A Place No Man Has Been Before
Every year on Christmas Eve, we would all gather at my grandparents house. The entire extended family numbered roughly about fifty so the house was usually packed and everyone talked at once. When I was a bitter seventeen year old (who isn't at seventeen right?) I had just got my plate and was trying to find a place to sit down and eat, when my grandmother called to me from across the room. Being the matriarch (thanks T) of the family, everyone fell silent when my grandmother spoke.
"Maddie...are you pure?" She asked around a mouthful of food as she pointed at me with her fork. I noticed a lone macaroni noodle hanging from it.
The entire house fell silent and everyone studied their plates. The clink of glassware was deafening.
"Pure? What do you mean 'pure'?" I asked in an effort to buy time. Seriously. THIS WAS NOT HAPPENING TO ME.
"I mean have you ever been with a man?" Her head was tilted back as she peered at me through the bifocal part on her eyeglass lens.
I was immediatly struck by a perverse thought and weighed my options. I could simply say "yes" and move on, continuing to be mortified for the rest of my natural life, or I could say...
"Oh, yes mam. Hundereds of 'em," I'm sure somewhere in the house, a mouse dropped their cheese and said "No she didn't!" to his little mouse friend. What I had said...was that serious.
"Gooooood Gracious!" She exclaimed. Every eye in the house was now trained on me. I asked someone to perform the Heimlich on my mother. I tried to appear as wide eyed and innocent as possible but it was becoming more difficult by the second to remain composed.
"I'm just kidding...I'm as pure as the driven snow," I assured her. Everyone seemed to breath a sigh of relief, resumed eating and acted as if I had not just been called to the carpet in front of everyone.
"So whose handing out the presents this year?" My grandfather asked. "Are we singing carols this year or what?"
The next year I was asked if I was on drugs.
The year after that? Anorexia.
posted by Maddie at 8:03 PM
4 Comments:
Kim...you and me *right here*.
My grandmother asked me the same question when I was the exact same age except she asked me if I was "damaged goods"!!! I had never heard of it before and out of nowhere the question popped out her mouth. In our native tongue she said "come here child, I have something to ask you. I know things have changed since I was a child but there's something to be said for chastity. You aren't damaged goods, are you?" Huh? What? I am so hot having this conversation with my grandmother. And all I could mutter was..."no grandma, of course I'm not damaged goods." Since then my friends affectionately nicknamed me damaged goods.
My family is the same way, except it was my MOTHER who asked me. Tawnya
LMAO...carpet burn on your forehead? I think we ARE related...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Post a Comment
<< Home