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Infomaniac

Have. You. Ever.

Progeny Two's birthday is coming up soon and he wanted some Super Mario Bro. toys. I get on eBay...and find this gem of heinousness. First, the whole design is HORRIFIC, second, adding the little black skirt and black choker is not helping matters. IT'S PLAID AND IT HAS MARIO ON THE BACK. Also, it has two little heart shaped button on the front. If someone were to approach me wearing this train wreck, I would snatch those buttons off and choke myself with them. Notice how the girl in the picture is trying hard to work it. Honey...I hope you are getting paid overtime cause its going to take a looooooooooooooooooooooooooong time for that shirt to find its way into my closet. That is so hideous, hurricane Katrina victims wouldn't wear it.

Jessica Simpson Plans To Corrupt A Child

Y'all! I'm gonna go get me a kid from somewhere just like Angelina Jolie did! I was just gonna get her lips but after everyone made a big deal about the needle marks I thought I better do something else. I want one of those kind that know how to take care of themselves and likes to shop. Won't that be fun? I already talked to my mama and she said she would keep it while I shacked up with all my co-stars so I have it all worked out! We can shop and talk and shop and shop. I know Nick wanted a baby real bad but I was afraid I wouldn't look good in my red cowboy boots with a big ole' belly! And my daddy says that all the positive press Nick got from pushing that kid on his bike might hurt me, so after me and my hairdresser went to Strawberry Hill...GAW! I mean CAPITOL Hill...I decided to get me a baby too and Nick can just kiss grits. Who does he think he is anyhow? I'm better off with out him. He was always saying stupid stuff like, "Don't waste so much money Jess" or "I really wish you would stop sleeping with everybody Jess" so I sent him a text message and told him IT WAS OVER. And then he had the GALL to ask me for ALIMONY! Does he not realize who I was BEFORE him? Does he not remember my American flag leather outfit? He must not...or he would be steppin'. Anyway, back to my kid, I want one with blonde hair and blue eyes and one that doesn't spit up or nothin. And after I get my baby...I'm gonna get a fountain in my backyard!

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Shirley The Great

Justin Timberlake and K. Sperm...Not NSYNC

According to Idontlikeyouthatway, Justin would love to reunite with Britney...in a professional manner and help her make a comeback. He thinks K. Skank is 'gross' and said he is willing to give her a push in order to help her redeem herself.

Justin, my friend, I'm afraid it would take more that a 'push'...an 18-wheeler or a MAC truck doing doughnuts on her maybe....but not just a 'push'.

0.08%

"Omigoshomigoshomigosh....I'm sooooooo drunk. Where is a bathroom? Omigosh...I'm gonna be sick. Why does everyone alwaysh call me a drink? I mean a drunk? I have to get drunk alot...don't you unerstan? It's to erashe the memory of the bad lipsuction they did on my stomach. Don't look! It's so bad...omigosh. Oh! Hello Mr. Car! Why is everyshing schpinning? Are you schpinning? I'm schpinning. Omigosh...I think I'm gonna be sick. I'm hungry! Let's go to the Waffle House...I need to get my grub on."

No-ga

I'm all about an individual taking care of themselves and exercising. I admire people who can step away from the Tiramasu. But how, my friend, is naked Yoga supposed to enrich ones fitness regimen? Can you imagine the poor soul that had the misfortune of putting their mat directly behind someone? They would be staring at the individuals big 'brown eye' the entire time. I'm sure this particular form of exercising results in injuries all the time. I wonder what they tell their doctor..."Yeah...I was in my naked yoga class and this chick in front of me had a GINORMOUS ass and I just couldn't stop staring." What if it was a guy in front of you? What if he had a dingleberry for crying out loud? Would you just keep on with the proud warrior as if nothing were amiss? I think not. I think your proud warrior would likely transform itself into the child's pose with a quickness. I know for my self, I would quickly assume the fetal position.

Memoirs Of A Skanksha

I wish I could say I was surprised by this atrocious ensemble, but I'm not. I think the only thing shocking about this picture is that Bjork actually looks better than Tara Reid.

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Useless Men

Not The Most Politically Correct Statement

After I found out I was pregant with Progeny One, I went by my mother's work to tell her how my first doctor's visit went. Now, it is important to note that I am a petite individual and I wore a size zero at the time.

"Well, everything looks great!" I told her excitedly. She looked at me as if she could spit razor blades.

"What in the world are you doing wearing blue jeans?" She demanded.

"Mother...I'm like five mintues pregant. I wont even show for another three or four months," I attempted to explain.

"What are you trying to have? A Mongoloid?"

Conversations With My Mother

This message was left for me on ALL THREE PHONE NUMBERS (business, home and cell) that I have...

"Maddie...gettin' in touch with you is like trying to call the President! How come you won't call me back?"

Oh, no reason. Just keep trying mother. Keep trying.

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Bulletproof Bracelets

Tom's Scientology Vs. Katie's Hoo Hoo

"Be Slient" signs were delivered to the Cruise mansion yesterday, so that they may surround Katie while she gives birth.

I don't think I would be a very good Scientologist. I CUT UP during my children's birth and I was so doped up the second time, I though there were purple elephants in the room telling me to push. I can't help but feel sorry for Katie. She has no idea how painful it is even with medication.

If you gave birth 'naturally' and expierenced no pain, please keep your comments to yourself.

Eye Of The Tiger

I thought you wanted peace Sharon? Was that before or after you decided to wear A. A really gold coat, B. Pants that are waaaay to short and C. Shoes with accessories on them...which one was it Sharon? So all this talk about peace in the middle east 'is just a breath away'...was that all for show? Was that just for publicity for your upcoming movie? Cause this outfit is not only more than enough to start a riot but it is an obvious cry for help. I honestly don't think a whole lot of people are going to take that peace sign your flashing there serious, sister. You know what? I never thought I would say this but PLEASE...take your clothes off. You look like a drag version of Rocky Balboa...maybe Rocky BALLboa.

I am grateful for small miracles though...at least it wasn't a close up.

Visions Of Kevin As A Single Man

Dear Britney,

Dare I dream? Would it be futile for me to hope that you have shed your white trash skin? Other than K. Sperm of course. You look RAVISHING in the red satin a'la Marilyn Monroe. Your hair looks healthy and shiny and your make-up is once again flawless. Your boobs look a little golf ball in a sockish but hey...it takes time. You can always get your boob job redone. No..no...don't deny it. We all know you had an enhancement. Embrace the saline Britney. Embrace the saline.

I must take issue though with the hem length of your dress. Sweet pea...your legs are too stumpy and Barney Rubbilish to wear that length. You should go shorter but I know we are taking baby steps so I wont harp on all of the things that you are doing wrong (Kevin Federline).
Other than losing those shoes in the nearest dumpster, I am really pleased with your progress. I don't want to be presumptions, but I feel a reconciliation could be in our future.

Like,

Maddie

Rubberneckin'

Elvis' Graceland is being named a National Landmark today. Priscilla Presley said that although new management will take over for expansion purposes only in order to 'make visitorship better', Lisa Marie will stilll retain ownership of the estate and it's artifacts.

Elvis Week...here I come.

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www.toothpastefordinner.com

Pompeys Worst

A Place No Man Has Been Before

Every year on Christmas Eve, we would all gather at my grandparents house. The entire extended family numbered roughly about fifty so the house was usually packed and everyone talked at once. When I was a bitter seventeen year old (who isn't at seventeen right?) I had just got my plate and was trying to find a place to sit down and eat, when my grandmother called to me from across the room. Being the matriarch (thanks T) of the family, everyone fell silent when my grandmother spoke.

"Maddie...are you pure?" She asked around a mouthful of food as she pointed at me with her fork. I noticed a lone macaroni noodle hanging from it.

The entire house fell silent and everyone studied their plates. The clink of glassware was deafening.

"Pure? What do you mean 'pure'?" I asked in an effort to buy time. Seriously. THIS WAS NOT HAPPENING TO ME.

"I mean have you ever been with a man?" Her head was tilted back as she peered at me through the bifocal part on her eyeglass lens.

I was immediatly struck by a perverse thought and weighed my options. I could simply say "yes" and move on, continuing to be mortified for the rest of my natural life, or I could say...

"Oh, yes mam. Hundereds of 'em," I'm sure somewhere in the house, a mouse dropped their cheese and said "No she didn't!" to his little mouse friend. What I had said...was that serious.

"Gooooood Gracious!" She exclaimed. Every eye in the house was now trained on me. I asked someone to perform the Heimlich on my mother. I tried to appear as wide eyed and innocent as possible but it was becoming more difficult by the second to remain composed.

"I'm just kidding...I'm as pure as the driven snow," I assured her. Everyone seemed to breath a sigh of relief, resumed eating and acted as if I had not just been called to the carpet in front of everyone.

"So whose handing out the presents this year?" My grandfather asked. "Are we singing carols this year or what?"

The next year I was asked if I was on drugs.

The year after that? Anorexia.

From My Lips To God's Ear

Daily Celeb.com

Sally, Sally, Sally. Your bosom is bountiful and your legs...are legs with heinous red shoes attached to them. I noticed that you pose thus in just about every picture you make. Why? Is it to draw our attention away from your hurricane blown hair? Or perhaps to force us to focus on anything other than your 'striking' red sleeves. I do appreciate your efforts at coordination however. Have you been working out? Is that why you display your calf muscle so proudly? Or did you get your shoes on sale and want to make sure we are aware of your thrifty nature?

If you paid more than $50 for that entire ensemble (including hair and makeup) then you paid about $49.99 too much.

I found this on your website:

Sally Kirkland is well known for her abilities as an award winning actress of film, television and stage. She is also [as] insightful radio host."

Obviously, you are more insightful in some areas than you are in others.

You Might Be A Redneck If...

Marlboro sends you a credit card size bottle opener for your birthday.

Hmmm....welll...at least they remembered.

You Chose The Bear Rug Because...?
Britney Spears as a pro-life model

I really don't know what to say about this...I feel I should allow the pictures to speak for themselves.

Oh what the heck...I'll give it a shot.

ARE YOU JOKING ME???? First of all, I seriously doubt Britney's arms were that cut but I will allow that her ass was most likely that big. I can just hear the 'beep...beep...beep" when she backed up. I've had two kids...I know.

AND YOU KNOW SHE WAS CRYING!! Who are they kidding? No one looks that serene during child birth unless they have a morphine drip, four Demoral shots and an epidural...and I don't see anything anywhere EXCEPT THE BIG BEAR HEAD. What you can't see from the picture, is the 'rear' view shows the baby's head crowing.

"Salt n Peppa's here and we're in effect..want you to push it good..."


If I was that bear rug I would be PISSED. To read the full story for yourself, click here.

My Name Is Earl

Last night, my husband took me to dinner for my birthday. A lovely suprise awaited me as my entire family sat there, squashing my hopes of an Appletini. We were loud of course...we always are...but this young couple sat across from us and stared the entire time. THE ENTIRE TIME. Our kids were fighting over the balloons, my oldest had his hands down his pants playing pocket pool and my nephew, who has hearing loss, screamed the entire time. What was the big deal? If you don't like to eat around kids, then go to a restaurant that caters to young, miserable couples who are most likely democrat (sorry T..lol...I could not resist).

I made sure they knew I was aware of their disdain for us by telling my sister-in-law that people who stared at other people were ENORMOUSLY rude in a really loud voice. They continued to stare...I'm sure thinking that we all must not get out much. I can only imagine how far we sunk further in their esteem when my husband asked my brother to try one of his oysters and THREW it across the table.

I've never been more proud of him than I was at that moment.

Skankica Simpson Could Have Been An Aunt

Us Weekly reports that Drew Lachey and his wife Lea, gave birth to a beautiful little girl whom they've named Isabella (thank God..a normal name). Drew Lachey danced his way to fame on Dancing With The Stars while Skankica got her lips Meg Ryan'd.

Jackie O Did It...

Brit is officially WHITE TRASH. The news is reporting that she was drinking while pregnant...details soon.

UPDATE: Can't get confirmation that she is indeed nurturing K. Sperm's child but lets all cross our fingers and hope it's not true.

Straight Up Unemployed

Us Weekly is reporting that American Idol producers are thisclose to firing Paula Abdul due to her erratic behavior on the show. Sources close to the situation say she was being difficult and arriving late to meetings. It is also suggested that should Paula be fired (man I will miss that funky clap of hers) Jessica Simpson or Britney Spears could replace her.

Can you imagine how awkward that would be considering Simon famously said Jessica possessed no talent what so ever? He's seldom wrong.

March 23rd, 1975
6:56 am

Thirty one years ago, a young woman gave birth to a tiny, ugly, pink, mewling bundle of joy. She had no idea as she cuddled the babe to her bosom, that the flesh of her flesh would one day make her the subject of an internet blog by exposing her more 'charming' moments.

So to that woman, my wonderful mother, thank you for all you've done and thanks for your wonderful sense of humor.

You Dialed The Wrong Number

"Hello? Yeah...this is Parker Posey...let me speak to my stylist. What do you mean I don't have a stylist?! Of course I have a stylist! Do you think I am capable of creating this wonderful ensemble all by myself? Of course not! Who else but a stylist would have thought to pair a boring brown pashmina with a steel gray silk dress that she dug out of a bin at the the Big Brother's Big Sisters clothing dontation drop off center? And who but a stylist, would have suggested I carry this phone purse with me??? And who, madam, would suggest that I coyly call her on my purse phone while the photographers are snapping my photo ? My stylist! Now let me talk to her."

Let The Healing Begin

I just bought these cutie patooties, NO THANKS TO A CERTAIN DOG WHO CHEWED UP MY LAST PAIR....

These should help me get over the loss of the Gucci's...snif...

I'll Get You My Pretty...

And your little dog too! I want those shoes...GIVE ME THOSE RUBY SLIPPERS!

Sharon Stone is so fugged up here it is ridiculous...or shall we say...RIDICLUELESS! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! Seriously, she looks like she has lazers coming out of her eyes and since when did yellow lipstick become popular? It's the exact same shade as baby poo.

Sharon Stone...coming nude to a theatre near you.

There's no place like home...there's no place home...there's no place like home....

Tears Of Joy

Nick Lachey is planning a tell all song/video of his break up with Jessica Simpson complete with Jessica lookalike. Us Magazine is reporting that MTV VJ Vanessa Minnillo has been slated to impersonate the ex Mrs. Lachey. Also, Billboard Magazine is giving Lachey's latest foray into the pop world, "What's Left Of Me", rave reviews.

Is it so wrong that I want Jessica Simpson to be miserable while Nick finds him a nice girl? By the way Nick, Kristin ain't it...but keep dating those 19 year olds. That has to hurt.

When Harry Met Virginia Gail

My mother is a very loud, boisterous woman. When she hates something, she can't hide and when she loves something she lets evvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrbody know.

I had a Sales Managers meeting in Atlanta at a resort and I took mother with me. Biggest disaster of a trip EVER. First she got me lost (she was reading the map), then she locked me out of our room and could not figure out for the life of her who to let me in. I stood on the outside of the door raising hell until this man walked up and asked me if I needed any help. I told him no and thanked him. Turned out...it was the president of Clear Channel, John Hogan, who heard me acting like a redneck trying to get in my room. Then she ordered room service and I mean she ordered ROOM SERVICE. Lobster, steak...homegirl was going to get her eat on. But the icing on the cake was when we got massages. She had never had one and I was really excited about her getting one due to her arthritic back.

She was a little uncomfortable at first because I encourage to remove all her clothes and not be a prude. They called us back at the same time and she went in one room and I went in another. I was relaxing enjoying Enya's greatest hits when a voice penetrated my candle lit oil induced haze.

"YESSSSSSS! OHHHHHHh...THAT FEEL WUUUUNNNNDERFUL."

Is that my mother?

"OH MY GOODNESS...OHHHH YES....AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I tense up and the masseuse tells me I need to learn to relax. YOU THINK? IS THAT YOUR MOTHER SOUNDING LIKE SHE IS IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ORGASM? DID PEOPLE SEE YOU WALK IN WITH HER? I DIDN'T THINK SO. JUST DO YOUR JOB AND LET ME WORRY ABOUT THE TENSION OKAY?????? DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING I CAN RUPTURE MY EARDRUMS WITH????

"OHHHHH I AM IN HEAVEN. YESSSSSSSSS...OH RIGHT THERE!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The masseuse starts to giggle. My descent into hell is complete.

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

I know you really don't want to hear what I have to say right now but I'm sorry. I had to let you go...it just wasn't working. But it's not you. It's me. I couldn't handle your four inch heel and I buckled. Literally...in the mall parking lot. I was embarrassed and hurt and I just acted out of anger. I know you didn't want to go on eBay but what else could I do? My knees were skint up. When we were together, I walked at an angle. I looked like a little girl playing dress up in her mother's shoes and I was too impatient to take the time to get to know you and your little nuances. I do miss you though and I think about you often. I miss the smell of your leather upper and the sound of your heel as it strikes the pavement. I miss the limp you gave me. I will never forget the sound of Angels as I took you from your box the very first time. I think back on all of those things and I ask myself...did I make the right decision by parting with you? I am reminded of a saying that speaks to me now more so than ever...

"If you love something...set it free. If it comes back to you...it's yours. If it doesn't? It never was."

Or something like that.

Moootttther!

Omg...mother...I cannot believe I am walking around with you dressed like you are competing in the National Championship of Potato Sack Racers. Why can't you at least appear put together...you know...like me. And do something with your hair. Like washing it for example. It looks like it's got lice riding around in dune buggies. I'm so embarrassed.

#1 Single
Getty Images via Daily Celeb

Again...irony is all around us. Lisa do you have stop and wonder why you are still single? Do you think a reality show is going go help you if your clothing says "STOP! Don't come any closer!" Cute hair, cute face then we get to your dress. It appears to be some sort of pseudo sarong/table cloth. Not sure which look you were trying to go for but there you have it. But REALLY, did you have to pair it with a turtle neck and boots? This would have looked much cuter with strappy shoes and no turtle neck but even then, we would have been pushing our luck. You almost look like a female version of Steven Segal. I'm sorry. I know that hurts but I had to say it.

Absolut Skank

Jank jank yo panties stank...did anyone else ever deliver that particular phrase, the ultimate put down, on the playground? I hated when someone broke that out before I could. Anyway, this post is not about childish recess insults, it's about the fact that Kelly Osborn has a tremendous red headband on and a cavernous belly button visible through her shirt. It's also about the fact that Tara Reid looks like she's whispering "psst...do you know where the drinks are?".

Goodness gracious...I don't even know where to start. I'll just go from left to right to make it easy.

Kelly- Homegirl. You look like that girl on that cartoon The Adventures of Billy and Mandy. And why do you have bruises A'la Paris Hilton on your arm? Sigh...the shirt. While I can appreciate your effort, I must say that the fact that your belly button has its own government should discourage you from wearing garments that proudly boast the fact. In the words of another, "Someone could eat cereal out of that sucker."

Tara-What is it exactly that you do again? No no...I know you drink, but what do you do? I understand that you party a lot but I want to know WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING? 'Cause whatever it is, it must not require you display even a small modicum of pride in your appearance. Get your roots done please. If you have the time to have your stomach lipo'd to lumpy perfection, then you have a few hours to spare to get your hair did. Could you possibly slump just a little more. Great. That looks perfect.

Can You See This Picture? I didn't Think So

One hour prior to my wedding, I was finished getting ready. My aunt (who also went with us) wanted to take some pictures. She had this big NASA 35mm camera that took like 237 pictures a second. After a while my mother tried to get in on the action.

"Okay! My turn! Hold still..." She breaks out this big no name brand disposable camera that took one picture a day. Knowing her experience with cameras was limited due to the fact she had never owned one, I bit my tongue as she tried to find the button.

"Where in the world?" She asked, turning it over in her hand.

"Typically the button is on top mother," I informed her with a spectacular display of patience. I had all the time in the world. I wasn't getting married for another...twenty minutes.

Click...

"I didn't see the flash go off and I think you are going to need one in this room," I told her. I was beginning to get antsy and I was ready to desist with the picture taking. I mentally went over my check list as she searched for the flash. "Here. Let me have it," I said impatiently. "You don't have a flash mother. Could you have bought a cheaper camera? It's only my wedding."

"Well it said Kojack! I thought Kojack was the best in the business." She said defensively.

"Kodak mother. Kodak."

Punks
Image via InfoPanic

If your like me, you never read clothing labels anyway but this one is quite interesting. This is made by an American company who supplies this item of clothing to the French.

Okay...everyone all together now...middle fingers in the air.

Repeat Offender

Dominique Swain is at it again. So many things...white shoes...print...hair...hurts.
Shall we begin?

1.Hair- Make up your mind which color and style you want to go with. You look like you got caught up in a cyclone or had a narrow escape from the electric chair. The color is a cross between urine and oranges.
2. Dress- Laura Ingles? Is that you? Your prints are going nuts. And while I am sure you were attempting to appear demure, your slutty pose ruins the effect. I still think you have nice pits though. Your starting to look like a young version of Anna Nicole Smith.
3. Shoes- No. White. Pumps. How many times must I repeat this? I don't care if they're trying to make a fashion comeback...no matter how much you pay for white pumps they always look cheap. But...since 'cheap' is obviously what you are going for, they work.
4. Make Up- Its 'glow' not 'grease' that you should go for. You've got enough oil on your face to replenish the oil refineries in New Orleans. Say it with me...BLOT.

Irony is around us everywhere if you just take the time to stop and look. Notice that she is attending an event co-sponsored by InStyle.

One Topping Too Many

Progeny One and Progeny Two had a friend come spend the night. I ordered them pizza and made a little picnic for them. A few minutes later, Progeny one comes running in crying because Progeny Two (pictured above with the blonde fro...not his real hair) had 'messed up' C.B's pizza.

"How did he mess it up?"

"He peed on his pepperoni!" POne screamed.

"How did he pee on it?" I asked...clearly I had misunderstood. How did PTwo's pee get on the picnic table?

POne got a gleam in his eye as he prepared to deliver the final blow. He knew is brother would most likely suffer greatly for this one.
"He got up from the table, pulled down his pants and peed on C.B's pizza."

"Go get him and tell him to come here right now! Tell him he better not make me come out there and get him." Five minutes passed...no PTwo. I go out to the backyard and he is swinging on his swing set acting like Flash Gordon.

"Did you hear your brother tell you I wanted to see you?"

"I sorry." He says...

"Did you pee on C.B.'s pizza?"

"I sorry!" He said again...aggrivated that I was still talking about it. Clearly he was ready to move on to other topics.

"You tell C.B you are sorry and you get in this house right now! You are on restriction!"

"Man! I said I was sorry!" He started walking toward the house. I was right behind him.

"Why do you do stuff like that son? I just don't understand," I could not fathom what possessed him.

"Well, I was trying to pee on the trampowine (trampoline) and it accidently got on his pizza."

Oh, well that's okay then.

Care To Take A Gander?

According to The Mirror, a Hollywood A-List star gave himself his own happy ending while getting a massage. He forced the hotel worker to watch as he...as he...honked on BoBo. She complained and was fired from her job. She is now suing.

Can't wait to find out who this is.

Mission Impossible

Don't worry...he's not dead. Not only is my father a scary individual when he sleeps, but he also can fall asleep at a moments notice. Its almost like narcolepsy but different. You can be having a conversation with him and turn your back for a second...snore....he's out.

As a child I would wait for him to sleep so I could dig out mother's make up to put on him. My father would wake up looking like Dame Edna. Eye shadow, lip gloss, blush...fingernail polish. You name it.

I would wait for him to start snoring then I would run from the room, get my stuff and return. I worked quickly and quietly. I don't know why I felt I had to do this but I did. When he would finally wake up, it would take him most of the day before he found it. The first few times, my brothers would point it out and start laughing, but after a while even they got into the spirit of things and stopped telling him.

My proudest moment was when my father watched the biggest college football game (Roll Tide!) of the year with pink lipstick. We were talking during the game and he yelled at us to be quiet but of course none of us took him seriously. He was wearing pink lipstick after all.

Scar Tissue

Not only was my father partial to my mothers hot pink panties, but he had a love affair with his briefs. Not boxer briefs... just briefs. From the time of cognitive thinking, the only time I can recall my father in something more than his underwear, was on Sunday's. I don't know if there was this weird magnetic force that prevented him from wearing clothing at home or what, but from the second he got home from work, he would strip down into nothing but his underwear.

Living out in the country (at the time) no one ever really came to visit and he didn't care if our friends saw him. And all of our friends did see him. Mother bought him 'lounge' pants GALORE but he refused to wear any article of clothing other than his very tight and constrictive white Fruit Of The Looms.

I don't think anyone should know their father that well.

So when our friends would come over, dad would remain engrossed on whatever big-satellite-dish program he happened to be watching at the time, never bothering to cover himself up until Mother would screech:

"Jackie! Cover your self up!" She always tried to sound shocked and offended that our friends were seeing him in his underwear as if she herself had not been staring at them for the last thirty years.

He would drag a throw pillow over from the other side of the couch and place it in his lap. If he ever needed to get up and get coffee or visit the bathroom, he would just get another throw pillow and put it behind him. So basically, whenever he was mobile he was clutching a small pillow in front of him and a small pillow behind him. And as the decoration around the house changed, so did his attempts at modesty.

And he made no attempts to hide the fact that he was doing it to protect your feelings..not his. He clearly did not care if you saw him in is undergarments. He would drag his feet from room to room with a devil may care bored look on his face as he held his pillows. He did not hide the fact that our friends were imposing on his ability to be one with nature.

But more strangely, none of our friends found it the least bit odd. I think they expected no less.

S.O.S

Digging through some pictures, imagine my astonishment when I came across this gem. Yes, ladies and gentlemen..this is the day that my mother held the three musicians hostage in Jamaica. Check out the guy on the left.

Read this for the full story.

Conversations With Mother

Mom: Your daddy irritates me so much sometimes."

Moi: "Why? What did he do?"

Mom: "It's just his whole attitude."

Moi: "Like what? Give me an example so I'll know what your talking about."

Mom: "He just walks around like he thinks he's God's gift. He tries to act so muncho some times."

Moi: "Muncho? I don't know if I know what you mean."

Mom: BIG SIGH "Oh come on Maddie. You know...like that song...'Muncho muncho man'"

www.Gone.com

There is a phrase that is very much apart of my everyday vernacular that I think is highly appropriate here. Gone. When I refer to something as being 'gone', I usually mean that 'it' (be it style, hair, etc.) has left the premises and will most probably never be back.

For example: "Girl...did you see that outfit she had on? Gone." To translate, this means that the outfit is so far removed from attractiveness there is no hope. Gone can be used in reference to so many things...shoes, purses, sayings, and even an individual as a whole.

Britney Spears is gone. Stone washed jeans are gone. White pumps are gone. Catch my drift?

Great. Now we can move on to the latest craze to hit the runways in Milan. Bookwear. Nothing screams high fashion like Ballentine. Take confidence in the fact that you will command the room when you waltz in with A Midsummer's Night Dream perched jauntily on your head. Looking for a sleeker, more sophisticated look? Part the book in the middle and hold the pages in place with an earth tone bookmark. Go from daytime to evening wear by simply turning the pages against your head and wearing the book cover up or you can do as this fetching lass has done and add a bow. It really makes the book pop.

The only rule about fashion you need to remember is that there are no rules. So go out there girls and show the world all of your paperback glory.

Gone.

Thanks Jen

You're a good friend.

>,

Maddie

I'm Too Sexy For Your Friends

There comes a time in every young persons life that they must accept the fact that yes, their parents have sex. Unfortunately, I was faced with my own realization surrounded by ten of my close friends.

When the Camcorders first came out, my parents bought one. It was the big kind that you had to sit on your shoulder and used a regular sized VHS tape...but anyway....some friends and I decided we would film ourselves jumping ramps on our four wheelers. So I picked a tape from the collection, popped it in the camera, and commenced to filming all afternoon.

A few hours later, we were dying to look at the tape and see who jumped the highest, best, coolest, whatever. So we all gathered as close around the television as we could get. I put the tape in and mashed play. There were staticy lines for a second or two and then another image. Of a naked woman. Stepping out of the shower. My guest shower to be exact.

My friend Mark, who has fingers like E.T, said, "Dude! That's your Momma!"

"No, it's not!" I said quickly. Too quickly.

"Yes it is! Here, I'll show you!"

Lord God.

For the next thirty minutes we watched my mother step out of the shower over and over and over and over again. And then some more. And one more time for good measure.

When my mother got home later that night, she asked how my day went.

"Oh pretty good I guess. All of my friends saw you naked."

"What?!?!" She asked, clearly mortified. I broke it down for her.

For the rest of the evening, she made me reenact what happened on the video. I tried to get her to watch it for herself but she said she couldn't bear to do it. Just to rib her a little, I told her my friends thought she was hot.

"Oh! Get out of here! This is nothing to joke about! Really?"