Friday, March 30, 2007

Jenna Gets Her Petunia Fixed
Production on the movie "How To Make Love Like A Pornstar" has been derailed by a little surgical procedure gone wrong. Jenna Jameson had some work done on her hoo hoo and is said to be less than pleased with the results. Someone from her camp said, she 'was very unhappy and holed up in her house.' Their choice of words, not mine.

If you, too, need some work done on your See You Next Tuesday, click here.
I Feel Like A Woman
Announcer: Ladies and Gentleman...the moment you've all been waiting for...SHANIA TWAIN!

Crowd roars.

J.Lo: Marc, honey, who did they just introduce?

Marc: Shania Twat or something. Have you seen my plasma?

J.Lo: Who is Shania?

Marc: You know...that woman who wears horrid clothes and sings country songs. I know I left it around here somewhere. It's in a white plastic bag and it's real red. Have you seen it? I've got my IV in and I'm ready to go.

J.Lo: No, I haven't seen it. Why is she here? This is my concert. Why is he introducing her?

Marc: I have no idea, but I really need to find that blood. The sun is coming up in five hours and I've got to get two more bags in before I lay down in my casket.

J.Lo: Could you think about someone besides your self for a moment?! Xenu! You make me loco sometimes. Who the hell is Shania and why is she at my concert?

Chick in a headset : Mrs. Lo...I think he's talking about you. He must have gotten you confused when he saw your outfit.

Marc: See, it's no big deal. Go out there and break a leg...but put some concealer on those bite marks on your neck before you go out there.


'Sligh' of Hand
Chris Sligh wanted to be booted off American Idol. At least that's what he expects us to believe. He stated in a telephone interview that he 'never wanted to win it, and only wanted to make the top ten so he could get on the tour and make the big bucks. He said that is the only reason he didn't quit two weeks ago when the judges lambasted his arrangement of Diana Ross' 'Endless Love'.

Of course you did Chris. Of course you did. It's all about the music man...it's the music. Forget the screaming fans and fame...if they can't appreciate your rendition of Endless Love then you. are. outta. there. Can't say I blame you.

Like most of America, I personally hoped that Sanjaya (in my mind I call him 'Vanjaya as in 'vagina') would get the boot, especially since the Hula Master has been telling people HE IS GOING TO WIN, but Sligh made the cut.
Free Bird
Forgive my sacrilege for using a Lyynard Skyynard song as my title for a Britney Spears post, but once the pain in your side goes away, it's quite appropriate.

Britney and K-Fed have settled for $1 million dollars, with both sharing custody of the children. The couple reached an agreement after a five our meeting with their lawyers in L.A. Don't think K-Fed didn't try to get more (as in $19 million more)...he did. But Brit's pre-nup was air tight and K-Fed knew it was time to cut rope.

If you'll notice, Brit not only appears to have left her drug addiction at Promises Rehab, but she also left her double chin. It's reported she dropped ten pounds during her stay, despite the cases of Coke she was drinking each day.

One thing I've wondered though, is this: They have rehab for alcohol, drugs, bad behavior...but why has no one created a fashion rehab? Seriously Brit, why are you wearing a throw pillow on your head? And could you please share with the rest of us where you got the Bedazzler for your hat?

Oh, before I forget...your great-grandmother called, she wants her shawl back.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Bludgeon Me

Would someone please take a 2 x 4 and repeatedly beat me in the head until I pass out? Make sure I don't return to consciousness until the following things happen:

1. Lindsey Lohan's petunia goes back into hiding.

Has she not got the message yet? We. Do. Not. Want. To. See. Your. Snaggle. Ever. Again. It. Looks. Gross. And. Worn. Slap. Out.

2. Panty hose are once again collecting dust in the plastic eggs at the supermarket.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Conversations With Mother
My mother is a big woman. In Starbucks terminology, she would be considered 'grande'. So, after years of ignoring my pleas, she finally went on a diet one week ago. She is following a protein modified fasting diet that usually results in rapid weight loss. She's stuck to it and I'm very proud of her, but...

She has become Satan incarnate.

Today I get a phone call from my edgy mother. The conversation is as follows:

Moi: "Hello?"

Mom:"First of all, before I tell you this, let me just say, I know I was wrong."

Moi: "What's going on?"

Mom: "Well, I think this diet has got me all messed up, because I am ill as a hornet. Today, as I was leaving the dollar store, I saw this truck coming down the street really fast, but I backed out of my parking space anyway, and I know I shouldn't have done it, but I did. Well, anyway, he gets right up on my bumper and stays that way until we get to the red light, where he is still just sitting right on top of me. So, I get out of the car-"

Moi: "Mother! Don't ever do that! People get shot for less than what you did. That was crazy!"

Mom: "I know it, but now listen...so I walk up to his truck and I say to him, 'Back off!' and I pointed down at the ground with my finger to show him I meant business, and do you know what he told me?"

Moi: "No telling..."

Mom: "He told me to get in my fucking car. "

Moi: smothered laughter

Mom: "I told him that he was NOT going to talk to me that way, because I was a Christian and I didn't talk that way and I didn't deserve to be spoken to that way either. So then he says, 'I'm sorry mam...get the hell back into your car' and I just went off."

Moi: "What did you say?"

Mom: "I told him he needed Jesus!"

Moi: "Mother...you're acting like a maniac and you tell him he needs Jesus?"

Mom: "I sure did! I told him he also needed salvation!"

Moi: "Do you know what you need mother? A cookie. "
More Than A Handful Is A Waste
The Sun
Have you ever been felt up by the future King of England?

I didn't think so.
Back To Basics
Okay...let's see...we've done the 'I'm innocent but I really want to rub your genie and make it come out of it's bottle' routine, then we did, 'Watch me while I writhe around on this dirrrty floor and make you think dirrrty thoughts about my leather chaps', then we decided to do the 'my look may be pre-world war, but my red lips are fierce' and I thought we had agreed to settle on that one. Then, you pull this...this...'Nothing says sexy like my Top Gun jacket, sheer panty hose and visible bra' two months ahead of schedule. I thought we decided, together, that 'Your blow up doll ain't got nothing on me' was next?
All Shook Up
Do you want to know the real reason why Elvis died? Because, as he was 'making a deposit' on the toilet, he saw a vision...of Linda Thompson...in a white, sheer, peek-a-boo dress...with overly Botoxed features...and it scared him. Real bad.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Am I The Only One Who Doesn't Hate This Guy?

Howard K. Stern was an enabler. He had a penchant for using the video camera at oddly inappropriate times. But was he a murderer? If you listen to Greta Van Sustren or Nancy Grace repeatedly re-word the same question to Dr. Perper over and over again in an effort to find one tiny syllable that might indicate foul play, then yes he was.

First, let me say, Howard K. Stern has many faults. He should have grown a backbone and stood up to Anna Nicole Smith, as opposed to meekly standing by while she shoved pills down her throat. But, I think I understand his position.

I have a friend who is a drug addict. She was in a car accident and got hooked to prescription drugs. Four DUI's later, she still keeps the road hot, despite the fact that she has evaded state prosecution on a technicality. By law, she is a felon and should do jail time.

I had neck surgery and take muscle relaxers and Lortab regularly to manage the pain. I've caught her stealing my badly needed medication.

I caught one of her drugged out friends (that she brought over) with her hand down my purse.

The local manager at Krystal's (oh, the indignity) found her passed out in the drive through and had to retrieve her cell phone and redial the last number to get someone to drive her home.

I offered her a job at my advertising firm and took her with me to a very important meeting so she could get the feel of things. She dug out her fingernail clippers and cut her toenails during the meeting.

She passed out in the only lane in front of City Hall with a half eaten hamburger in her mouth. After a driver got tired of waiting for her to go, she got out to see if everything was okay and promptly called the cops when my friend was startled awake with McDonald's falling out of her cheek.

I know that my friend drives. I know that she should not. She's been in numerous car accidents involving drugs and luckily, has not killed anyone...yet. But if she does, am I culpable? After all, I should call the police and tell them to be on the look out for her and provide them with her tag number. Why don't I?

Because I love her. Each time she tells me that 'this is it' and she's going to be clean, I choose to believe her. I want her to get better so bad, that I fall for her story each and every time. All of our other friends have left and have urged me to do the same, but I keep hoping that one of those times she tells me she's going to get clean, she really will. That's the optimist in me.

Perhaps Howard K. Stern suffers with the same problem that I do.

The media's decision to condemn this man, even before the cause of death was released, is scary. Maybe HKS is a murderer, maybe he did shove that medicine down her throat to keep her manageable...but where's the proof. Not speculation...proof.

Despite her theatrics, I have enjoyed watching Nancy Grace during the coverage of Anna's death, but tonight, she crossed the line. In the segway leading to the discussion, she had 'serious' music and pictures of Anna. She included video of HKS pulling a hair out of ANS mouth, but blurred it to make it look like he was putting something in in her mouth. Nancy's message was clear.

"Whether the evidence supports it, you are guilty. I'll make sure of it."

If I may borrow your own phrase Nancy Grace, and put my own personal spin on it, I find you not in contempt, but contemptable.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

And The Cause Of Death Is...
If one considers the National Enquirer and Star magazines as credible sources, Anna died from an overdose of sleeping medication (commonly referred to as the 'date rape' drug) and a raging blood infection that would have killed her had she not OD. Evidently, she used a dirty needle to inject herself with some form of medication on Monday afternoon, hence the 105 degree temperature on Wednesday.

I have a feeling things are just getting started.
Guess...Hiccup...Who?

Guess who did one too many crack baby vodka shots?

Could It Be...
That I've been spending way too much time with my feet propped up (sans grocery store funk)? Work was crazy for a while, but I found the urge of celebrity criticism impossible to ignore. I tried to block Brit's siren call to return to blogging, but I finally reached my personal boiling point when Britney shaved her head and broke an umbrella. I'm only human and I can only take so much. I knew I had to come back.

Obviously, there is much that has passed that I can never regain (rehab, crotch shots, Anna Nicole, Jessica and John Mayer...I have to stop. It's too painful to go on), but we will forge a new path into the future together.