Baby In A Belly

The way women's body responds to pregnancy always amazes me. Christina looks great here although I think she's full of shit because no pregnant woman is going to willingly put heels on.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I gained 65 pounds and was pretty much a raging bitch the entire time (just ask the waitresses at the Waffle House. "I'll cover and smother you, whore if you don't get me my hash browns!" I was put on bed rest about six months into my pregnancy so I pretty much sat around my house in my maternity panties and a t-shirt with the thermostat set on 4.

What happened to the good old days when pregnant women lived in sweat suits and rarely brushed their hair? I mean...it's the only time in a woman's life when she can let herself go and not care.

But this...this display by Christina Aguilera puts added pressure on pregnant chicks to actually make an effort to look presentable, which I think is unfortunate.

Resist the temptation ladies and let it all hang out. This is the moment many of you have dreamed about...unlimited ice cream, sporadic showers and ever-present house shoes...just the way the good Lord intended it.

Calling All Techies

Unbeknownst to me, some individuals viewing my blog using Internet Explorer see a messed up template. My profile and side bar are at the bottom of the page. I've tried to fix it, but I can't. Anyone have any idea or suggestions on what I should do?

Guess The Celebrity...

I'll give you a hint...at one point her body was a wonderland.

The Chronicles of Wynonna

Love may be able to build a bridge, but I pray that hatred can build a big ass steam liner to take me as far from this image as possible. I'm not sure if the dress was really supposed to be red or if someone took one look at it and bled out.

See the thing is...why do large ladies wear large clothes? The last thing you need is a dress that billows or something with enough material to clothe an entire third world country. And what pray tell, is that lavender head band doing besides not matching?

Look Nona...can I call you Nona? I know your hubby was a perverted sicko and all that, but when you adorn yourself as thus, it's not hard to imagine why. There is nothing wrong with not being a size three/four, but neither should you strive to wear size huge/huger.

Don't hide your light under a bushel.

Dancing With The Stars Finale...Thank God It's Over

I'm seriously at a loss over tonights show. I may not be a professional dancer, but I know what I feel. Several times throughout this season, I've felt as if the performers gave me a gift or that I was witnessing living, breathing art, but tonight might as well have been the pilot episode of Dancing with Inanimate Objects. Where was the passion? Where was the drive? Where is my Immodium?

Mel and Max- Loved the Cha Cha. Mel is a beautiful performer and Maksim is hotness personified, but would you like one hit of acid or two when you rewind the tape to watch their freestyle? Everything about it was strange...the singers, Max's white shoes (they were white right? Perhaps it was a visual aura warning me that a migraine was on the way), the expression on their faces. But in the end, they both knew it wasn't up to their standard and I can appreciate that. Overall, they've been consistent performers and everyone is entitled to an 'off' night. And Max is hot.

Marie and Jonathan- Lord have mercy. Whew. I can appreciate that she has a large fan base and hey...that's the beauty of America...you can vote for who you want, but don't insult us or reward those that voted for you by that RIDICULOUS business you tried to pass off as a dance. There is not ONE PERSON on this board who could not have done what she did. I think all the Rag Dolls should unite and demand an apology. She's done very well on several of her dances and I enjoyed watching her, but she is rude, loud, and egotistical. I'm sorry Marie fan's, but placing her WALKING aside, after her behavior tonight with the judges, I wouldn't vote for her if the show was called Dancing With Marie and she was the only contestant. But y'all have at it. And Max is hot.

Helio and Julianne- Technical Schmecnical. Helio may have been clod-hopping all over that dance floor (if one were to believe the judges), but at least he came out awake...I mean fighting. The choreography was difficult, the routines incorprated aspects of what he's learned over the past three months and it engaged me. His dance just may prevent me from waking up in the middle of the night screaming for help because a giant Marie Osmond doll tried to strangle me with suspenders. I wish Julianne would stop with the fantastic body and give us at least a token flaw. And Max is hot.

The Judges- I think Carrie Ann thought she was reprising her role as Fook Mi in Austin Powers and did she seriously call out the Spice Girls? Was she trying to make Ginger Spice go Zig-A-Zig-Ah on her? In all likelihood, at this moment Len is cruising the streets looking for an eight ball because he looked DIS-GUS-TED. Bruno was rather tame tonight, but that's probably because he'd already sat through the rehearsals and had to be revived with smelling salts. But just like the dancing, their comments were inconsistent with the rest of the season.

The good news is... we have tomorrow night.

The bad news is...we have tomorrow night and Marie has lots of relatives.

We should prepare ourselves for the fact that very soon...Donny could be gazing at his reflection in the mirror ball on his sister's shelf.

What If?

Radar Online performed cyber-surgery on a few celebrities and adjusted their 'flaws'. As you can see they gave Kirsten Dunst big lips. I personally think she looks like that cha cha chick whose like 80 now (what is her name?), but at least her fangs aren't as prominent.

If you'd like to see other celebrities...click here.

Child of My Loins

Progeny Two is currently obsessed with two things: Flatulence and expelling the contents the afore mentioned usually suggests is on the way. He answers questions with the word 'farts' and suggest everything contains the ingredient 'doo doo'. It's gotten to the point that I've seriously considered seeing if there is a support group somewhere.

"Hello...My name is Maddie and my son is obsessed with poo."

He has even googled 'crap'. I'm scared to death when I think about what he might have seen.

The other night I was trying to read a book and he was sitting beside me. I wasn't paying a whole lot of attention at the time, but at some point, I was jerked from my vampire romance novel (you don't have to say it...I already know) when I realized I'd heard 'fart' about forty-seven times in the span of sixty seconds.

"Son! I do not want to hear that word come out of your mouth one more time! Do you understand? Not one more time!"

He giggled and got off the couch. I'd just gotten to the part where Natalie just arrived to the conclusion that John is really a vampire and she's repulsed, but secretly intrigued when P2 taps me on the arm and hands me a piece of paper.

Scrawled in big block-letters was: F A R T S

"I didn't tsay ith." He said with the biggest shit-eating grin, if you will forgive the analogy in light of the situation.

It was almost as if he knew he had me. I could hear him in my head saying,"Look, I know you are well within your rights to beat me, but you can't, because technically I didn't disobey you. You can't touch me. "

And what does it say about me, that when he walked off I was beaming, thinking to myself, "My Gosh, it's me at six! He is JUST like me!" instead of being concerned? Does he have any idea how cute it is to hear the word 'farts' when uttered with a lisp?

Have I been too transparent?

Angling To Beat An Ass

Mary Mary (Delgado) feeling quite contrary are we? You may remember her from the Bachelor and like myself, you may have held out hope that Mary and her fishing-fanatic boyfriend former Bachelor Byron Velvick would make it. They still could, but their past will now posses a bloodied nose and a drunk mug shot. Never mind that they were just on TV this week talking about how she now loves to fish because she loves him so much and...excuse me for a sec...I need to hurl in my garbage can. Hey...I've been married for ten years...it's been a while since I've had romance and it doesn't settle well on my stomach these days... (I'm just sayin' honey...)

You know, I love it when stuff like this happens and it's not in Alabama.

Forty-Eight Hours And Counting...

That's how long I've spent trying to find a ballroom gown that I can wear for my Cha Cha.

I've been working my bum off for nine months taking ballroom or 'dancesport' lessons (apparently the pro's get real offended if you call it ballroom) and my first show is in two weeks. I have got a MULTITUDE of people coming to this thing because it's the first time anyone will have really seen me dance (including my husband) and I know they are expecting some sort of kindergarten recital.

I was originally asked to do the Mambo and I've been training about 20 hours a week, thanks to my type A personality. Then they asked me to do a second dance, the Cha Cha, and like the idiot I am, I agreed. I'm trying real hard not to think about the fact that the choreographer lives in Atlanta and wont be here to teach me the routine until the week of the show.

Please pray that my instructor/partner cleans under his fingernails for the event. I have enough to worry about without thinking about the questionable content underneath this lengthy nails as they grasp my hand.

So anyway, I'VE GOT TO FIND A DRESS THAT DOES NOT COST $2200! I have searched under every conceivable phrase that might encompass "Ballroom + Latin + gown" and there is simply nothing out there. It has to meet two requirements: short and sexy. There are a few out there but one, I wouldn't wear them to a cock fight and two, they are in Hong Kong and I doubt they would get here in time.

SIGH...I'm seriously considering taking up recreational drugs.

Conversations With Mother

God love my mother. For all of the things she does that annoy me to no end, she really does love me.

This past Sunday I had to make a little trip to the ER because I was having intense pains in my side that lasted for two days. My honey stayed with the boys so I just drove myself. I went about noon thinking they'd do an ultra-sound, tell me everything was okay, give me some pain pills and send me on my way.

I get called back pretty quick considering I've waited five hours before when my son needed stitches in his face. The doctor came in about thirty minutes after that and poked around on my side and declared he suspected a kidney stone and pain medicine was on the way. In the mean time he would order a CT and we would go from there.

The nurse comes in and starts laying out the stuff for an IV. She tries to do it in my left arm and can't get in the vein. So next she tries my forearm and gets nothing their either. She calls in another nurse who puts one in my hand and the vein blows. Moving on to the other arm and we finally have a line. She's got three ginormous syringes and I ask her about each one just out of natural medical curiosity. First is saline...she's flushing the line...second is Toradol which is an anti-inflammatory (crappiest shot ever) and then the third which should be carried on a gold plated tray. Dilaudid. Allow me to put this wonderful gift to mankind into perspective: this was Elvis' drug of choice.

Come to mama.

So basically I'm out of it. I remember talking to someone in my family, but can't remember who and I remember randomly drunk calling all my friends. At some point the CT happened. Couple hours later, the doctor comes whizzing by my door, turns around and comes back to inform me he's got me some more pain meds on the way. I instantly fell in love and if loving him is wrong I don't want to be right.

Second shot occurs. Doctor comes in and informs me he needs to do another CT but he needs to do it with the dye. I have to drink a gallon of hell, wait two hours, then repeat the CT.

Sure. Whatever. Do what you have to do Doc, but in the meantime I'm going to step outside and smoke.

At least I thought I was until Mr. I couldn't hack it in medical school so I'm Head Nurse of the ER informed me that if I went outside, I would not be allowed back in. Some asshole decided that it was too much of a liability to let patients outside if they've had a narcotic.

Flash forward to 7:00 pm. Add seven hours, five IV's, and not one morsel of food or drink since the night before except the syrup I had to drink, no nicotine and it all equals emotional wreck. I called my mother crying.

"I'm starving to death and they won't let me have anything to eat or drink." I wail.

"Well baby, why don't you just explain that you weren't expecting to be there that long and you didn't eat before you went?" my mother asks.

"Because it won't do any good. I have to take this test. And on top of that, they wont let me go outside and smoke!"

"Why not?"

"I don't know, but I'm about to lose it. At least a cigarette would curb my appetite. "

"Do you have a window in your room?" She asks hopefully.

"Mother, I am not hanging out of a window at a hospital to smoke a cigarette. Aside from the fact that I might blow the hospital up, I would look like a bigger redneck than I already do for smoking."

"Do you think the doctor knows the nurse told you no? Maybe you could ask him?" She insisted.

"Mother, I'm going to hang up with you now because you keep giving me suggestions that really shouldn't require an explanation and it's getting on my nerves." I informed her as nicely as I possibly could considering the circumstances.

"Okay baby, but you tell that doctor you want a cigarette when he walks by and I mean it. I can't stand the thought of you sittin' up there wanting one and them not letting you have it."

Oksana Baiul: A Lesson In Denial

And I'm not taking about her either. I'm talking about me. I refuse to believe that anyone would purposely and in a sober frame of mind choose to adorn themselves in such a manner. She looks like a giant Nexium pill wearing a fur coat. Or a glow in the dark condom (or con-dome if your my mother). For someone who could be accused of wearing a prophylactic, she sure is showing lots of teeth (why I have no idea) and it's because she's either:

a) drunk
b) high
c) excited that her photo is being taken (even though she probably thinks it's because she used to be a famous ice skater and not an atrocity upon fashionable society.)
d) drunk

I wish her people would take this situation in hand and bang her over the head a couple of times like Tonya did to Nancy's knee.

We *whack* do *whack* not *whack* wear *whack* purple *whack* moo-moo's *whack* in *whack* public *whack * unless *whack* your *whack* name * is *whack * Marsha *whack* and *whack* you *whack* are *whack* dragging *whack* your *whack* husband *whack* out *whack* of *whack* a *whack* strip *whack* club.

*Whack*