locked me out of our room and could not figure out for the life of her who to let me in. I stood on the outside of the door raising hell until this man walked up and asked me if I needed any help. I told him no and thanked him. Turned out...it was the president of Clear Channel, John Hogan, who heard me acting like a redneck trying to get in my room. Then she ordered room service and I mean she ordered ROOM SERVICE. Lobster, steak...homegirl was going to get her eat on. But the icing on the cake was when we got massages. She had never had one and I was really excited about her getting one due to her arthritic back.

She was a little uncomfortable at first because I encourage to remove all her clothes and not be a prude. They called us back at the same time and she went in one room and I went in another. I was relaxing enjoying Enya's greatest hits when a voice penetrated my candle lit oil induced haze.

"YESSSSSSS! OHHHHHHh...THAT FEEL WUUUUNNNNDERFUL."

Is that my mother?

"OH MY GOODNESS...OHHHH YES....AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I tense up and the masseuse tells me I need to learn to relax. YOU THINK? IS THAT YOUR MOTHER SOUNDING LIKE SHE IS IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ORGASM? DID PEOPLE SEE YOU WALK IN WITH HER? I DIDN'T THINK SO. JUST DO YOUR JOB AND LET ME WORRY ABOUT THE TENSION OKAY?????? DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING I CAN RUPTURE MY EARDRUMS WITH????

"OHHHHH I AM IN HEAVEN. YESSSSSSSSS...OH RIGHT THERE!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The masseuse starts to giggle. My descent into hell is complete.