Give Me Candy Or Give Me...Somewhere To Hide...
As I mentioned in my previous post, a very close friend of mine, T.B, was digging through the candy discount bins and emerged a short time later with her arms laden with Mike and Ike's and various states of chocolate. As she was making her way to the front of the store, she was immediately brought to a jarring stand still as her stomach growled in protest from the tequila she had partied on the night before. She waited a second more before moving on, confident that this was only a warning of what would be visited upon her later. Confident she had plenty of time, she resumed her trek to the front.
The growl had now evolved to a roar. T.B knew she was running out of precious time with each nanosecond that passed. She looked across the massive store and calculated how much time it would take her to make it to the bathroom. With a determination she had no idea she possessed, she focused on her goal and kept the prize in sight. 100 feet away....75....50...omg...omg...25...deep breaths...deep breaths...10....WHAT!!!! HOW CAN PEOPLE BE STANDING IN LINE??? She quickly assessed her competition...did she just cut or did she practice mind altering techniques until it was her turn. She waited...nothing happened. The line was not moving! And people were still chipper! She knew that she was going to have to leave now...except...she had spent so much time looking for that candy. And it was 75% off! She could hide it somewhere but she was certain she would forget where she hid it. She could either put the candy down and walk away from it forever, into the safety of her car...or she could have faith that she could mentally 'keep the faucet closed'.
There was a register with only one person in line and he was almost done! Praise the Saints! She clutched her candy tighter and zeroed in on the beckoning light of number 14. GASP! Someone beat her! That's okay though...one person...not a lot of stuff...we're okay.
She was in line! YES! And Mr. Man With Scobbed Up Teeth was almost done! She sooooo had this...ha ha! She had won!
The line quickly filled up behind her and she smugly bathed in her superiority. Numero Uno...suckas. Okay...money is changing hands...he's almost...
OMG. Without the slightest warning or hint, T.B. sadly learned that she needed to work on her mental skills. The faucet was open and it was a flowin, right into her blue track suit and into her shoes. She was frozen in shock. She could hear the loud sniffing sounds behind her as people tried to figure out why their noses were burning. She looked behind her, expecting to see mocking glares...all she saw was utter confusion and chaos. And an extremely hot guy.
"Dude...somebody needs to change their baby," the Greek God offered in a futile attempt to make sense out of madness.
Did she dare blame an innocent child for her greed for candy? Was there even a baby nearby so she could? Quick scan...ah....close enough.
Snort. "Really" She rolled her eyes to emphasize her agreement with his assessment.
Uh-oh. It was her turn at the register but the conveyor belt was two steps away. She had not moved since her 'cleansing'. Deep breath. One step....and then...another. Oops. That kicked it up again...the sniffing resumed as the patrons were once again cast into darkness.
She was going to die..plain and simple. She would never venture into public again. Her life, for all intents and purposes, was over.
"That will be $3.75," the cashier said with boredom.
"$3.75? It should be more than that...I have six bags of candy here!" WOULD THE HUMILATION EVER END??? WAS THE CASHIER ON TO HER AND WAS SHE SIMPLY TRYING TO GET HER ARRESTED FOR SHOP LIFTING? SO SHE WOULD HAVE TO WALK BACK TO THE SECURITY OFFICER'S OFFICE FOR ALL THE WORLD TO WITNESS HER DEGRIDATION???
The cashier breathed deep and snatched the receipt up to review. "Nope. Dat's right...the candy was discounted another 15% this morning."
Shell shocked, T.B took a crisp $5 bill from her knock off Prada wallet. She handed the money to the woman with two inch nails as if in slow motion. Despite the anguish, fear and odor...it has all been worth it. Six..count em SIX bags of candy for $3.75. It was a good day indeed.
As I mentioned in my previous post, a very close friend of mine, T.B, was digging through the candy discount bins and emerged a short time later with her arms laden with Mike and Ike's and various states of chocolate. As she was making her way to the front of the store, she was immediately brought to a jarring stand still as her stomach growled in protest from the tequila she had partied on the night before. She waited a second more before moving on, confident that this was only a warning of what would be visited upon her later. Confident she had plenty of time, she resumed her trek to the front.
The growl had now evolved to a roar. T.B knew she was running out of precious time with each nanosecond that passed. She looked across the massive store and calculated how much time it would take her to make it to the bathroom. With a determination she had no idea she possessed, she focused on her goal and kept the prize in sight. 100 feet away....75....50...omg...omg...25...deep breaths...deep breaths...10....WHAT!!!! HOW CAN PEOPLE BE STANDING IN LINE??? She quickly assessed her competition...did she just cut or did she practice mind altering techniques until it was her turn. She waited...nothing happened. The line was not moving! And people were still chipper! She knew that she was going to have to leave now...except...she had spent so much time looking for that candy. And it was 75% off! She could hide it somewhere but she was certain she would forget where she hid it. She could either put the candy down and walk away from it forever, into the safety of her car...or she could have faith that she could mentally 'keep the faucet closed'.
There was a register with only one person in line and he was almost done! Praise the Saints! She clutched her candy tighter and zeroed in on the beckoning light of number 14. GASP! Someone beat her! That's okay though...one person...not a lot of stuff...we're okay.
She was in line! YES! And Mr. Man With Scobbed Up Teeth was almost done! She sooooo had this...ha ha! She had won!
The line quickly filled up behind her and she smugly bathed in her superiority. Numero Uno...suckas. Okay...money is changing hands...he's almost...
OMG. Without the slightest warning or hint, T.B. sadly learned that she needed to work on her mental skills. The faucet was open and it was a flowin, right into her blue track suit and into her shoes. She was frozen in shock. She could hear the loud sniffing sounds behind her as people tried to figure out why their noses were burning. She looked behind her, expecting to see mocking glares...all she saw was utter confusion and chaos. And an extremely hot guy.
"Dude...somebody needs to change their baby," the Greek God offered in a futile attempt to make sense out of madness.
Did she dare blame an innocent child for her greed for candy? Was there even a baby nearby so she could? Quick scan...ah....close enough.
Snort. "Really" She rolled her eyes to emphasize her agreement with his assessment.
Uh-oh. It was her turn at the register but the conveyor belt was two steps away. She had not moved since her 'cleansing'. Deep breath. One step....and then...another. Oops. That kicked it up again...the sniffing resumed as the patrons were once again cast into darkness.
She was going to die..plain and simple. She would never venture into public again. Her life, for all intents and purposes, was over.
"That will be $3.75," the cashier said with boredom.
"$3.75? It should be more than that...I have six bags of candy here!" WOULD THE HUMILATION EVER END??? WAS THE CASHIER ON TO HER AND WAS SHE SIMPLY TRYING TO GET HER ARRESTED FOR SHOP LIFTING? SO SHE WOULD HAVE TO WALK BACK TO THE SECURITY OFFICER'S OFFICE FOR ALL THE WORLD TO WITNESS HER DEGRIDATION???
The cashier breathed deep and snatched the receipt up to review. "Nope. Dat's right...the candy was discounted another 15% this morning."
Shell shocked, T.B took a crisp $5 bill from her knock off Prada wallet. She handed the money to the woman with two inch nails as if in slow motion. Despite the anguish, fear and odor...it has all been worth it. Six..count em SIX bags of candy for $3.75. It was a good day indeed.
posted by Maddie at 10:01 AM
1 Comments:
This is one of THE funniest things I have EVER heard, it is like your worst nightmare, coming true... to someone else! Poor thing! I just DIED when I read it!
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