What A Way With Words

Yesterday my husband took my two children to Sam's Club and Progeny Two asked hubby when he (my son) was going to die.

Hubby: "Well son...you will probably be really old."

Progeny Two: "Really really old?" He asked for clarification.

Just then, an elderly lady passed them with in hearing distance.

Progeny Two: "Man...that lady is fixin' to die any minute!"

United Way Won't Be Able To Help You

You know...some people might assume that a woman who is of small frame (5'2") and weighs approximately less than eight stone, would not be a concern. In most cases, this may prove true unless one of the following things were to happen:

1. You mess with her children
2. You mess with her husband

Well guess what? Someone messed with my husband and I am mighty fired up about it. Forgive me if I revert to redneck lingo as it is difficult for me to retain my tenuous grip on human decency at this point. But let me state as clearly as I possibly can: I will beat a bitch's ass. I may be of short stature but let there be no doubt...you simply do not mess with what is mine.

For example. The stripper who was at my husband's bachelor party who tried to 'bow up' on me? She was face down in the jacuzzi in two seconds flat and while it was only me who had my fist in her face, she repeatedly begged, "Ya'll stop." Now please don't confuse me with a Redneck Rita (see sidebar) but I was pushed beyond my limit. In fact, that incident was the first time I have actually struck another human being in anger. You may be a stripper sweetie but I'm from Coker and I have been known to ooze trailer puddin' on occassion.

Which brings me to today's incident. Some women simply don't understand when a man, a married one at that, is simply being a nice, courteous professional. Some women simply don't understand that when you leave voice mail messages on their phone (whom the husband has encouraged is wife to check as the individual in question has made repeated calls) that state "I really had no purpose for calling...I was just thinking about you," will incite the wife of said husband to violence. But the woman who is calling has no idea that I have seen a picture of her and her hips are the size of a double wide and her hair looks like a Brillo Pad...fried, dyed and laid to the side. While I am certainly no beauty queen, I do not require my own zip code.

So my message to anyone who would dare attempt to mess with my husband...be forewarned because I am nothing if not tenacious and I'm not scared of nutthin'.

Attack Of The Killer Hoof

Guess whose business this is? While she may be considered a fasion icon in some circles, the picture (originally posted on Perez Hilton) of her camel toe looks quite Britneyesq. Okay fine. I'll give you a hint but only one. Jessica Simpson.

Close To Death

Elizabeth Taylor is reportedly close to death due to heart failure. Insiders say she has already planned her funeral and has requested to be buried next to her former husband, Richard Burton. Sources say Liz also plans to leave the bulk of her estate to AIDS Research. Some close to Elizabeth say she has 'simply given up hope.'

My thoughts and prayers are with her and her family during this time.

The Fountain Of Youth Has Obviously Run Dry

I saw this picture on Bulletproof Bracelets and I had to steal it...

Correct me if I'm wrong but, is that a jowl Demi is sporting? Sister looks HAGGARD.

Just A Little Tweak

A friend of mine who is in her final stages of pregnancy, called to update me on her progress. She said that the doctors performed a stress test on the baby because he wasn't moving as much as he should and the doctor's made her drink an entire Dr. Pepper and thankfully the baby started to move. Then we had the following conversation:

Her: "I'm so glad the Dr. Pepper worked because if it didn't the doctor told me I was going to have to do the Nipple test."

Moi: "Nipple test?! What is that?"

Her: "Basically I would have to play with my nipples to try and force a contraction."

Moi: "What are you saying to me? Explain!"

Her: "I would have to lay down on a table under a sheet and play with my nipples. While the nurse watched."

Moi: "Shut up. I'm so upset about this. I'm really sorry about that but I just can't have this conversation with you. I'm too devastated right now."

Her: "I know. Is that not the worst?"

I cannot even imagine what I would do if I were in her situation. I mean...once when I was preggers, the doctor wanted to do an unscheduled 'examination' and I was totally unprepared for it and I refused to let him do it. I told him there was not enough room in his clinic for my less than pristine bikini line, him and his nurse. I looked like Buckwheat in a leg lock.

DHR Better Hire More People

Us weekly is on fire today! It's offical...Brit's pregnant!

Who Needs Enemies?

Us Weekly is reporting that Denise Richards is dating her BEST FRIEND Heather Locklear's soon to be ex-husband, Richie Sambora. Perhaps Heather set them up or perhaps it's a ruse to get Charlie Sheen to lose his mind so she can gain full custody of the kids. But if you are going to stab your best friend/wife in the back, you should at least look moderately decent doing it. They look greasy enough to replenish the oil fields in Iraq.

Lindsey Lohan's "Brief" Stint As A Plumber

This, my friends, is a promo still from Lindsey's hosting gig on Saturday night live last weekend. I ASSume she was trying to poke fun of the fact that she mooned about 3 million kids who were watching the Nick Kid's Awards or whatever it was. Frankly, I really don't care enough to get the title of where ever she was correct.

Is she pointing to the tick/mole on her cheek or what? Is she inviting us to kiss it? Are those jeans really as dark as they appear? Did she get a manicure? Will she ever Just. Go. Away?

Day-No

Beetle Juice! Beetle Juice! Beetle Juice!

That entire ensemble was one thing but posing with that hedgehog just sent me over the edge.

Piece of Shit

I hope he gets everything he wished on Denise Richards. To read the shocking details, click here. This guy is the biggest, nastiest, ugliest SICKO in Hollywood. I hope they cancel his show and he gets an ingrown toenail and develops Irritable Bowl Sydrome and gets herpes and never gets to see his kids again and accidently falls under an on coming 18-Wheeler. This guy is the scum of the earth. I'm sure you'll feel the same way if you read the ENTIRE court order.

Sins Of The Father

I totally stole a picture of someone's grandmother.

When I was sixteen, I was asked to go pick up some corn from my grandmother to store in my mother's freezer. My grandmother already had six freezers crammed full of food from 1957 and thus had run out of room. While visiting, my grandmother began to bemoan my grandfather's failing health. She gave a laundry list of his ailments while I partially listened.

"And you know. Since he had his hernia operation, I haven't been able to have an orGANsim."

I distinctly remember saying "No she did not" to myself. Don't really deserve to have one if you can't even pronounce it. Verbally however, I only said, "Yeah. Hate that for you mamaw. Can I borrow five dollars for gas?"

Those Boots Were Made For Walking

Away from the whoreiffic red scarf and Zebraesk purse. Ladies and Gentlemen...may I introduce you to Theadora Richardson, daughter of Keith Richardson. Her outfit is almost as ugly as her father. Sadly, Theadora suffers from what I like to call Atrociousitis. It starts off as a small infraction...perhaps a hangnail or even an ugly pair of shoes. Then it causes rot in the brain and what you see is likely similar to the above picture. I'm not sure what illness is visited upon her with the striped hose but it is not uncommon to see Atrociousitis explode into the Henious flu. Her face, sadly, is not a result of an illness. It is the byproduct of being bludgeoned with Keith Richardson's sperm while in the womb. Poor mite.

Flesh Of My Flesh

"Son do you know where your daddy's is?" I asked Progeny two.

"He's outside." He replied.

"Well, I've looked outside but I can't find him."

"That's cause you're an idiot." He informed me before walking off.

Let the beating's begin.

Nick Lachey : "Jessica is a slut"

Okay...he really didn't say that but I wish he would have. Perez Hilton is reporting all the juicy details on the tell all interview he gave Us Weekly and Rolling Stone. Some of the highlights are:

1. He does not like Jessica's new boyfriend, her father, Joe Simpson who has his own issues with a mid life crises. Lose the earring Joe.
2. He would marry her all over again.
3. Jessica told him after the American Music Awards that she wanted a divorce. He begged her to sleep on it and she woke up the next morning still wanting out of the marriage. she slept on it alright...that and about four other men allegedly.
4. He begged her to go to counseling. She refused. Sorry Nick...Jessica does not need psycobabble to tell her that there are obviously problems in your marriage. Other men tend to cause a strain.
5. He wishes he would have caught Jessica in bed with another man. He says it would be easier for him to walk away from the marriage instead of suspecting that she cheated.

Team Nick shirts are outselling Team Jessica shirts 20 to 1 at Kitson in L.A. Nick's song, What's Left Of Me, is exploding on the Billboard Charts. In the meantime, Jessica continues flirt outrageously with her co-star while her boyfatherfriend stares at her bountiful bosom and tries to morph Ashlee into a younger Jessica.

Jessica was seen recently wearing Nick's ring again. Reconciliation perhaps? If they do, I'm sure Us Weekly will have Joe on the cover with the headline, "What went wrong?"

Let The Battle For Earth Begin

Yeah...we've all heard the news. After an eleven month pregnancy, Katie Holmes finally gave birth to Tom's baby. Wink wink...nudge nudge.

I have a few questions about the birth, some of which I am sure will never be answered.

1. Did Tom eat the placenta?
2. Did Katie tell him to get the $#@* out of her face?
3. What kind of trauma do Scientologists think will be visited on the baby later in life if Katie tooted while pushing? I mean...what if it was really really loud...especially if no one was talking?
4. Did Katie snap out of her brainwashed haze even for a second?
5. How will she manage to go with out shopping for the next twenty four hours?
6. Did Xenu send a gift? If so...what was it?

I think it is simply too much to ask of one person.

Kevin Federline Actionless Figure

Weird Auctions

K. Sperm actually roused himself from his perpetual slumber to criticize Nick and Jessica for divorcing. He basically said he didn't believe in divorce and would fight to keep his marriage. I am sure being married to a millionaire would encourage one to work 'things out'.

To read the full story, click here.

www.egotastic.com

Unbikiniable

I am all about embracing women and their flaws and not making young girls grow up with distorted views of what they should look like blah blah. Got that out of the way. Shall we begin?

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. Be thankful the American Idol (Go Taylor!) contest is not based on how you look frolicking in them there waves. Just because you can wear a bikini does not always mean you should. There comes a point in every womans life when she reaches an age that she just does not look good in certain things.

Sadly, that time for you has arrived. Four words...TERRY CLOTH COVER UP. They sell them everyday at Target for less than $20 bucks. Run.

Missing

Don't worry...I'm coming back. I have just had entirely too much going on. But I have lots of people to put in their place i.e Tom Cruise. Bear with me...once my mind clears I will be bitchier than ever...which should be in about one hour.

Maddie

Melanie Skankith

Cityrag.com

Lord Jesus. What in the name of all that is holy and pure has happened to this woman? She is looking like a CRIT-TER! She looks like a Harley did doughnuts on her face and put a little skid in for good measure. Run Melanie...run to the dermatologist and get a peel. Tell 'em to take off an extra layer while your at it. Seriously, how old is she? 45? It frightens me to no end. This is a prime example of why I refuse to age gracefully. 'Cause this aint graceful...it's shameful.

www.lestoil.net

Tragic

Star Magazine is reporting that Sean Preston Federline fell from his high chair and fractured his skull. He was not taken to the hospital until SIX DAYS after the accident when it was noticed that the child was sleeping longer than normal. A blood clot was also evident. The next day, the Department of Children and Family Services paid a visit to the Federline home along with the local sheriff.

Now that we have that out of the way...WHAT MOTHER IN THEIR RIGHT MIND LETS THEIR CHILD GO FOR SIX DAYS WITH A SKULL FRACTURE AND A BLOOD CLOT?? If one of my kid's FARTS sound different, I usually call and at least talk to a nurse at their pediatrician's office. What is this woman's problem?? You know...if you want to walk around looking tore up...go right ahead. BUT PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR CHILD. First it was the Child Seat incident and now it's this...I wonder what could possibly be her excuse now.

I bet the person who did that sculpture of that poor baby coming out of her hoo hoo wishes they could sew that thing up.

UPDATE: Entertainment Tonight has confirmed the story. The sheriffs department declined to give a statment regarding their ongoing investigation. Skank.

Southernisims

On occasion it has been prevailed upon me to defend my Southern heritage, which at times, has been made extremely difficult by my Southern brethren. I freely admit that. So I would like to take this opportunity to put to rest and shed light many of the assertions that surround our proud people.

ASSERTION: All persons who live in the South are married to their brother/sister/father/mother/insert close relative here.
FALSE-While I am sure that can be said of some persons residing in the South, we try to cut off the familial connection at first cousins.

ASSERTION: All Southerners live in trailers
TRALSE-I cannot lie and say that we do not have an abundance of 16 x 80's with underpinning and astroturf, but it would be narrow minded to include all of us in this categorization.

ASSERTION: All Southerners have cars on blocks in their front yard.
FALSE- I do concede however, that this could be a false negative as some individuals grass is simply too high to know what they have adorning their lawn.

ASSERTION: All Southerners think tornadoes sound like freight trains.
FALSE: The national media does help to perpetuate this fallacy when they interview individuals who've witnessed nature's wrath while dwelling in a trailer park and have four teeth (two in their mouth and two in their pockets) whilst holding a pig under their arm.

ASSERTION: All Southerners are uneducated.
FALSE-Now this here is just ignernt. I ain't even gone sanctify this comment with a response.

ASSERTION: The prettiest women are in the South.
TRALSE: I must say that Southern women are beautiful, but I think that has a lot to do with the fact that we wont go to a colon cleansing with out doin' it up. But now we have some Trailer Puddin too so that prevents me from declaring this unequivocally correct.

ASSERTION: Southerners talk too slow
TRUE: Yes. Yes we do. But it's the freaking heat people. It's hard to even think when its so humid outside your hair looks like a Brillo pad. Yes, it takes us thirty minutes to ask for a glass of sweet tea but cut us some slack for crying out loud. Oh and by the way...we may talk slow...but we don't hear slow. There is no need to talk R E A L L Y L O U D A N D S U P E R S L O W to make sure we understand you. We ain't ignernt.

ASSERTION: Southerners can't handle the snow
TRUE: This is very true. If the Anti-Christs (plural) who are in cahoots with the grocery stores, I mean meteorologist say we might get an inch of snow...you can kiss that loaf of bread and gallon of milk BUH BYE. Kid got a birthday present you need a battery for? Nuh huh. Not happening if snow is in the forecast.

ASSERTION: Southerners consider football a religion.
TRUE: Roll Tide.

Nicole? Is That You?

Jess...we need to talk. First...I think the most obvious thing we need to dissect is the fact that you are wearing sunglasses so big they have their own moon. Second...I noticed your lip liner looks like it got hung up on an injection site. Might want to have that taken care of. Third...never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever do your mouth like that ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever again. Not even in the privacy of your own home. In the dark. Under the covers. In your sleep.

Never.

Not So Friendly

One day while doing laundry, which is an amazing feat in and of itself, my firstborn approached me and asked me to lay out his pajamas for him. Trying to juggle fifty things at once, I go to his room, pull out a pair with airplanes on them and lay them on his bed. While I am folding clothes, Progeny one, whom I nurtured in my womb and labored sixteen hours to give life to despite the fact that neither of my three epidurals or two nerve blocks worked and without the benefit of Demoral encouragement, approaches me with his hand on his hip.

"Mom...do you need to go to the ear doctor?" he asked with what appeared to be genuine concern.

"No, honey. Why?" I asked as I folded his underwear.

"Cause you obviously didn't hear me when I said I wanted my spider man pajamas," he said, turning on his heel with his hip cocked out.

I could do nothing but stare after him with my mouth agape fighting over the admiration that threatened to consume me.

Dogs Always Return To Their Vomit

Paris Hilton trudging through puke. Poetic justic. For all the barfy details, click here.

Crikey

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have escaped the limelight and are awaiting the birth of their first child together, due May 18th, in Namibian (where ever that is) where wild lions will protect their privacy. What happened to the good old days of when celebrities would just beat the shit out of photographers?

You know what Jennifer? If this doesn't help you move on...nothing will.

Of Course We Take You As A Serious Actress

Jessica Simpson has landed a role in the upcoming movie remake of the popular show Baywatch. She will, of course, play the role made famous by Pamela Anderson. Simpson said a few months back, she was excited about her role in Employee of The Month because it gave her the opportunity to be something other than a 'bimbo'. I'm certain you running down the beach with your lovely lady lumps bouncing up and down will help you achieve that.

An aside here, where was her daddy when this picture was photographed? Hooka.

Cityrag

The End Is Nigh

I'm not Catholic but I feel as if I should do about twenty Hail Mary's just for posting this picture.

Daisy To Jessica Simpson: "Take That Bitch"

Joining the Nick Lachey and America bandwagon, Dasiy, the nasty little dog of Jessica who looks as if it has never had a bath, hair cut, nail clipping, tooth cleaning biscuit or the like, bit her owner in the face which resulted in 'a clean gash' across her eye. Jessica was rushed to the emergency room where she received stitches. She is doing fine and Jessica seems to be okay as well.

Who Needs Friends When You Have Twelve Kids

TMZ.com is reporting that Brad Pitt and George Clooney are at odds with each other over a Las Vegas Casino deal gone bad. Reportedly, Pitt backed out of posh resort Las Ramblas, a $3 billion dollar eleven building complex located on the famous strip, causing the deal to flounder. The relationship between the Oceans Eleven co-stars turned sour when Pitt set his eyes on a similar resort in Palm Springs.

It is rumored that Pitt, a well known follower of architecture, is planning to design his own diaper bag that in addition to baby items, will hold divorce papers, tattoo designs, motorcycle helmets and pilots licenses.

At Least She Got Her Roots Done

Class (klAs) noun. Elegance of style taste and manner. Ex. That young woman has so much class.

Okay...lets face it. We've all done this at some time or another. You're getting your nails done and the drill kicks up a little dust and it makes your nose itch. But I think you would agree that most people are a tad more discreet than this. I mean...Britney is bearing down on it. She looks like a hog nose snake.

Director Wants Paris To Play Mother Teresa...Then He Wants To Go To Hell

An Indian filmmaker says Paris is on the short list of actresses he would like to see play the saintly nun. He says "her features closely resemble that of Mother Teresa's". What's worse, Paris actually agreed to meet with him and a meeting is scheduled for the end of April. Can you imagine what her lines will be like:

"You have leprosy? That's hot."

Fortune Teller

I see...five more husbands. And a dog. I see...cellulite on your buttocks and thighs in a few short years. I see dirty little Marc Anthony's running around with grocery store feet. I see an album...wait...I can hear something...it's a horrible noise...I think it's you singing. I see Gili Two... I see a greasy man with pasty skin...no wait...that's now.

Skankie

If Fergie was naturally this ugly I would never berate her in the fashion that I am going to now. The fact of the matter is, she used to be a stunning woman...and then she got a job at Sonic. What other excuse could she have for wearing this whoreific outfit? And her bangs look like a Pekingese crawled up on her forehead and died. If her eyebrows were anymore arched, they would be on her back. To make matters worse, there is entirely too much gingham going on with this outfit. How did she get Santa Clause's belt? She looks like a cross between a picnic table and my crazy aunt Mavis who thinks she's Steve Perry from Journey and has a lover named Garfield.

Scandalicious

Explosive new details regarding the reason for Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise's divorce are expected to be made public soon as part of the Pellicano investigation. A Sociallites Life is reporting that the FBI has secured tapes of conversations between Ms. Kidman and Tool Cruise where they discuss the details of their split. The facts are said to be so explosive and damaging, that should they be made public, the former power couple could "retreat out of the Hollywood spotlight completely".

My mouth is watering.

There's Always A Solution

Apparently, Naomi Campbell threw her cell phone at her housekeeper because she couldn't find a pair of jeans and the housekeeper needed stitches yada yada yada.

I know I like to poke fun at celebrities but I am sincere when I say this: It is my heartfelt desire that someone beat Naomi's ass. I don't want her maimed or anything...maybe knock a few teeth loose. In the South, we have a saying "(Insert Name) needs to tote an ass whuppin." That would be Naomi. She needs one of those redneck, baby on the hip, clawing, hair pulling, spitting, take your shoe off , limp home, where's my momma, ass beating.

J.Lo Finally Picked A Winner

No thanks honey. Not to sound trite, but not even if you were the last man on earth and owned your own pastry shop. Aside from the fact that you closely resemble a corpse, you weigh five pounds. And you're greasy. And your shoes need a good polish. And you're wearing a button down with what appears to be a sweatshirt. And your fingers look stubby. And you look like you are one breath away from being placed on an embalming table, which, come to think of it, might actually improve your appearance. Shall I continue? Okay. And you cant sing. And you left your wife and children so you could be with J. Lo. And you have scraggy fur on your face. And you're pale. And you're grabbing your crotch. And you're...you.

Buh Bye

Nick Lachey was seen nastying it up on the dance floor with the star of his video What's Left Of Me, Vanessa Minnillo, whom I like for sheer fact that her name very closely resembles Manolo (Blanik). According to People, Nick didn't see anything wrong with a little bump and grind (good song) as he and Vanessa put on quite a show at the W in NYC. One witness reportedly said, "I saw tongues on skin."

Meanwhile, Skankica Simpson, his soon to be ex wife, is still dating her father.

Basic Skankstinct

Nobody, and I mean nobody, went to see Sharon Stone's second installment of Basic Instinct this weekend. Typically, the first weekend is the biggest for box office draw with numbers dropping drastically in the subsequent weeks. Sorry Sharon...I guess no one was interested in seeing your petunia.

Do You Think She Ever Realized?

Notice the chicks helmet...she put it on backwards. It's hard to get upset when men accuse women of being horrible drivers when I see pictures like this.

I Hope She Shaved

Carmen Electra shocked Jay Leno (and Rob Schneider looks bored) as she assumed this 'ladylike pose'. Having recently decided to install a circus ariel hoop in her home so that she may tease her hubby with his own private x-rated show (yeah...Pamela Anderson called...she wants her publicity stunt back), she gave an impromptu demonstration of her circus skills.

A Different Kind Of Electrolyte

Last night, Progeny One comes into my office crying and gagging at the same time. He holds up his small Clifford The Big Red Dog cup.

"Progeny Two peed in my gatorade," He says around a gag.

"No he did not," I said disbelievingly. What is the deal with my child? Last week it was someone's pizza. P-two comes running into the room, his blue eyes enormous and round.

"I sorrwe" he says.

"Why did you pee in your brother's drink? You know what...don't even answer that. Your going to be punished and then your going to bed."

Thirty minutes later, P-two gets out of bed and approaches me.

"Mommy...I need to ask you sumpin."

I nodded my consent.

"I need a match."

I didn't ask even ask what he wanted with a match. I just put him back to bed and hid every thing that could possibly make a flame.

Ode To Lortab

I had a little run in with a kitchen knife on Thursday night and had to go to the ED to get stitches. After waiting FOREVER, I was finally called back and was immediately seen by the doctor.

"Yeah...you're going to need a few stitches. That's a bad place too...it's going to be hard to heal," he stated as he prepared a surgical field to do the stitches.

"Okay, we're going to clean it up for you real good, stitch it and dress it. You'll need to keep the dressing clean and dry for two days then remove the dressing and clean it. You'll need to return in ten days to have the stitches removed," he said in a bored voice, as if he had repeated the same speech hundreds of times.

"I bet its going to hurt tomorrow, " I mused allowed. All I could really think about at this point was the needle they were going to shove into my open wound in order to numb it prior to stitching it.

"I'll give you something for pain, " he said. My ears perked up. I tried to stamp down the excitement that began to bubble in the pit of my stomach. What kind will he give me? I bet it wont be a fun kind...I mean...I'm just getting a few stitches. It's not like I have a major laceration.

"Lortab okay?" He asked as he returned in the room. How should I answer this? If I nod my head too emphatically he'll think I'm a druggie.

"That's fine," I said as demurely as possible. He makes quick work of the stitches, dresses my wound and sends me out with a prescription.

As I am walking back out to my car, I overhear a skank on the phone, crying to whomever she's talking too. "They won't give me nutthin' for pain. I don't know what I'm goin to do."

Because of my good mood, I refrained from telling her that she could ease everyone elses pain by removing her hideous pink hat.