Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Please Pray
Yesterday my parents watched as their entire lives were consumed by a raging fire. The picture you see here is of me and my mother as we first came on the scene. Pictures, mementos and all the things she held dear has been reduced to nothing but smoldering ash. The brave firefighters fought the blaze for nine hours but sadly, it was already too late when they arrived. My parents, both 60, walked away from their home owning nothing more than the clothes on their backs.

Please pray for my mother. She really needs to be lifted up in your prayers right now.

I bore witness to my childhood home, built by my grandfather, being eaten alive by a greedy and hungry fire. I felt violated, angry and hurt as I watched what was once recognizable become unrecognizable. My heart feels much like the house looks now. Charred and barren.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Papa Needs To Preach
Madonna...forgive me 'Esther' as she likes to be called these days, is at it again. The controversial star chose 'crucifixion' as the way to open her world tour. I think it is really crappy of her to mock other people's religion but expect tolerance for hers. Me thinks this is going to land Madonna in a heap of trouble...not that she'll care. Maybe I'll eat something real funky and then floss my teeth with a Kaballah string (or however you spell it...it's honestly not worth my time to look up) just to see how she likes it.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Fear Me
As we like to say down South, I 'learnt' my seven year old what it means to mess with Mama. This afternoon we engaged in a battle of wills with the Super Soaker Triple Agresssor. I turned a deaf ear when he begged for mercy and continued to pummel him with my forty foot stream of high pressure water. I was relentless as he screamed "Uncle!" over and over again with water streaming down his closed eyes. I hardened my heart against his pitiful plea's for mercy as I backed him into a corner and pumped my trigger for added force. I laughed like a lunatic when I stripped him of his weapon and to add insult to injury,I turned his on weapon on him, emptying it completely before handing it back to him. I lay in wait for him to open his mouth to speak so I could shoot a stream of water directly into his mouth. But then the tables turned. He grabbed my pink Barbie beach towel and threatened to 'wipe' with it before throwing it into the pool.

I've taught you well little grasshopper. I've taught you well.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

That's Gonna Leave A Mark
Howard in Philidelphia is probably not a good having a good day today. You see, his wife got a little miffed at him and ripped his testicles off whilst he slept. Thankfully, the hospital was able to reattach them but Howard has mental scars I'm sure. But despite his tragic circumstances, Howard was able to share with us how it all went down:

"I mean, she just grabbed me all down there and yanking and yanking and tearing me up with those fingernails."

Poor Howard. You can read his full story here.
Mixed Signals
Ah...nothing says 'come and get me' like a dress that opens up to your navel, held together by nothing more than an excuse of a bow and nothing says 'back off sucka' like a denim flap with bolts covering your business. Heather, I don't know if your stylist told you but that dress is DENIM. I said it's DENIM. Okay, I'll say it slower...DDDDEEEENNNNIIIMMM. Your hair looks cute but, you should have saved that dress for the annual convention of the Association of Blind People. Whoreiffic.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Okay...Now I Feel Bad
This was Britney shortly after almost taking a tumble in NYC yesterday. I don't have one thing snarky to say because honestly...this breaks my heart. According to Us Weekly, Britney was crying uncontrollably while trying to grab a bite to eat.

Sorry Brit.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Warm And Fuzzy
Tyra Banks brought her pet ferret with her to an event for CW Television last night and she allowed it to sleep on her top lip the entire night. Sister looks like El DeBarge. Locks Of Love could really use her and she should call them. Quickly. There are about five kids running around right now that she could help.

Side note to Tyra: Sweetie...do you honestly think that when men are sneaking and looking at their wife's Victoria Secret catalog's while they are on the john, they want to close their eyes and picture you looking like Ron Jeremy? I'm just sayin.


And The Winner For Best Parent Of The Year Goes Too...
I don't really have much to say on this picture other than I wish that little orange hat that Sean P. WAS (before his mother almost fell) wearing was a hard hat.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Paris Skankton
Paris honey, the only way you can get rid of crabs is by seeing your Gynocologist and taking a round of antibiotics. Digging for them wont help. It only stirs them up and makes them madder.
Repeat Offender
Jennifer Lopez is obviously trying to expand her fan base by including the geriatric crowd by proudly displaying not only her Latino roots but her gray one's. This is the second time she has been photographed with her gray. The general consensus is that she and her corpseband, Marc Anthony, are expecting a child and thus she is not coloring her hair for fear of harming the baby. Her rep denies it, saying she 'simply hasn't had time'. But let's be honest...how much more can you harm your baby than by allowing Marc Anthony to contribute DNA to it? Seriously.
Ouch! That Smarts
Nick Lachey's much anticipated album, What's Left Of Me, opened up at number two on the Billboard charts selling over 172,000 copies in it's first week. His soon to be ex-wife, Jessica Skankson, only sold 160,000 the first week on her re-issue album In This Skin at the height of her popularity during the whole Newlywed farce.

I mean think about...Nick has sold almost as many records as the number of men Jessica has slept with.
Obviously She Can't Keep A Secret Very Well
Victoria Secret model Eva Herzigova wore this get up to the premier of The Da Vinci Code. Nice shot of your uterus Eva, I've always wondered what yours looked like.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Okay...So Maybe She Really Was Pregnant
Katie Holmes proudly displayed her stretch marks after giving birth to L. Ron Hubbard's, I mean Tom Cruise's love child, Suri Cruise. So, now in addition to seeing her nursing bra we now get to see her battle scars from birth. Now mind you, I am not knocking the stretch marks...I have them myself, but the picture below just goes to show how brainwashed Katie is because had she been in her right mind, she would have never worn pants that allowed her stretch marks to show.

Nicole and Keith Urban: It's Official!

Just Jared is reporting that Nicole admitted the Keith was more than her boyfriend at a gala for UNIFEM (does anyone have any idea what this is?)

While I am happy for the couple, I really, really wish Nicole would get on a plane and fly to Alabama so I could fatten her up. She's cute and all but she looks like a bobble head in the picture. Why don't women understand that men need a little 'cushion for the pushin'. Is that too crude? To go a little further, homegirl needs some 'junk in her trunk'. I'm talking empty-fast-food-container-twelve-empty-coke-cans-twinkie-wrappers junk in her trunk. I bet her butt is the size of a walnut.
It's Ova
The way Denise Richards did her best friend, Heather Locklear tends to bring out the strong, angry black woman in me. So to Denise I say... Richie done dumped yo ass.

Basically, Richie got a little concerned about how THE BACKSTABBING OF HIS SOON TO BE EX WIFE would effect his daughter Ava. When his relationship with Denise became public he just stopped calling her, emailing her...evathang. Honeise is said to be extremely devastated by his refusal to even talk to her. Her neighbors (she lives across the street from Heather, which reminds me of our word for the day: awkward) have blacklisted her and even go so far as to move across the street to avoid talking with her.

Oh, well. Sucks to be her. Homewrecka.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Wonder Bread...I Mean Wonder Woman
For the record, I despise lies, but for the love of all that is holy, someone please look me in the eyes, bald face lie if you have to, and tell me this is not true...

According to The Sun, Britney would love to be in a movie with George Clooney and she would go nude in it if she had to.

"I'd like to do something with George Clooney. He's really cute but don't tell my husband. Yes I would go nude. And I would love to play a super hero. That would be really cool."

Britney, two kids, stretch marks, extra poundage, and a loser husband with off spring all over the United States does not a super hero make. Besides, I think super hero's have to like...bathe and wear shoes and stuff. I don't think they like Cheeto's either.
Fantabulous Blog Of The Day

Celebs and Stuff

Funny funny stuff!
I'm A Skank In A Bottle
Is anyone else surprised that Christina Aguilera has a rather nice body in these pictures she posed for the upcoming issue of GQ? Here it's obvious that she is channeling the famous Marilyn Monroe picture from when Marilyn was actually just plain ole' Norma Jean.

Now, if we could do something about the whoretrocious bright red lipstick Christina has been so fond of lately and also if we could hide the bottle of bleach she insists on putting on her hair.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Conversations With Mother
Moi: "Did you guys have fun in Vegas?"

Mother: "We had a blast! My favorite part was the Celine Dion concert. It was her 500th show and they gave everyone a really neat gift bag."

Moi: "Man..I'm jealous."

Mother: "And they gave away two cars! Do you know if they would have drawn my name, your daddy and I would have won one!"

Uh...yeah...Mom. That's usually how it works.

Try not to think to hard in the future okay?

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Julia Ingles
It's amazing how time flies. It seems like just yesterday, Julia was a young girl riding her beat down scooter through the flat lands of Pennsylvania, as the wind whipped through her head scarf. It seems like just a snippet in time ago, she asked her father to teach her to drive the mules to town as she promised to make sure the reflective triangle was visible at all times.

Sigh...Next thing you know, Julia will be preparing lunch at her one of her children's barn raising.
Heather Skanklear
Look, I know you were done wrong by your girl Denise, but if we are being honest, Richie wasn't really that hot to begin with. I mean he had the whole middle aged spread going and he had a little womb broom facial hair that wasn't really working for him. But alas, love is blind.

I really admire the way you've remained quiet during this entire debacle and that's a good thing because your wardrobe is saying plenty. It says to me, "I have no idea that I look as if I am desperately trying to hold onto my twenties despite the fact that my nails are shredded and bloody because I refuse to let go." Other times, I am reminded of the phrase "If you love something set it free."

Set your youth free, Heather. Set it free.
Brokedown Mountain
You know some pregnant women get that certain 'glow' and their hair gets thick and shiny. Their skin becomes flawless and their nails get long and healthy. They look so cute in their little maternity shirts and they usually have a pleasant, serene look on their face.

This is Maggie Gyllenhal and she has none of those things. She looks like a white Aunt Jemima and I suddenly find myself with an aversion to pancake syrup.
My New Sister Soul Mate
Jewel was recently quoted as saying:

"There was once a girl hitting on my boyfriend...she had just been...saying 'Good thing your girlfriend is here or I would give you a run your money'. It pissed me off three ways from Sunday. I looked up at her and said, 'My hands are small...I know. But they can still choke the f--k out of you if you hit on my boyfriend anymore.'

I am unworthy....I am unworthy....

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Let's Hope She Doesn't Hear A Baby Cry
Tiny Pants Man...would you mind tapping your lady love on the shoulder and letting her know that her nursing bra is showing? And would you also tell her that she is supposed to cover her business back up when she's done? I don't think it's supposed to be...bouncing around like that. Oh! And could you see if Katie has any make up so that she can try and cover up the fact that she has not slept in two weeks because your Attention Deficit Disorder ass won't LET HER STAY AT HOME AND SLEEP? I would tell her myself but I don't want to mess up the whole brainwashing thing you got going on there...
Jessica's New Do(n't)
Skankica Simpson unveiled one of her many whoretrocious wigs that she will soon have on the market for your buying pleasure. First, I wouldn't wear that wig to a cock fight. Second, I wouldn't take that wig if she was giving them away on a dispenser. Third, who told her that top fit?
Wha...
Jennifer Lopez let it all hang out. No I am not talking about her smattering of a cleavage, I am talking about her GRAY ROOTS. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? She has thirty seven homes and a trazillion dollars and a husband skanky enough that she should WANT to get out of the house on a regular basis let alone take the time to get her hair done before allowing someone to take her picture looking like that. Is she trying to make a statement? What could it possibly be? Let me make a few edumacated guesses...

A. She is going to eventually wash that man and that gray out of her hair.
B. ...
C. ...

That's it. I'm done. I can't conceive of a reason good enough.
Work It
Ladies and Gentleman...Britney Spears has taken a bath. And that's not all...she is even...brace yourselves...take a deep breath...steady now...WEARING SHOES. HOLY! I'm so excited I can barely stand it because she has make up on and her hair doesn't look greasy and her face doesn't look crusty and her hair isn't oily enough to replenish the oil fields in Kuwait and she actually has a dress on that isn't whoreiffic. GASP...I'm sorry. I ...it's just...I'm just so excited.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Even The Guy Behind Her Looks Upset
You know how victims of violent crimes feel dirty and have an unnatural desire to clean themselves over and over again? That's how I felt after looking at this get up. Christy Turlington is so gorgeous but if I were attending that event, I would ask her to take off her tie and choke me with it. Then I would ask her to take the heels of those clod hoppers she has on, and grind them into my eye balls. After she had removed my sight, I would ask her to give that shirt back to that poor Jehovah Witness who is somewhere riding his bike from neighborhood to neighborhood passing out pamphlets desperately trying to recall the last place he left his smart but understated button down.
Mission Possible

Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum da dum dum dum dum....

Tom Cruise: Your mission is to take stunning good looks, charm, poise, a phenomenal film career and pair that with your uncanny ability to spout ignorance about everything you know regarding Scientology, psychology and Buffoonolgy and make a $130 million dollar film with a projected $75 million opening weekend only gross $47 million dollars...ten million dollars below worse case scenario figures.

If you choose to accept this mission you will be forced to alienate (ha ha...pun intended) yourself from the entire population in order to preserve mankind.

Da da da da da dum dum dum...

Your career will self destruct in thirty seconds....
Too Much Information

Teri Hatcher of Desperate Houswife fame told MSNBC that she refuses to eat burnt toast and she really loves her nipples. "They're really hot!" she told the reporter. WTF?

Okay first she corners George Clooney (who obviously has commitment issues) and runs her mouth about how he broke her heart blah blah blah. The picture of them together at an Oscar after party looks PAINFUL. Then she tells Oprah that Ryan Seacrest dumped her after the photo of them sucking face was published.

Does she honestly have no idea why she can't get a date?

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Xenu Is Really Pissed Right Now...
Yes folks this is Tom Cruise attempting to get 'jiggy' with it. How can any one individual look so impossibly...white? I mean...he looks like he is having an epileptic seizure. He's even got the black guy, who you know can probably dance under normal circumstances, looking like an idiot too.

L. Ron better hurry up and round all of his alien life forms up before these Thetans have the entire human population looking like asses.
Get Your Tubes Tied Please
First there was a press conference then it was cancelled. Supposedly...it was to tell us that yes, Britney is in fact pregnant (old news) and she is having a girl which is due in October. Not only has our little cup of trailer puddin been busy procreating, but she has also hired a babysitter for HER HUSBAND! Evidently, K-Sperm did not want wifey dear tagging along with him while he promoted the worst album ever made, so she hired ex-CIA officer Richard Somthinganuther to watch over him.

Can you imagne the fashion GET UP she is going to subject that poor child to? How many kids does this make for Kevin now? I mean...he could star in his on Eight is Enough episode.
Buh Bye
Rot in hell.
Nicole Admits She Has A Problem...
I'm sure this was supposed to come as a big 'shocker' to all of us, but Nicole Ritchie has admitted in a 'bombshell' interview with Vanity Fair that she knows she's too thin. While she does not come right out and say she has anorexia, she does say that she knows she isn't well.

Really? Did your ribcage slicing your skin open give you any indication? When you consumed an apple slice a day did you not get tired and think, "self..perhaps I should eat more than ten calories a day." Did the fact that you looked like a fourth grader in your swimsuit give you any hints at all?

Two words. Karen Carpenter.

Eat a Honey Bun Nicole. Please