Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Shotgun On The Short Bus
Ladies and gentlemen..."Your Body Is A Wonderland" artist, John Mayer who is now dating...Jessica Simpson. Sources claim she's never been 'happier'. Now, I'm not saying that John is ugly, but I have no problem what so ever saying I wouldn't let him escort me to a dog fight.
75,000
Stars may be blind but they sure ain't deaf. Paris Hilton, despite her self-cry inducing record, has sold only a mere 75,000 copies in the U.S. If you need that put into perspective for you, Nick Lachey's first solo recored, entitled SoulO (gag) sold 80,000. Maybe she should change her boasting from she's an 'iconic' blonde to she's a 'colonic' blonde.
Psst...
Christina...when you go to a costume party, the purpose is to dress up in something you don't normaly wear. Also, ain't no other man got club feet like your hubby either.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

I'm Sorry

My lovlies...please forgive my absence. I have been %$#&%$%$ crazy at work and other stuff and I've pretty much had the worst week of my life but I have missed you all! Please bear with me...as soon as I get through with the laundry (my housekeeper is off for God knows how long and I am getting in touch with my inner domestic diva. I hate her (my domestic diva...not my housekeeper). I've missed you all but I simply haven't had time to watch Flava Of Love let alone update my blog.
So check back in an hour or so...and I'll be my beautifully bitchy self once again.

Friday, August 25, 2006

J. What?
The Atlanta Journal Constitution is reporting that some little boy singer Jesse McCartney or something like that, accidently spilled the beans about why J.Lo is no longer working on the movie Dallas. When asked by a Star 94 jock if Jesse's girlfriend, Katie Cassidy(yes, it's David Cassidy's daughter) knew the details on why J. Lo was fired he responded, "She didn't get fired. She's pregnant." He then had what witnesses call a major "Uh oh" moment. He was later heard asking his handler "Was I not supposed to say anything?"

Ironically, the name of Jesse's single is "Right where you want me" and I have a feeling it's going to be attached to Jennifer Lopez's boot.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

I Wanna Dance With Somebody
If you needed further proof that Osama Bin Laden is crazy, Page Six is reporting that the terrorist is not only obsessed with blowing up the United States, but he is also infatuated with Whitney Houston. So much so, that he even contemplated taking a hit out on her husband. Kola Boof, one of Bin Laden's former sex slaves, asserts that 'although he claimed her music was evil, he spoke of someday spending vast amounts of money to go to America and arrange a meeting'. He spoke of breaking his 'color rule' and making her 'one of his wives'.

Maybe Whitney should at least toss the idea around. Bin Laden has enough money to keep her in crack for years.
It's Ova
Paramount has severed ties with Tom Cruise and calls his behavior 'unacceptable'. Cruise has stared in over 27 films with an average box office draw of $99 million each. He received $75 million for his role in Mission Impossible 3 and his behavior prior to the film has been blamed for the films perceived flop despite the film grossing $395 million worldwide.

Batten down the hatches folks...Xenu is pissed.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Gayer Than The Gayest of Gay
Lance Bass is obviously feeling footloose and fancy free since he admitted to being a homosexual (good for him...although we already knew it). He also claimed to be a 'straight acting gay guy'.

I don't think so.
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
Us is reporting that Madonna and Guy Ritchie tried to rid the world of Nuclear waste by offering "magic" Kabbalah elixer to British Authorties.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHA.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Pick up your toys

WOULD DIE....

Monday, August 21, 2006

Calgon Take Me Away
Nelly Furtado gives the co-HO of the Teen Choice Awards, Jessica Simpson a big hug. I wonder if those wayward stripes made Jessica dizzy? Because after studying Nelly's dress for a few minutes, trying to decide where I should start, I had a seizure. See...the general rule is you wear vertical stripes because they make you appear slimmer. I guess Nelly couldn't make up her mind and decided to go all out and wear stripes of every imaginable degree. I'm torn between prison wear and the movie Bettle Juice. I literally want to stab myself in the eyes with a very blunt object.
Do Her Heels Get Stuck In That Grate?
I hate to get on Kylie Minogue...God knows I do. She's been through enough. First she survives Breast Cancer and then her boyfriend, Oliver Martinez of three years, is caught with another woman. I tried to keep my comments on this outfit to my self but found that like a volcano, I was going to erupt. What the locomotive is going on here? Kylie looks like she stole that outfit off of a hobo that rides the rails. First, her white boots aren't really boots. Their booties. And their the same color of her legs. Her dress is so shapeless it looks like a garbage bag from the Glad Jungle Print collection. Kylie this dress screams "Help me!" and I think it's time you stop being a victim and start acting like a survivor.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Friendly Advice Part Deux
I've stated this before and I would like to do so again. I am all about women looking healthy and having curves and eating more than an apple wedge a day. I think society puts too much pressure on young girls to be thin.

However, one with saddle bags (*cough Claire Daines cough cough*) should not wear polyesterish brown pants that enhance said luggage. I've seen some saddle bags in my day, heck I've got some myself, but LORD GOD. WHAT DOES SHE HAVE IN THOSE THINGS? ARE THEY MOVING? IS ALL OF THEIR STUFF IN HER BROWN PANTS? WHO TOLD HER THAT SHIRT MATCHED THOSE NON-FLATTERING, HEINOUS BROWN PANTS? WHY IS SHE CARRYING A WAL-MART BAG? AND WHAT CRITTER CRAWLED UP ON BILLY'S TOP LIP AND DIED? Make no mistake...the moral of this story is not about having saddle bags. It's about draping them in BROWN POLYESTER PANTS.

In all reality, her saddle bags probably aren't that bad. It was just probably a bad angle. But this picture bolsters my argument that you should pose in various positions, and role play if need be, in front of your full length mirror before you leave the house to ensure this kind of thing never happens.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Friendly Advice
Rihanna, artist of such songs as S.O.S and Unfaithful (hate that song) is seen here frolicking on the beach. I just wanted to help her out with a little something for next time: psst...remove the tag from your swimsuit next time you wear it.

Another little tidbit of juicy gossip about Rihanna...Beyonce's new song is supposidly directed at Rihanna who has made no secret she's after Jay Z. Beyonce would stomp a mudhole in her ass.
Burqa's Are Underrated
Muslims are a little ticked off at Kate Moss. A big poster of the model is positioned right in front of a mosque in New York. Calvin Klein's latest ad campaign features Moss in various topless poses, including one in which she is holding a shirtless hunk. Devout Muslims must pass the billboard at least five times a day as they make their way to the Madina Masjid Mosque to pray.

I wonder how they will react when the Kate Moss "Cozy With Cocaine" ad is unveiled.
Big Sister
In an effort to win the PR war with her soon to be ex husband, Paul McCartney, Heather Mills is filming the break-up of her marriage. The Daily Mail is reporting the former model and porn star is filming a daily video diary in an effort to gain the public's sympathy. Mill's rep insists that they are only getting evidence against the photog's who are harassing her. Although she claims she isn't a gold digga, Mills has refused Paul's offer of 30 million pounds and a quickie divorce.

If she really wants to gain the public's sympathy, I think she should stage her walking down the street and falling because her fake leg fell off. That would make me feel sorry for her.
Hail Canada

Toronto is known for many things and will now be known for one more. The first ever Condom Fashion show. Franck DeRose is the executive director of The Condom Project whose aim is to get people comfortable with condoms. In order to do that, the project encourages people to make their own condom art pin. DeRose thinks that creating wearable art out of condoms attracts people who don't normally wear prophylactics (and who would that be?). Almost 400,000 condoms have been decorated and turned into broaches, pins etc.

You must admit, the dress is kinda cute.

If you have an idea for a condom pin, send me a pic and we'll post it. Just please make sure it hasn't been used.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Color Blind
Now...is it just me or is Val Kilmer wearing a navy blue Crock on one foot and a black Crock on the other?
Killer?

Did he do it?
Know It All
Justin Timberlake has graced us with his omnipotence and suggested that 'Taylor Hicks can't sing'. Timberlake told the Fashion Rocks magazine that 'people thinks he looks so normal and he's so sweet and he's so earnest but he can't carry a tune in a bucket". Timberlake also offered his advice on the future of Hick's career. "If he has any skeleton's in his closet whatsoever, if God forbid he's gay, all those people who voted for him in Mississippi are going to be like 'oh my God! I voted for a queer!' ". I love the way people catagorize all people from the South this way. I guess Justin forgot he's from Tennessee and most of the residents in his home state have three teeth. One in their mouth and two in their pocket.

Later, Timberlake told a reporter at the Washington Post that his above comments were taken completely out of context and that he only 'wishes the guy well'.

I'm so glad Justin offered us insight into his mind. He is, after all, the man who chose to wear matching denim outfits with Britney Spears and allowed his hair to resemble a Brillo pad and lest we forget, decided to date Cameron Diaz.

I find it highly distasteful when entertainers criticize other entertainers. What say you?
Deja Don't
MSN is reporting that Britney Spears wants to renew her vows to her leech Kevin Federline. After surviving a couple of 'rough patches', Britney is said to want to put a fresh face on their train wreck after the birth of their second child. She just wants to show the world she is happily married, despite visiting a divorce lawyer, and continue to make us miserable all over again.

It was also revealed earlier this week, that the more children K-Sperm has with Britney, the more money he will receive when they divorce.
Celebrity Daily Double
Hailey Duff, the sister of Hilary Duff, reminds me of...


Witch Hazel. Remember her? Hailey's nose sends me back to the days of yore when I would come home from school every day after the half mile trek from the bus stop to my house. I would arrive home precisely each day at 3:05. I would watch Looney Toons until 4:00 before moving on to Alice and then Good Times. The house was mine until 5:15 each day and it was pure bliss. But back to my Witch Hazel story...remember how she would chase after Bug's and her bobby pin's would go flying everywhere? I loved that cartoon.

Life Is So Unfair
J. Lo is probably wiping her tears with her one million dollar ass insurance policy because I think Jessica Biel is giving her a run for her money. I shudder to think of all the dirty things men and young pubescent boys have done while looking at pictures of her ass. I would be please with a fourth of what she has. I'm a petite woman so I got the shaft in the butt department. My ass is the size of a walnut.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Nobody Loves Brad
Everybody Loves Raymond star Brad Garrett and his wife Jill Diven are ending their seven year marriage. Irrconcilibe Differences is being blamed on the split and Diven is asking for spousal support. Gold Digga.

I thought he was openly gay? How did I get that wrong?
Uh Ohhhhhhh

Us Weekly is reporting that the reason for the split between Kate Hudson and her facially deficient husband, was that Ms. Thang was having an affair with Owen Wilson. A source close the the situation claims that this is not just 'a thing'. The unnamed source also claims the two shacked up in a hotel room during much of the You, Me and Dupree filming. And oddly enough, Kate's rep refused to deny the allegations.

I think Kate has some insecurity issues. Does she purposely date men who are inferior in the looks department? I know that's ugly but seriously. I think Owen would admit he is not that hot.
Remember
Twenty-nine years ago today, Elvis left the building forever. His fingerprint remains on music to this day. No one has ever had as much influence over American culture as this poor boy from Tupelo, Mississippi. In the words of the great John Lennon, "Before Elvis...there was nothing."

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Nutrition 101
Victoria Beckham and her husband, Becks, are reportedly expecting their fourth child. Vicki (I bet she hates that name) is said to be concerned about not gaining enough weight to sustain a healthy pregnancy and is said to be upping her daily caloric intake from 4 calories per day to 8.

We get it okay? You're Fertile Myrtle. Now go eat a hamburger.
The Notebook
Ever see that movie? It was great right? Well guess what Ryan? I have a notebook too. It's divided into several chapters and chapter two is entitled "Never Wear A Pseudo Tuxedo Shirt With Grey Slacks". How do you expect to continue deepening the relationship with your Notebook co-star, Rachel McAdams if you show up at event wearing this get up? Do you honestly think any woman wants to share bodily fluids with a man who wears a T-uxedo? WITH GRAY PANTS?

Looks to me like someone has been raiding the clothing bins on the side of the road.
It's All Elementary My Dear

This is what Rachel Bilson's red shirt says:

"Okay class...today we are going to glue macaroni noodles to paper plates and make smiley faces! And then we are going to make homemade musical instruments for you to take home and annoy your parent's! Johnny...quit poking Sara with your pencil or I'm going to move your desk to the front of the room. First, I want you to take out a clean piece of paper and tell me what you did when you got home from school yesterday. Make sure you form your letters correctly! Johnny! I'm not going to tell you again! Keep your hands to yourself!"

Source
Jealousy
My husband has been blogging for four days and already another blogger has featured his blog. I'm not bitter or anything, it's fine that no one has written about my blog. No, really. I'm just going to call my friend in Las Vegas who specializes in voo doo dolls and make sure that MJ has an interesting day.

Click here to read Mj's hysterical write up at the Infomaniac.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Please Quit Your Day Job

Girl cannot dance...
Baby Get Your Back Back
Somewhere between restaurants, Jessica Simpson seems to have misplaced her buttocks. What happened to working it in the Daisy Dukes? What happened to the blah-dow? Now, it's just blah. Where did all the junk in her trunk go? All she's got back there is a paper cup and an empty Coke can. Jessica looks like she could do an endorsement for the Mom's Line of Lee Jeans.

Were we deceived during the filming of the Dukes of Hazzard? Was her gadunkadunk merely a trick of the light or perhaps a padded panty?

Source
Ova
Kate Hudson and her long haired hubby, former Black Crowe's frontman, Chris Robinson are kaput after six years of marriage and five years of denial.

I hate to get on what the good Lord hath made, but Chris was sho nuff facially challenged.
Tom and Katie: Real Life Xenu's
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes came to the aid of a couple who had been involved in an automobile accident on LA's 101 Freeway Saturday night. Tom Kat made sure the victim's did not require medical attention then waited with them until the police and fire departments arrived on the scene.

Tom "Tiny Pants Man" Cruise offered to audit the pair on his travel e-meter, an instrument favored by Scientologists, while they waited. Okay, not really but I'm sure he thought about it.

In other news, rumors abound that the unwed couple are working on baby number two and that Katie could in fact already be pregnant.
Guess The Ho's

Both have blonde hair and best selling sex tapes. Both have seen more traffic than the Audubon and both are most likely carriers of numerous sexually transmitted diseases. Neither have contributed much to society and one sings really bad and I wish she would go away.

Can you guess the ho's?

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Puddin'
Good news is that Gwen is returning to the studio's to work on a new record. The bad news is she went wearing this outfit. Is there some undiscovered hormone in previously pregnant women that causes them to dress like a blue light special at K-Mart?
UPDATE: Pink Pees In Public

Don't Forget To Wipe Off Your Ankles

Guess which bundle of celebrity class decided to relieve herself in public at the beach?

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Martial Law
Sigh...Jude...no....just... no. When this picture was first visited upon my poor defenseless eyes, they stung a bit, but after I came to they didn't hurt anymore. I use to think you were the cutest thing but I'm afraid the pseudo tuxedo pants you're wearing have forced me to revisit my initial impression. If this is merely ignorance on your part, then please forgive me, but men don't really wear tummy shirts especially in conjunction with wife-beater sleeves. It's just a thing I guess. And also, men (or anyone for that matter) don't really wear white pleather belts in tight jeans with a Husky racing stripe down the side either. Your poo brown dress shoes are a little much as well, I'm afraid. Usually a good rule of thumb is to ask yourself if you would wear them to a dog fight. If the answer is no, then you probably shouldn't wear them ever.

The newspaper was a nice trick though. I assume you are trying to convince us that you read some in addition to swinging. It works.
Little Less Luv Please
Paris Hiltons pet monkey, Baby Luv, bit her, resulting in the heiress making a quick trip to the hospital for a tetanus shot. Sadly, Baby Luv may have to be put down from contracting numerous STD's from her owner.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Could She Get A Stretch Mark Please?
Heidi Klum, beautiful bitch that she is, looks perfect in her photo spread for Esquire. Obviously, these photo's were taken before she announced her third pregnancy with hubby Seal. And to add insult to injury Heidi informs us that she doesn't really exercise and eats what ever she wants.

With my first pregnancy, I gained sixty pounds and sat around my house the entire time in a t-shirt and maternity panties due to the fact that I was pregger's during August. My power bill was a quarter of a million dollars that summer because I kept the thermostat on four. I also went NUTS at the Waffle House because they were too busy to fool with take out orders and I wanted mine SMOTHERED AND COVERED DAMN IT!
Need A Favor
My husband has decided to start his own blog which he has aptly called "Billy's Club" in which he gives celebrities a 'good beating'. I've created a monster.

Please take a moment to visit him and welcome him to the blogging community! He's still in the planning stages so be nice!

Braille
Guess the forehead...

UPDATED: Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham

Source
Chokehold
Brooke Hogan, daughter of Hulk Hogan, flashing her Nelly-style grille. That is so wrong, she should have to do time for this crime against fashion. Brooke....you need to actually be a star before you wear them. You have got entirely too much everything going on. Your eyes are too dark, your hair is to blonde, your earrings are too star shaped and your teeth are too bejeweled. And they don't even look good. It looks like you bought them off QVC one night when you couldn't sleep and nothing was on TV. I think you need to go find your father and ask him to do a Piledriver on you to snap you back into reality.

Source
Epiphany
Nice patent leather multi-purpose belt, Paris. It goes so well with your satin shorts and tank top. I think I finally get it. Being a celebrity for no particular reason entitles you to foist your horrid fashion sense upon as at your discretion. It's your duty to remind the little people that only someone with panache could pull off a belt resting comfortably on your ribcage, underneath your hiccuping bosom. Only a celebrity with your stature could pull off pajamas underneath said belt. We need not even try because let's face it, we would just look silly. How dare we even consider the side ponytail with matching headband? People would think we've lost our minds. But not you, oh brave warrior of accessories. We look at you and think, "Why didn't I ever think of that! Dang it!" And the pouch on the side of your belt is utter brilliance. It's small enough to not be intrusive yet big enough to carry your very own copy of your sex tape and a pair of clean panties.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Ghetto Fabulous
Oh no you din't. You better get up out my face with that camera. You tryin' to bust a sista down just cause she has a little hair on her lip but I ain't goin' out like that. You better reconize. I will slap you with both hands okay? I will take my shoe off and beat yo ass from across the street and make you like it. And don't be gettin' on my girl Nicole just cause she likes to do a little binge and purge okay? Ya'll act like ya'll ain't never shoved a toothbrush down yo throat before.
Perez Vs. Tara Reid
Tara Reid cornered famed internet blogger Perez Hilton at a birthday party last night and demanded he stop talking about her. She even went so far as to try and have Perez thrown out of the party before Paris and her ass intervened.

Perez says:

"'I'm the wrong person to fu** with," Tara screamed at us. "Stop talking shit about me."

"It's not even about you," we said, "We've never even met you. It's the concept of you."

"Well. There's a real me here. Stop writing shit about me, " she commanded.

"Um...don't read our website." we told her.

"Stop talking about me!"

"Don't read our website!""

According to Perez, Jenna Jameson and Paris Hilton stood close by in awkward silence while one of Tara's friends quietly came up and suggested she not behave the way she was behaving at a friend's birthday party. Perez told Tara she was dead to him and he would never write about her again. At least long enough for him to get the pictures of him at the party up.
Parazco Muerto
Marc Anthony and his wife Jennifer Lopez on a tour of the nations finest funeral homes. Currently, Marc gets his daily embalming fluid at the Dead Men R Us on Lexington in New York, but recently released a statement through his publicist that he was looking for a new way to look even more dead.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Manpri's
Hello Mr. Secure In Your Manhood Orlando Bloom Lookalike. Nice demin capri's. Why didn't you borrow Keira's belt and wrap it around your chest? Or better yet, why didn't you ask to tote the hand bag? What exactly did Fabio say when you asked if you could mimic his hairstyle?

Why can't you two get it together? One week, Keira is walking around looking like a Claire's Boutique reject and the next you're wearing Petal Pushers.
Fed Ex
Jakie or should I say Jackie...how many times need I remind you that women do not like to see package enhancing anything? Be it spandex or tighty whities, it simply isn't done. Cotton works great as long as it's 'flowy'. But now, if you are trying to impress your fellow male porn stars, then that is a totally different story.

I'm picking up what your throwing down Jackie. You want to scream to all of sundry that you are a virile man...hear you roar. We get it. Now put it away.

Source