Dear God

To be honest, I'm not sure where to even start. It's so obvious what needs to be discussed so I don't want to insult any one's intelligence.

First, let me point out that Britney Spears looks like she's a beekeeper. That...net...or whatever that crap is bubbling out of her neck in conjunction with that hat makes her look as if she's about to submerse herself into Angry Bee Land. I know she's on her way to dance class, but who dances in Cowboy boots for crying out loud? And I'm not talking about the occasional Electric Slide (shudder) at your local watering hole either.

There is entirely too much black...sheer...some'en going on. Fish net hose, black lace shirt from Express, black sheer shorts. I know she needs clothes that 'breathe' while she dances, but has she ever heard of Under Armour?

I seriously doubt her feet are breathing in those shit kickers either. She is probably all corned and bunioned up. And you just KNOW her feet are grotesque. I bet her polish is chipping off and her heels look like the coral reef.

Lastly, nothing screams devoted mother of two like a red triangle top modestly displayed in public.

Skint Up

I always knew there was a little bit of white trashy-ness in Jessica Sierra, formerly of American Idol fame. She just had that 'look' you know. I see enough white trash around my home state of Alabama to know it when I see it.

Just goes to show that no matter what fancy clothes you put on or how cute your hair is styled...white trash urgings will not be denied.

Over the weekend, Sierra was arrested in Tampa, FL on drug and assault related charges. Had she just been arrested with a little blow in her possession, I would not be so quick to claim WT status, but home girl cracked a man's head open with a glass bottle. Hum hum. My first reaction when this story broke was only a mere lift of my carefully-waxed eyebrows. Jessica has gone from being on American Idol to looking like just another Southern girl getting off the Greyhound bus because she ran away from her redneck boyfriend.

Earth To Fergie

I'm all about working on my fitness, but what is Fergie doing? She looks like...dare I say it aloud...a suicide bomber on her way to blow up Gold's Gym. How many...contraptions...does one need when running? What could she possibly have in that fanny pack? Judging the size of those headphones, it's probably a boom box.

Broadened Horizons

So here I am at 32 and I'm...bored. Bored with everything. Work doesn't challenge me anymore...I could do what I do in my sleep, and I have so much free time on my hands, something I haven't had since I started working at 15 bagging grocery's at Kroger (worst.job.ever).

I decided to take ballroom dance lessons, and so far, I'm loving it, except for one tiny problem: My instructor has fierce body odor. My first lesson was later in the day, so I gave him a break, but my subsequent lessons have been earlier (in fact...I'm his first lesson of the day) and homeboy's pits are kicking it.

Yesterday when I got home, his B.O followed me around all freaking day. I washed my hands raw, I took a shower, I did everything I could think of and I could still smell his nasty ass. HOW CAN ANYONE HAVE RANK PITS THE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING???? I shudder to think of why he, in Southern terms, rurnt.

I had an epiphany when we were getting ready to practice the Tango and he held his hand out and there was dirt in his fingernails: he doesn't bathe. I couldn't even concentrate on 'quick, quick, slow, slow'. He even commented that I seemed pre-occupied and it was on the tip of my tongue to say, "You think? I'm about to faint from taking four tiny breaths per minute."

So what am I to do? Call his boss? I would DIE if he knew it was me. I thought about writing an anonymous letter telling her, but what if he figures it out? I have to do something though...I spend too much money for these lessons to be inhaling noxious fumes the entire time.

If I don't figure out something soon, I'm wearing a Hazmat suit to my next lesson.

Hooked On Phonics

Britney Spears is so upset over her failed relationships, that's she writing a book about it and naming the people who 'done' her wrong. I have, in my possession, a sneak peak of the first chapter:

"Hey Ya'll! I bet ya'll never thought this day would come: the day when my name and 'book' were mentioned in the same sentence! It's a lot harder to write than I thought. I wasn't sure how I should hold the pencil but I made some notes on a paper towel and it's kinda hard to make out some of my scribbling now. You may ask yourself why I'm writing a book. It's for my kid's. I want to leave them this legacy. So if anyone sees them or knows where they are...tell 'em I said that, okay?"

People's Most Beautiful

People Magazine has named Drew Barrymore the most beautiful person in the world. When asked for her reaction, Barrymore responded, "My peacock feathers shine in the golden-hour light and extend to the heavens". Too bad her boobs didn't follow suit. She also suggests that happiness is the key to beauty. "Happy people are like a mirror and they reflect that happiness."

I'm a pretty happy person, so I took Drew's advice and looked in the mirror. I was very disappointed. All I saw was a sheet imprint on my left cheek from sleeping way too hard, mascara smudged under my eyes (I obviously didn't get it all) and an angry zit on my chin.

People's special edition hits stands today.

It's Already Been Brought'ed!

Meow! Fox News is reporting that Reese Witherspoon told Jennifer Aniston to take herself and her chin away from Jake Gyllenhaal and up Brokeback Mountain. Evidently, she's a little upset over the kiss and hug Chinifer and Jake shared at the 18th Annual Gladd Media Awards and feels 'humiliated' by the passionate embrace between the Good Girl co-stars.

Yawn. I honestly don't know what all the fuss is about Jake. The man rode a bicycle with spandex on for God's sake.

American Idol Gives Back

Boy did they. So, there I was, crying over all the suffering in the world, and Ryan Seacrest comes on and begins to introduce Celine Dion (don't hate...I love her) and he said she was traveling back to 1968, the year of her birth, to perform a duet with the world's greatest idol. My mind was racing and I kept saying 'surely not!' over and over again (well, 'over and over again' as many times as you can in three seconds), when my body became one entire chill bump. Celine Dion did a duet with Elvis Presley and it was the most magnificent thing I've ever seen in my life. I made my children get out of bed to come 'witness history'.

I'll have the video posted soon. In the mean time, go here.

*Forgive the big cheesy picture...that's from a year or so ago when I was still in radio and we were giving away a trip to Graceland for Elvis Week. Yes, I was there and yes, I slobbered all over his GOSPEL CD and had impure thoughts. What can I say...I'm human.

Hot Mess

Why do celebrities think they can just roll out of bed, root around on the floor with their arms outstreched and their eyes closed, and walk out of their house wearing something like this?

Every season is being represented here: Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall and the transitional periods in between each one. The only thing worse than high-waisted pants is high-waisted shorts. With Boots. And A Shawl. And a brown and white striped shirt. With another shirt underneath it.

Identifying the Badasseyerectus

Avril Lavigne is such a bad ass. I bet all the girls in school were scared of her. I would have been if I saw her walking toward me 'all bowed' up like that. If you have previously wondered if Avril was a true rebel or just pretending to be one...check out the black shoes and the Bermuda Shorts. In an effort to aide my dear readers in discerning between actual bad-asses and posers, I've elected to break down Lavigne's entire...ahem...ensemble. Let's get started:

1. Eyeliner-One key to identifying the species badasseyerectus is by gazing into the kohl soaked eyes. It's very tricky, but if the eyes can be described as 'pee holes in the snow', chances are...you're looking at the real deal.

2. Sweater-I assume this is some form of knit..it's hard to tell for sure but it appears to be of the woven type. Only a genuine bad ass would wear a sweater snug enough for her to show her cobra-esqe back. It's important to look at the sweater in conjunction with the eyes...the eyes seem to say, "Look...I just got my swole on and this sweater proves it". We're getting closer.

3. Black And White Sash- This particular sash has two functions. The first is, a bad ass would wear a sash that clashed with everything else. That's key. It must clash. Second, at any given moment, the bad ass can rip the sash off and wave it around forcing you into a photosensitive seizure. Badasses are tricky and resourceful. I urge you not to get to close to the sash.

4. Bermuda Shorts- This is probably the most cunning trick of a badass. The bad ass lulls you through her benign hem line. How can she possibly be a bad ass? Her shorts go to her knees? That is your first mistake. Anything that is longer that two-inches above the knee might as well be a poison soaked dagger. Quietly back up and proceed the other way.

And finally...

5. Black Tennis Shoes- If your first thought is: "I would cut my feet off before I ever wore those shoes" you, my friend, are in the presence of a bona fied bad ass. Run. Don't pass go and don't collect $200. An Ass whuppen is imminent.

Saving The World...One Leaf At A Time

As I reflect on the days of my childhood, I can't help but smile. I grew up in the country where you didn't have to worry about getting kidnapped or run over. You could ride your bike for miles and stay gone all day and your parent's didn't care. The breeze teased the trees and the smell of wildflowers and honeysuckle were your constant companions.

But, because you were gone all day, your constitution occassionally revolted and you would find yourself with two options: A) Make a mad dash for home and hope you can make it (my friend S. R never could make it...many a pair of her pants have been ruined), or B) Find a nice quiet spot in the woods and use foliage for toilet paper. I can remember balancing on my legs, frozen with shame and degridation while my own personal sounds of 'nature' mingled with the chattering of some offended squirrel. I would look around to make sure some rogue bear that had just escaped from a traveling zoo didn't crash through the clearing and interrupt me before I could 'bury' the evidence.

If Sheryl Crow has her way, we will all be taking to the outdoors in search of leaves to supplement our measly one-square toilet paper rule. That's right folks. Sheryl Crow wants every one to be limited to one square except for those 'pesky situations that require two or three'. Forgive me...but has there ever been a situation that only required two or three? Has she never eaten at Taco Bell? I'm all about saving Mother Earth, but not at the cost of mistaking poison ivy for an innocuous three-tiered leaf because my measly one-square is not enough insurance against the bean burrito I had the night before. (Yes, I've done that too.)

Before we get crazy and the cost of two-ply goes up to $200 on the black market, why don't we try things like...not having plastic cases for Cd's or not riding around in tour buses.?

I don't care if it is 'bio-diesel' Sheryl...it still emits more fumes than a Corolla.

People, for the sake of our children, our dignity and most of all...our trees, it's imperative that we resist Operation Stingy One Square. How much good will limiting toilet paper really do if the ground is stripped bare and tree's have stopped producing leaves out of protest from the wild-eyed maniacs that feverishly rips her leaves off while clutching one square of t.p?

Madness begets madness.

Forgive Me Lord...I Knew Not What I Did

As I was perusing pictures for my romance novels, I came across this little gem. Me. In White Shoes. I wish I could claim this picture was taken pre-1990, but as you can clearly see, it was taken ten years ago. I will claim extreme mental duress at the time because it was the day before I was getting married and I was obviously out of sorts.

In an earlier post, it was my assertion that no matter how much you paid for a pair of white shoes, they will always look cheap. I stand by that statement.

Remember how Celebrities tried to bring the white shoe back this spring? How long did that last? Five minutes. I was so proud that many of us refused to submit to their evil machinations. Sadly, even me at one point in time was unable to ignore the lure of white pleather.

This picture will be forever branded in my cornea, because I will no longer be able to go to it in a photo album. I'm having a ceremony this afternoon and burning this picture to rid my house of the evil spirit of Pay-Less. Be gone!

Thank God there are no visible scuff marks. I would have taken to my bed for the rest of the day with my trusty bottle of Xanax with in fingertip reach.

Your Eyes Are Like Stars Twinkling Through The Cloud Filled Night And Can I Touch Your Breast?

If you have ever wondered what you would look like on the cover of a romance novel, now is your chance. (That's not me on the cover btw. I'm still looking for a picture.)

Click Here.

I have a list of people who will be getting their own covers sent to them whether they like it or not.

Update: Couldn't find any scandalous pictures of me and hubby (well...I could...but...). There was one of him sitting in his underwear playing spades on the computer that I was tempted to use, but he begged me not to and I am nothing if not benevolent.


I could do this all day.

Flash Dance

Forgive me for stealing this picture off Perez's website, but I was unable to find one that didn't have his scribbling all over it. This post is not about Britney's bald head or the fact that she appears to look sober, it's about Britney's final decent into the world of insanity.

WHO IN GOD'S NAME WEARS LEG WARMERS OVER COWBOY BOOTS? How can you dance in those unless it's to do the Electric Slide? (Man, I wish that dance would die. Go to any club whose patron's are over 30 and they freak out and rush the dance floor every time someone plays it...it's sooo embarrassing. The only thing that could make it worse is if they were wearing soft drink inspired clothing, but I digress).

Yes, Britney you look healthy and not greasy. Yes, you look like you've lost a few pounds. Yes, you look like you are no longer follicly challenged, but you are wearing KNITTED LEG WARMERS OVER COWBOY BOOTS...WITH PANTY HOSE. Isn't that a little redundant?

If I were Britney's...anything, I would take those boots, place them in the middle of an open space and waste two tanks of gas doing dough-nuts on them. It's the least I could do.

Busted

Evidently Larry Birkhead plays for both teams. Can't say I'm surprised. I can't stand people who come out with private information after someone gains notoriety. Obviously it doesn't bother me too much because here's the link to the store.



What DOES surprise me is that Larry is luuvvvvin some Howard K. Stern now. They should start their own sitcom and call it "My Two Dads". Wait...that's already been done.

Waiting On The World To Change

I'm content to wait on the world to change as long as Jessica Simpson would change her sailoresqe "vulva" loving pants. That's just nasty. By all means Jessica...hike 'em up some more. It's not like the button at the waist band isn't chafing your chin.

Also...and I'm trying to think of a delicate way to phrase this...but...is that...sweat?

It's Ova!

Prince William and Kate Middleton have split, sources close to the couple are reporting. The parting was amicable after the couple had reached an impasse. The parting was said to have occurred because of the immense pressure put on the couple and Prince William's obligation to the Army for the next three years.

All I want to know is, what's going to happen to all of those plates that were printed up announcing their engagement?

For the full story, click here.

Let's Get It On

About six months ago, I adopted a cat from my local animal shelter that happens to be a direct descendant of Ernest Hemingway's famous Maine-Coon cat. I had no clue...I took the cat to the vet for her shots and the vet told me he knows this because the cat has six toes on each of it's paws. He called the cat a 'Hemmy cat'. The paws look like little mittens.

And it would appear that I will soon have lots of little Hemmy's. To be honest, I didn't think there were any cats in this neighborhood. I have never seen any, but this afternoon when I came home from work, there were four sitting in my lawn eyeing each other as they waited for my slut of a cat to use the doggy door to to get outside. I tried to shoo them off, but one particularly brave cat looked at me like "Oh heeellll no. I ain't going no where!" and proceeded to walk to my front door and sprawl out on my door mat. Cheeky little devil.

I've heard the mating ritual's of felines are quite...violent. I guess that would explain the bald spot on the top of my cat's head.

Fantabulous Website

Beware...this website is seriously addictive. Find A Celebrity Death takes you through every step that led up to any celebrity death you care to research. He takes you to the road they were killed on, the sidewalk they were shot on, the bench they sat on before they were murdered...really neat stuff. There are a few gory pictures (Chris Farley, Left Eye Lopez, Jayne Mansfield, John Lennon etc.) if you are so inclined. Chris Farley's death pics are especially grotesque so I stopped looking at the actual death pictures. But don't worry...the site is not gross at all. The webmaster gives you plenty of warning before you click on any pics.

I learned that I ate at the same Cheesecake Factory in Chicago that Chris ate his last meal in. That was pretty neat.

The First Cut Is The Deepest

You ain't never lied. Girl...hold up...wait a minute...let me put my scissors in it. That nasty ensemble is beyond every negative connotation I can come up with. The health department needs to SHUT YOU DOWN. Do you want to know why that little flap of material is pointing toward the ground? Cause that's where that entire outfit needs to be buried. Right up under that AstroTurf.

Come To Mama

Brad Pitt is reportedly a little upset with Angelina 'Ho'lie because she doesn't show Shiloh as much attention as she shows her other adopted children. Honey...I could have told you that. Any woman who calls a child a blob is not emotionally attached. The recent pictures floating around of him playing with little Shiloh recently are said to have been taken around the time that Brad WALKED out on Angie because of the rift.

On a side note...I saw Babel last night and have been depressed for most of the day. I thought it was the actual movie until I realized it was the horrendous bags they put under his eyes. Through out the movie, I kept saying to myself, "That is really what he's going to look like in a few years."

So sad.

Bringing Britney Back

I am so freaking excited. Justin Timberlake admitted that he called Britney Spears to wish her well while she recovers from her numerous addictions (drugs, drink, food, sperm, hair clippers etc.). He said he called her because he was concerned and that she's a really good woman. Hm hum. This from the man who wrote TWO songs about her on TWO different albums.

It's all going according to my plan...dump Kevin, get rid of Cameron, announce to the press that you have in fact been in contact, stage a comeback. I just got up from my desk and did a cartwheel.

Mark my words...they WILL get back together. I just peed my pants at the mere thought of it.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

If you were listening very closely on Monday, you could hear hundreds of people whisper "Oh, shit!" when Lin Wood announced he would be representing Howard K. Stern against the media who has systematically destroyed this man. I for one, began rubbing my hands together and licking my chops at the prospect. Greta Van Sustren and Nancy Grace would be on my long list of bitches...I mean reporters who'd be centered in my cross hairs.

When it was only a rumor, Greta tried hard to warn Howard from filing suit against her and other's like her by not so subtlety reminding Stern that he would open himself up to depositions and questioning by those he's accused. (Lin Wood addressed this in his official press report and simply said, "Howard ain't scerrt.") I still don't think she gets it. Why would that bother him if he has nothing to worry about? She's already convicted him in her mind, so her narrow view does not allow for the possibility that he's not guilty.

See, the thing is L. Wood does not play. He quit school because they had recess. If you will recall, he represented Richard Jewell, the tubby guy who was falsely convicted by the media of the Atlanta Bombings, of which Eric Rudolph was later proven to be the culprit. Fact of the matter is...L. Wood has never lost a case.

And he's really hot.

But the mainstream media is not the only one who could be targeted. Anyone whose made claims against HKS, be it bloggers, po dunk radio reporters, po dunk television reporters...anyone who has published any kind of report are at risk.

If you will recall, I published a post in defense of HKS back in March. I did use the word enabler and I'll admit...I felt a twinge of concern, but then I realized it was gas. (My husband's gas...'cause I don't 'do' that sort of thing).

So, have fun scrambling Nancy, Greta, Court TV and everyone else. Your day of reckoning is at hand.

Love The One You're With

Angelina Jolie is hopping mad at Jennifer Anniston for having the AUDACITY to send her newly adopted son, Pax, a bus load of books and games and a nice congratulation's card. Jolie reportedly threw the card into the trash seconds after glancing over it. Papa Pitt is said to be less than pleased by his girlfriend's reaction considering Billy Bob Thornton recently revealed that he and Jolie still talk occasionally.

In an unrelated story, Oprah is also miffed at Jolie for not promoting her prison...I mean school in Africa. Sources say that Jolie has never forgiven Oprah for taking Anniston's side after her divorce from Pitt.

Personally, I've been waiting for the day that both Jolie and Pitt would get theirs. I think it's pretty shitty what they both did. Now, don't get me wrong...I think Anniston played the victim waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy to long, but it's easy to be a back seat driver.

I think it's safe to say the bloom is falling off of the little Pitt-Jolie rose. Instead of the sweet, lilting scent of a summer bloom, the relationship is starting to smell like a pail of dirty diapers contributed to by four children under the age of five.

Hello: My Name Is Britney And I'm Addicted To My Brown Boots

Okay, this story is really not about Britney's love of bovine skin, and nor do I care that this picture is a week old. I drug my sorry sniffling-ass out of bed to post something before my four readers think I've reverted to old habits.

The purpose of this post is to teach and instruct. There are two main points to this:

1. Wear a bra when you wear white.
2. Wear a bib when you wear white.

Okay, three:

3. At least act sheepish when you spill something on your shirt.

Hey...we've all done it. God knows I'm a crumb magnet but for the love of all that is holy...dab at it a little at least.

Now, I'm off to watch Dancing With The Stars while I add to my growing mountain of tissues on my bedside table.

J. Lo Hits New Low

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Remember the days of Bennifer? Remember the big booty days? Well, their gone. All gone. I hope Jennifer Lopez made a scrap book of those days because they are ova.

Her new album "Como Ama Una Mujer" sold only 49, 452 (why is anyone surprised?) and finished at number 10. Not bad if you ask me but when you consider that she finished behind a repackaged Elton John's Greatest Hits, it puts things in perspective for you.

Remember the buzz about Scientology? Some reports suggest Lopez buddied up with Tom Cruise to fuel speculation even though she had no interest in joining. Looks like it didn't help.

Ever since she married Lestat...I mean Marc Anthony...her career has been in the casket...I mean toilet.

Burn Baby Burn

Stephen Cole is a Firefighter. He's faced death head on as a blazing inferno charred structures and lives.

He has smelled the death of bodies, of hopes and dreams as they crumbled to ash and floated in the air before settling on the ground.

He's felt the hair on his arms singe as he clung tightly to the long hose bursting with water in desperate and sometimes futile attempts to salvage people's homes.

His muscles have ached from holding scared children too tightly as he rushed head first through the eager, greedy flames hungry for more tragedy.

He's fallen into bed exhausted, yearning for sleep only to hear shattering, bone-numbing cries shred the curtain of slumber.

Stephen Cole knows what a fire is capable of and he respects it.

He does not, however, respect the fact that the Target bikini he's wearing is all wrong for him nor does he appreciate the fact that his wig is crooked. He did attempt to bring the entire ensemble together with pink flip flops and pink lip gloss, but he went a step to far with the gold locket. The most pressing question I have is did he use a razor or did he use Nair? That is the cleanest bikini line I've seen in quite some time.

Stephen is from Rhode Island and was arrested yesterday at 5:00 while driving under the influence, public intoxication and disorderly conduct. He stated to police that he was on his way to a gay bar to compete as a woman for a $10,000 grand prize.

I for one am insulted. How dare he think any woman in her right mind would wear her hair thus? And no woman, sirrah, would ever allow her falsies to play peek-a-boo with her top.

Hagatha

Just to prove that age finds everyone, check out Pamela Anderson's stomach. Now I know I am certainly not without flaws, but it does one good to see that even celebrities have 'issues'. Her legs still look great (damn her!) but me thinks the days of white bikini's are slowly drawing to an end. The dog knows it too. He found that cup on the beach and he was seen begging for coins to give to his master so she could buy a one piece.

Seer Sucker

Liz...it's time to cut the cord and put the child in some big boy clothes. I know in England it's the 'thing' to dress your kids up in little linen blazers and patent leather shoes, but at some point they need to be introduced to denim. A little trim would be nice too. He looks like a miniature Shaggy from Scooby Doo.

You see, little boys need to get dirty. They need to wear the knees out in their jeans, the need dirty fingernails. I'm concerned that if you don't take the situation firmly in hand now, your son will grow up TiVo'ing every episode of Martha Stewart. The time is now.

Last...I think someone needs to tee tee.

The Tudors

Showtime Sundays 10:00/9:00

Beginning April 1st, Showtime will air episode one of the much anticipated series, The Tudors. I've seen the first two episodes and I must say, this show promises to live up to it's hype. Rich in historic detail, The Tudors delivers sex, scandal, political intrigue and all the sordid details Henry VIII's court was known for.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers is a powerful king (don't forget he played another king..the king of rock and roll), oozing with sex appeal. He commands both the screen and our attention as he settles comfortably in Henry's slippers. He even makes those ridiculous costumes look appealing. Even knowing what we know of Henry's penchant for swapping wives like men swapped cod pieces, Meyers manages to make him sympathetic to say the least.

You are drawn in from the first scene and and hanging on with whitened knuckles, begging for more by the end of it.

Seldom do movies as rich in cinematography, costume, score and dialogue originate from the small screen.

Off with your head if you miss this sure to be award-winning masterpiece.