One Finger Salute

Progeny Two recently discovered 'the bird'. Where I'm not sure but non the less...he found out about it. On a couple of occassions, he would come find me with both guns blazing and ask me if holding your fingers as thus was bad. Both times I told him it was not a nice thing to do and he shouldn't do it and both times he appeared to understand.

I thought the issue was resloved until my best friend sent me some pictures she'd taken. Obviously, we have a little more work to do.

The Buzzards Are Circling

It's almost all over but the late night crying jags and gorging on ice cream and potato chips. Us Weekly reports that Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are asking the judge to grant them a divorce now and they will work out the financial details later. The presiding judge is on vacation until next week, but is expected to sign off on the request and issue the divorce decree immediately and Jessica will be free to wreck her new relationships.

What A Shock...

Guess what busty, haggard, tore down, used to be a sex symbol but now she looks sad, mattress back road whore, blonde got naked for PETA in London? And, if you enlarge the picture, guess what BHTDUTBASSBNSLSMBRW blonde has pimples on her ass?

Moving On

Denise Richards has sold the 7400 square foot house she owned right beside her former best friend Heather Locklear. She has purchased another home in a 'kid friendly' neighborhood in Los Angeles. I'm glad the back stabber is moving on and I wish she would continue moving past the isle in CVS that sells that whoretrocious red lipstick. But I guess if your gonna be a slut, might as well look the part.

Junk In The Trunk

Work it Mena Suvari! I had no idea sister girl had so much going on in the back seat there. She needs to dig a little deeper in her drawers though and find some panties that work better with those work out pants. Panty lines are never ever ever acceptable. Even if your working out.

Oh No She Di'nt!

I'm not a big fan of Rosie Odonnell's because I don't really like her politics but she's beginning to grow on me. I decided I might could put our ideological differences aside when she said Naomi Campbell needed a two hundred pound lesbian ass whuppin and now I think Rosie has sealed our fate. I've decided to give her another shot. When pressed about the brouhaha surrounding Star Jones abrupt announcement and subsequent departure, Rosie said the following:

"Well...you know how I feel about her but I can't really talk about it. But she thinks she's Beyonce."

Fantabulous Blog Of The Day

I wanted to give my girl Pru a little love...be sure and check out her HYSTERICAL blog. You'll be glad you did...

Celebs and stuff

Also, if any of you know of a fantabulous blog that I should feature...let me know.

Good Call

Ensuring that no one would care, Patricia Arquette married long time boyfriend, Thomas Jane, over the weekend, the same weekend Nicole Kidman married Keith Urban. I had no idea Patricia was so media savvy. She knew she would be wearing a HEINOUS dress and thus would not want to attract a lot of media attention (would she have anyway though?). I'm not so distraught over the actual dress but I dry heaved when I saw the head piece. And is she wearing a watch? Does anyone wear a watch with their wedding dress? And could she look more enthusiastic? She looks like she told her husband to swing the carriage by the Colon Cleansing Clinic and let her get a quick fix before proceeding to the reception.

Mommy Dearest

Tori Spelling reportedly found out through a sympathy email from a friend while she was eating that her dad had passed away. She claims her mother never even called her to tell her how close to death her father actually was. Tori was able to mend the rift with her father two weeks before he died and in the last conversation they had he told her "I love you babe." Tori has had a long standing feud with her mother due to allegations of infidelity on her mother's part and making fun of her mother on her show, So NoTORIus didn't help matters. Us Weekly has the full details on Tori's jacked up Ebay addicted mother.

The Wigs Are Off

Unless you've been under a rock the past twenty four hours, you know that it's getting ugly over at ABC and The View. Star Jones abruptly announced her departure then told People she felt like she'd been fired which prompted Babwa Walters to invite her to never come back which Walters acknowledged on the show today. The reason for Star's contract not being renewed is said to relate to the freebies she demanded for her wedding (which the other hosts found embarrassing) and the fact that her ratings continued to decline.

But the positive news is that now Star has more time to focus on denying the fact that she had gastric bypass surgery and being a good 'beard' to her gay husband Al.

Been There Done That

Britney...I know you were really young when Demi posed nude and pregnant on the cover of Vanity Fair but this is tired girl. You see the teaser on the cover of the magazine that says "487 Best New Ideas" well, yours wasn't one of them.

The photographers were said to be HORRIFED when Britney walked in for this shoot. She had removed her extentions in response to the outcry over her rat's nest she wore for the infamous Matt Lauer interview. She chopped her hair off and dyed it black. The stylist's for the shoot toned the color to a soft brunette and added extensions which is obvioulsy just what she needs...more extentions. In the words of my dear departed grandmother...her hair looks has if cat's have been sucking on it.

Load Up

President George W. Bush will be taking Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi to see the home of rock and roll legend Elvis Presley. The Prime Minister is said to be obsessed with the king and W is taking him as a favor. Not only does Koizumi share the same birthday as Presley but the prime minister also serenaded Bush with the 1956 Elvis hit "I want you, I need you, I love you" on his birthday last year.

Shut The Duff Up

Hillary Duff was recently quoted as saying the following in response to The New York Times movie critic Stephen Holden's poor reviews of her upcoming movie Elle:

"He dosen't really fit the demographic. So I could really careless. Look at where I am and look at where he is-sorry!"

Yes, Hillary. Let's talk about where you are. That would be 'nowhere' that anyone actually cares about. Your only claim to fame is that you got into a fight with a famous person named Lindsey Lohan and you got new teeth that make you look like a horse. We're all green with envy.

And just so you know, I know your name is only spelled with one L and not two. But I only reserve correct spelling for actual famous people.

She's Done

Can it really be a nipple slip if your nipple is underneath your chin? Wouldn't it be a chipple slip?

Ski's

Nicole Ritchie appears to be gaining a little weight. Good for her! She needs to continue eating well and flesh up her chest a bit. I can still see her bones.

Now, does it appear to anyone else that Nicole has really long feet? I'm hesitant to get on the girl when she's doing so much better but she looks like she wears a size twelve shoe.

Suri Someone Wanted The Pictures?

But alas, no one did. Fox News is reporting that the reason we haven't seen pictures of Suri Cruise is because no one paid enough for the privilege. A photo shoot was offered of the tot to various weekly magazines such as Us, People and In Touch. An auction was conducted and less than $3 Million was offered. Tom Cruise felt this was unacceptable and rescinded the offer. And now that Suri is almost three months old, her price was declined significantly.

"Shiloh Jolie Pitt was the whole deal," said one source. "It will be a long time before we ever see a baby like that again."

In other words, BRITNEY...don't expect enough money to replenish your flip flop collection for your latest creation. Sorry. Sucks to be you.

Freud Jr.

Progeny One has a camping trip coming up that he had to get a physcial for. So I loaded up the boys and took him to the doctor yesterday. As we were waiting in the examination room, Progeny One was laying on the table (crinkling the paper so much I tought I was going to need a Xanax I might add) and looks at me and asks:

"Soooo....when am I going to start therapy?'

"Therapy? For what? What kind of therapy?" I responded, totally perpelexed.

"What do you mean what kind of therapy? The kind where you lay on the couch and talk to people."

I was a little worried. Had I already damaged my child and he was just smart enough to realize it? I thought I had at least five more years. "Do you feel like you need therapy son?"

"Nah...I don't guess so." He replied. A few minutes later, Progeny Two wanted to see what it felt on the examination table. I guess the crinkling paper was like a siren's call to him. After he'd climbed up and laid down, Progeny One pulled up the Doctor's stool beside him and announced P2's therapy session was about to begin.

"So tell me, what are you thinking of right this moment?" he asked his younger brother.

Progeny Two replied, "Cookies!"

P1 turned around and looked at me with a sorrowful look. "He's worse than I thought."

Just Married

I think Nicole looked pretty despite the fact her forehead is rather large in this photo. So I'll give the girl a break (I hope that dress is cream colored) and let her enjoy her happy day.

Congratulations Nicole and Keith!

Truancy

Heather, the reason I'm shaking my head and pointing my finger at you is because if you had been to class the day the What To Do If Your Best Friend Steals The Husband You didn't Really Want Anyway lecture was given, you would have known that in times as these, the object is to try and look better than the other woman. It's instances such as this that make me want to just give. Up. While you are slogging along the beach there, lugging everything from your trunk, your boobs are sagging. Not the epitome of "I Still Got It." 'Cause sister, you don't. What you do have, however, is a hat. A really big hat. A hat so big it sags and points directly to your less than nubile breast and your really nice, but wholly inappropriate for the beach, hand bag. Don't even think about the fact that Denise was tip toeing through the tulips with your husband in Paris wearing a tasteful white bikini with cute matching sarong the week before. I would hate for you to give up the whole "I didn't really want a rock star husband anyway. I wanted a comedian who looks fourteen and the only hair he has on his chest is around his nipples' thing you got going. Shh! It's too late now. The only thing you can do at this point, is to be sure and attend the What To Do When You've Really Fu*ked It Up And Now People Think You Are desperately Trying To Hold On To Your Youth And Now Feel Sorry For You lecture we're having on August 7th.

Refreshments will be served.

Smackdown

Does anyone else think Britney looks like that China chick from wrestling who got beat up by her wrestler boyfriend because they both had roid rage and China grew a penis and then did a sex tape with her boyfriend called A Night In China or something similar and then she went on The Surreal Life and was strung out on drugs the entire time and was crying and that little guy Vern from Austin Powers rode around the apartment on his little scooter naked and then peed while he was on his Rascal in front of everyone and then China french kissed that girl from the Go Go's and did a lap dance on her with her big man arms and legs and she wore a fuzzy pink hat? Anyone?

Look at Sean P...even he looks disgusted.

Crap

People is reporting that recent reports of a 'break up' are false and a 'source' close to the couple insists the pair are still going strong. I am a firm believer that where there's smoke there's fire and I'm not inclined to give up hope yet. I have, however, given up hope that Cameron would gain a hundred pounds and get her overbite fixed.

Get Out!

After spending years with the tool known as Tom Cruise, Nicole has finally found love with Keith Urban. She's so in love that she has requested he sign a pre-nuptial agreement that includes the following:

• $250,000 for every year they are married
• Joint custody of any children they have together but Mr. Urban will be unable to take them out of the country Nicole resides in.
• a 'get out' clause that stipulates Keith gets NOTHING if he abuses any illegal drugs or alcohol.
  

The pair will be married in a Roman Catholic ceremony this weekend which is possible due to the fact that Nicole married Tom Cruise in a Scientology ceremony and thus her first marriage was annulled.

Nicole brings $40 million to the marriage while Keith only brings $5 million (three of which I would be more than happy to take off of his hands).

But if Keith wants to walk away with any money should they in fact separate, he better get a tight reign on all those Botox shots Nicole keeps getting or there may be nothing left.

Guess Who?

Britney Spears unveiled a new do (picture courtesy of Us Weekly). My theory is she got a good gander of her whoretrocious extentions from her interview, had them taken out and her stylist was frigtened and ran away. After she/he came to and was able to compose themselves, they determined that since her hair looked like shit they might as well make it the same color.

Cry Me A River

It's OVA! Justin Timberlake gave Cameron Diaz the boot last week. Perez Hilton reports that Justin had been considering ending things with Cameron for several months and quickly decided it was time to end their three year relationship when Cameron followed him and his buddies to Vegas. She is said to be devastated.

I never really liked her anyway and as much of a Trailer Park Tammy Britney is...I would LOVE for them to get back together. I would even forgive them for wearing matching denim outfits.

Kate Hogworth

I don't know why your bothering to lug that big shopping cart around Kate. It's not as if you are going to convince anyone that you are actually going to eat any thing that's in it. What in the world could you possibly have in it? Rice cakes and lettuce? Perhaps you were a little daring on this trip to the market and purchased some fat free cream cheese?

To read Us Weekly's take on the matter, click here.

%$#%&*$ Mouse

I've had a mouse in my house for a week now. The little bastard has gotten brave (he made himself some oatmeal) so my husband and I put these little sticky mouse pads everywhere. Well, we finally got one. Half of his body was stuck to the pad and he was fighting hard to get away. I enjoyed every little squirm. Hubby goes outside and gets this long ass shovel to remove the trap.

"You have got to be kidding me?" I admonished him. I mean, I wasn't going to touch it but I didn't like seeing my husband unmanned by a rodent.
"I'm not kidding at all. Those suckers have fleas that can jump on you from like ten feet away."

I was dubious of his explanation but whatever...the mouse was gone and I was happy.

Yesterday morning as I came in from enjoying an early morning cup of joe on my back porch, I heard a little squeal. I paused to see if I could hear it again and checked the traps and didn't find anything so I went on about my merry little way. Later that afternoon, I was sitting at my desk (I work out of my home) and I am moving my feet around like crazy, getting up to check this and check that...clueless to everything around me. Progeny One comes in and is playing on the corner of my desk when he drops his toy. He bends down to pick it up and says..."Well we got another mouse and my Mario touched it."

"What?!" I bend down and sure enough. There lays another mouse a millimeter from where my feet were. I was wearing an awesome pair of shoes and I would have been PISSED if they would have touched that thing.

I called hubby at work.

"Did you put one of those rat things under my desk?"
"No."
"Well, we got another one."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Can you come get rid of it?"
"Baby, I'm at work. Can you not do it?"
"Absolutely not!"
Long pause...."I'll be there in a minute."

While I was waiting on him, my business phone rang. I ran and jumped into my chair and answered it. It was my best friend.

"Look, call me back on my home phone. There's a mouse in a sticky trap under my desk and I'm too scared to talk to you on this phone."

She calls back and I give her the run down on the situation.

"Girl," she says, "Those sticky pads are so inhumane. A mouse will knaw it's leg off to get away."
"I don't care."

In the background my housekeeper is babbling about her hatred mice, lizards and frogs to no one in particular. She's petrified of a critter. She once called her husband at work and made him come home because there was a frog on her front porch. I kid you not. So you know she was cutting the buck. Progeny Two is talking about how cute the mouse is and Mrs. E (housekeeper) tells him, "No it is not!" She acted like he cussed her.

"Girl," my friend tries again." Those traps are just so cruel."

"I really don't care. "

"You are not all about Stuart Little are you?" She says.

Long story longer, my little princess...the love of my life who has a smart little red bow in her fur as we speak, Annabelle, was PLAYING with it. She got the trap from behind the fridge (hence the 'squeal' I heard) and DRUG IT ALL AROUND MY HOUSE.

If I don't update my blog for a week or so, it's because I woke up one morning and found Annabelle with a trap and a mouse sitting on my bed.

Yeah, Yeah, I Get It...Real Women Have Curves

Salma...ease up on the Chimalupa's. Your unibrow looked better than this. You better start pushing away from the table before it starts pushing away from you.

Urban Myth

"So Keith and I are getting married this weekend-OH! You scared me! You shouldn't sneak up on me like that. You gave me quite a fright but I must admit, it's times like these my botox injections really come in handy. I mean...I had to exert no energy what so ever to look scared."

Shield My Eyes

Brooke, you had the world by a string. Everyone sympathized with you after Tom Cruise lost his marbles on you and suggested you could not benefit from taking anti depressants for your post partum depression. But you know...I'm beginning to think he's right. You have not benefited from your medication at all and thus have sunk even deeper into your abyss. Shoes? Ah...who needs em? There is nothing like gritty concrete to make one get in touch with her inner cavewoman. Speaking of cavewoman...who beat you over the head with a stick and forced you to wear that WHORETROCIOUS animal print? And if you were NOT bludgeoned perhaps it is time to ask someone to do so now. If for no other reason than to quiet the voices.

Tears of Pride

It's no secret that boys are obsessed with appendages that hang from their bodies and things that exit from them. When Progeny One was younger, we were playing a game and he stopped playing and told me to hang on.

"I gotta go take a dunk," he said hurrying to the bathroom.

"A what?" I asked as he flew past me, his hands covering his butt as if to hold evathang in.

"A dunk," he repeated.

"What in the world is a dunk," I asked in genuine confusion.

"You know...a dunk. I gotta go poo poo."

Ah...a DUMP.

After I got through gagging, I thought it was kind of cute. Since those early, formative years, I have also taught him to say the following...

"I must go negotiate the release of the chocolate hostages"

"I need to go drop the Brown's off"

"I'm touching cloth"

"That one bruised the bowl"

And last but not least, from our dear friend Mike Myers, "I've got a turtle head pokin' out" complete with a thick Irish brogue.

Nice Gut

Aside from the fact that Paris Hilton looks like she just got off of an eating binge that she celebrated at Ryan's Family Steakhouse, I simply cannot support bringing back this particular item from fashion era's gone by. There is nothing flattering about the cut, the neckline, or the belt. The only postive thing I can say about this swimsuit is that you would NEVER have to shave your bikini line again. You could let it get as out of control as you wanted. You could walk around looking like you had Buckwheat in a leglock if you so dared and no one would have to know.

My Knightly In Shining Armor

Keira, Keira, Keira...you saucy wench you. You temptress of the soccer field. Have you no mercy upon the weaker sex? Does your Orlando Bloom look a like boyfriend inspire you to be daring in your wardrobe choices these days? My heart is a flutter as I drink in the sight of your navy blue Dickies and the shoes you robbed from a painter. You are a vision of scrumptiousness swarthed in serviceable blue. Tell the kindergartn child you bribed that shirt off of that she may NOT have it back. It's too delicious for words. I dare not remark upon the belt for it causes my eyes to sting from the tears of rapture. How brilliant! I can never look at belt loops on pants in the same way again. How foolish and what an utter waste of fabric! You've inspired me to have them affixed to all of my shirts. ALL OF THEM!

This Should Make My Husband Happy

He had a fit watching me eat a pickle last night. So this is for you baby.

Pants Of Fury

It's nice to see that some actor's never compromise. This ball of purple fury is Christopher Walken on the set of his new movie Balls Of Fury. What is with the little elfin magic shoes? And does he have any idea that fingernail polish totally clashes with his outfit?

Namibia No No

Contrary to reports circulating the internet today, Britney is NOT looking to recreate the secrecy surrounding the birth of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt born, by having her second child born in Namibia.

"Not true," her publicist in New York asserts but refused to elaborate further on how the report might have originated.

We can all breath a sigh of relief or just go on not really caring in the first place.

Not Worth Much

Why would a hottie like Orlando Bloom be attracted to a thirteen year old girl wanna be like Kate Bosworth? Her legs are so skinny I could pick my teeth with them. She needs to drink a Lardshake.

Jessica Biel Stepped In Poo

Hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahhahah. Wipe it off on a rock girl and keep moving.

Would that not seriously suck though? To be photographed stepping in doggie doo?

All The Leaves Are Brown

And the skies are gray because Britney-Hit-Me-One-More-Time is still strolling around with that greasy, white trash, roaches ridin' around on dunebuggies, gold digging, blood sucking, LOSER. And, evidently...he's 'awesome.'

Holy Britney Spears!

The ex-wife sent this one to me (yes I like her and yes we get along great) so I have no idea how old this is but REGARDLESS it must be commented upon. What in the name of Lycra is going on here? Bodysuit + Kelly Clarkson + visable flesh = NEVER. I give her the fact that she's kicking it a little bit in the see through train wreck but still, I wouldn't wear that to a Stevie Wonder Convention or a cock fight.

My Heartfelt Condolences To Gay Men Everywhere

Guess that whole gay best friend thing is not working out so well is it Jess? Ken Paves made every gay man in America look bad when Jessica was photographed wearing this. That's right...we see you, KEN PAVES, in the background turning your head so that HOPEFULLY you won't be captured but alas...your evil plot was foiled. I don't think homosexuals will be real GLADD when they see this whoreiffic picture. I think the Gay Community should hold a town hall meeting and then Ken should be flogged with this dress.

And what is with the Roman sandals?

Super Horror

Linda Evangelista dared to leave her house wearing this atrociousness. Am I the only one with a sudden urge to run to the nearest craft store and sign up for the class Gold Lame! You Can Do It!? I think she should reevaluate who her friends are because whoever told her that "That looks awesome" probably also told her, "I think you should cut all your hair off!".

Linda there is only one person who could pull this look off and he did it fifty years ago and died while taking a crap on the toilet.

I'm sorry Elvis...I'm just trying to make a point. I still love you though.

She Mad

Maddona has reportedly told Britney that their friendship is ova! Madge is mad because she feels she wasted alot of time and money teaching Britney 'her precious gift' of Kabbalah. She has also demanded that K-Fed's personal fruit bearer return a 12th century Kabbalah text that Britney received as a wedding gift.

If only Madonna would have spent more time teaching Britney 'her precious gift' of offending every religion on the face of the earth, dressing like a slut, oh wait....

Pull My Finger

I could attempt to analyze this picture but I don't think I could say it any better than my seven year old son.

"It looks like she let one rip and it stinks really bad."

Thank God

FINALLY! I don't know what has been wrong with this thing but I am up and running again. Now...let me go find some celebrities that need to be put in their place.

Is That A Tire Iron In Your Hand Sir, or Are You Just Glad To See Me?

According to some study released from somewhere (who really cares where it came from right?) over 16 million people suffer from road rage. Well, I'm one of the 16 million and not afraid to admit it. So if you ever make it to Alabama and find your self on my highway, please refrain from the following:

1. Getting in the right lane and planning to go straight and preventing the other thirty cars behind you from going right on red.
2. Going four in the fast lane.
3. Playing catch up with your buddy in the other lane and slowing down both lanes of traffic.
4. Talking on your cell phone and not paying attention. Yes, I know I talk on my cell phone while driving but I am allowed to.
5. Giving your husband hell while he's driving. I kid you not. I have seen some woman beat the living hell out of her husband's head while he was trying to drive.
6. Singing your song really hard at the red light. I know this does not effect your driving but I get really embarrassed for you and I hate feeling embarrassed.
7. For the love of GOD, stop picking your nose PAP PAW! DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO ROLL IT BETWEEN YOUR FINGERS TOO?
8. Please don't allow your kids to moon your fellow drivers. I speak from experience. While coming home from church one night (dad's a preacher) my brother's decided to display their charms to the motorist's behind them. I tried to get my mother's attention but she got tired of me tugging on her sleeve and saying ,"Mama" so she just yelled at me, "I"M TALKING MADDIE." She wishes she would have stopped talking now...it was a deacon behind us.

So as long as you pay attention to the few things I've outlinedabove, you will most likely never meet my friend Billy Club.

I'm Sure Jennifer Is Ecstatic Right Now

It's a sad day indeed when the baby of your ex looks better than you do (sorry Jen but it's true and stop wearing black all the time please). It's a sad day indeed when a thirty one year old woman (me) is thinking about walking into the plastic surgeon's office and asking for lips just like Shiloh Nouvel's.

According to Bulletproof Bracelets, the Jolie-Pitt pictures cost $4.1 million bucks. Other websites that have posted the picture above have recieved legal notifications to remove the pictures PRONTO. I am so psyched.

Crapper

First of all, I have no idea how I got set up on this thing but what is really puzzling is why naked people are asking to be 'my friend'.

'Steve' from Alabama (whose face is shaded but the sun is shining brightly where the sun normally does not shine) has asked to be my friend. No thanks. I already have two friends who look like serial killers and two is my limit.

There is another couple who as asked to be my friend and they are both naked and in questionable poses. I cannot be their friend for the sheer fact that the girl looks better than I do and the guy reminds me of Pee Wee Herman. Not because of the way he looks either...(remember the movie theater incident? Uh hum.)

What I cannot figure out is how to unfriend them.

Jessica And Her Camel Go Shopping

Okay Jessica...we get it. You have a hoo hoo. What I don't get is why you wear pants shoved so far into your business that you burp denim. I hope you have some Diflucan in that big tote of yours cause you are cruising for a big fat yeast infection. You make me ashamed my Southern Sister...you should know the ten commandments of Southern Fashion. Let me take a moment to remind you of them.

1. Thou shalt not wear a white pump.
2. Thou shalt not wear pants where a visible panty line is apparent.
3. Thou shalt not be a 'fad' victim.
4. Thou shalt not wear white denim
5. Thou shalt not befriend those who would encourage us to wear white denim.
6. Thou shalt not been seen publicly with even a hint of hoof present.
7. Thou shalt not over accessorize.
8. Thou shalt not wear horizontal stripes
9. Wear unto others as you would have them wear unto you.
10. Thou shalt covet thy neighbors Louis Vuitton bag.

See Jess...there it is in black and white. No excuses missy. No excuses.

Out Of The Mouths Of Husbands

When Progeny One was about two and just beginning to speak in complete sentences, he came to me and asked me why his baby cousin didn't have a 'pee pee'.

"Well," I began, "Your cousin is a little girl and little girls are made differently than little boys."

"Is daddy a boy?" He asked.

"He sure is," I assured him. Hubby was in the kitchen cooking when I heard him yell into the den:

"Daddy is BIG boy cause daddy has a BIG pee pee," said the man who gave my child half of his DNA.

"Your going to regret that," I yelled at him trying to raise my voice above his hysterical laughter. About forty five minutes later as we sat down to eat, the phone rang and it was my mother. We chatted for a few minutes while Progeny One begged to speak with 'mam maw'. I handed him the phone.

"Hey Mam Maw!" He said excitedly. "Guess what? My daddy has a BIG pee pee!"

From five feet away I hear my mother exclaim "LORD GOD!" I grabbed the phone from P1.
My mother was still screaming into the phone. "I'm not taking that baby to church for six months! He's liable to get up to sing with the other children and get a hold of that microphone and tell every church member we got all about his daddy and his pee pee. I cannot talk right now. I am going to lay down."

Click.

The Countdown Begins

I'll have lots of posts for you this afternoon so be sure and check back later this afternoon. There is entirely too much going on with Ms. Spears and I can't take it any longer.